You never know true love until you have a child

You never know true love until you have a child. Such innocent words, often spoken by new parents to express abundant joy over their little. How could this sentiment possibly cause pain?

Why these words are painful…

For the childless not by choice, however, the words “You never know true love until you have a child” cause just that—deep, aching pain. We wanted a little, more than anything. Many of us tried for years to get pregnant or adopt. Personally, my husband and I tried for ten years. During that time, I read parenting books, plus we purchased toys, clothes, and what would be used as the changing table in our nursery. We picked out paint colors and names for our children. We wanted them so much. We loved them so much that we went through seven rounds of infertility treatments in the hopes of meeting them…

But in the end, having biological or adopted littles of our own was not to be. Because of this, we have struggled to find the bright sides of our childless life, to look at things with a different perspective… We are accepting the what is, rather than continuously grieving the never was.

We redefine…

And we’ve gotten pretty good at embracing our full and joyful life, letting the world know that, although we are childless, we are not less. We love nieces and nephews and fur babies and exchange students. We love our spouses and friends and our childless tribe. We love our aging grandparents and our homes and our world. We redefine. We create a new, beautiful and courageous existence… And we hold our heads up and smile, finally able to look life in the eyes…

We wobble…

And then, an unexpected social media post pops up and tells us, “You never know true love until you have a child.” And we wobble… Is that true? Are we really missing out on authentic, unconditional, unwavering love because we don’t have a little? On top of everything else we are going to miss out on, are we missing out on true love, too?

And if we aren’t careful, this seemingly innocent comment causes us to slip back into grief, focusing on the never was, never will be…

We know the truth…

But I say, this comment is a lie. At least in the sense of “You never know true love until you have a child” really meaning “You never know true love until you are a parent.”

Because becoming a parent, having a baby, adopting a child does not give you a greater capacity to love. Perhaps parents feel this way because they have the privilege of loving their own child with an intensity that they did not experience before. This, however, does not mean that someone who doesn’t have a child cannot love with this same intensity.

Personal Experiences…

With our exchange daughter…

During a conversation with our exchange daughter (after she returned home to Brazil), she made this statement, “You loved me from the start.” Tears well up in my eyes as my heart overflows with emotion at the memory of this moment. It was incredible to know that this two-legged kid—not our biological kid nor our adopted kid, but a foreign exchange kid who lived with us for six short months—could feel our true love for her. And in turn, she loves us. We are family and have an amazing relationship.

So, did I not “know true love” before I met our exchange daughter? No, this is not the case at all. The truth is that I had all this love in my heart, love that had grown over the years as my hubby and I tried to have our own child, love that I wanted and needed to share… And when Bruna arrived, this love finally had a place to go…

That’s the problem… Not that we don’t know true love, but that we have nowhere for our true love to go. (I wrote a blog entitled, “The Problem with Being Childless: Where does the love go?” You can read it here.)

Now, some may say that we childless can give true love, but we will never receive true love since we do not have children. To them, I say this…

With our middle niece…

During Special Days, our middle niece was sitting on my lap. As we talked, she looked up at me and said, “Tia, I love you as much as my mom.” Again, tears well in my eyes as my heart bursts with emotion. I cling to this memory, as it is one of the most special moments of my life. A kid, one of my kids, expressing her true love for me. Oh, it was amazing…

Now, you may be thinking that I have proved the truth of this statement. See, you didn’t know true love until you had special moments with a child. But no. True love is not just expressed between an adult and a child…

With our fur babies…

Dane and I have had three fur babies during our marriage. Valentine and Prancer have crossed the Rainbow Bridge, and Maddie is our feisty, spunky, ridiculously amazing five-year-old. I love all three of them with my entire heart. Truly, I love them as much as any two-legged person in my life. And before you say it isn’t possible to love a dog as much as you love a human being, let me stop you. Yes, it is. Because I do.

That’s the thing. Someone else cannot possibly tell me whether I have experienced true love. They cannot tell me how much I love my nieces and nephews, fur babies, and exchange daughter. They simply have no idea… Because they do not feel what I feel.

With my student…

I was having a very difficult time connecting with one of my students. This child was pushing back about everything I said or did. So, I scheduled a meeting with the kid and one of the counselors. My student, whose mother was absolutely awful to this child, shared part of a story and questioned, “How could a mom do that to her own flesh and blood?”

To this I responded, “I don’t know. I do not understand that. What I do know is that I have a great capacity to love children who are not my own. Perhaps that is because my husband and I cannot have biological children. But I love my nieces and nephews with my entire heart. I love Bruna, and we only met a few years ago. And I care deeply about my students.”

This kid nodded slightly, and after talking for a few more minutes, we ended our discussion. After that meeting, our relationship was so much better. No longer was it a daily struggle to get the child to do work. No more arguing about everything I said.

Why? Because this kid understood. This kid knew that my love was genuine, authentic… And in return, this kid gave me respect and, in a way, love.

The Truth about True Love…

A traditional parent-child relationship is not required to know true love. In fact, one has a very narrow definition of love if they believe the comment “You never know true love until you have a child.” Honestly, it saddens me that these people do not experience the joy in sharing true love with many…

I could say, “You don’t understand true love unless you are childless.” But I won’t exclude others like so many exclude us.

So, I will simply say that love is too complex to limit to one relationship, one moment, one type… There are many, many ways to know, express, and receive true love if only you open your eyes and your heart…