But what if I don’t want Plan B?

by Brandi Lytle
Photo of a woman wearing a red dress, standing in the snow and looking towards a forest on But what if I don't want Plan B? on Not So Mommy..., a Childless Blog

A huge topic in the childless not by choice community is “Plan B,” for obvious reasons.  Those in our tribe were denied our original plan because of various circumstances.  Some, like me, were infertile, others did not find a partner, and the list goes on…  Because of that, we must figure out Plan B.  But what if I don’t want Plan B?

CNBC & Plan B…

A fellow childless not by choice contacted me recently, telling me how much my blog helped and asking for advice about connecting with other CNBC.  She had one request, however.  She did not want Plan B “pushed” on her.

This statement caused me pause.  I talk a lot about Plan B here at Not So Mommy…  I share about how I am redefining momhood for myself, encourage others to find a new perspective, and talk about how a different path isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

My hope is that all of this is helpful.  And I believe it is because I receive emails, messages, and comments telling me so.  But I also know that the person reading it has to be ready to receive the message.  And we aren’t always inclined to do that…

Don’t push Plan B on me…

While in England, my husband and I were having afternoon tea at a lovely teahouse in Stratford-Upon-Avon.  (I must say, afternoon tea is a fabulous tradition!)  While waiting for our tea, sandwiches, and scones, a crowd started to gather as a band marched down the street.  They stopped caddy-corner to the teahouse and started to play “My country ‘tis of thee.”  At least, that’s what I thought they were playing.  I smiled and sang the words to the song in my head, thinking they must be playing an American song in honor of the Royal Wedding.  What a beautiful tribute!

That evening, I posted about this experience on Facebook.  One of my friends chimed in, saying that the song I heard may have been “God Save the Queen” and gave me a link to a bit of information.  I responded saying that perhaps it was, but I thought they might be playing “My country ‘tis of thee” in honor of the Royal Wedding.  I simply wasn’t willing to let go of my perspective.  It was such a beautiful moment, and I wanted it to remain that way in my memory.

Another friend piped up and said, “The original is ‘God Save the Queen.’”  She was so matter-of-fact, sure that her perspective was right.  I didn’t respond back because I knew she thought she was right.  Actually, I knew she was right.  But honestly, I didn’t care that the song was “God Save the Queen.”  In my head, it was “My country ‘tis of thee,” and I liked it that way.  I didn’t want a different perspective.  And I didn’t want her to try to convince me that I needed one.

I’ll change my perspective when I’m ready…

Several days later, we were touring Windsor Castle and the tune began to play again.  This time, although the words to “My country ‘tis of thee” started through my head, I stopped and thought…  Nope.  This is “God Save the Queen.”  I was in a different place with a different perspective.  And I was glad that my friends had shared their viewpoint and their knowledge because it allowed me to enjoy the moment at the castle much more.  (I would have been super confused about why “My country ‘tis of thee” was being played at the Queen’s home!)

A vs. B, Old vs. New – It’s okay…

Why do I tell you all of this, fabulous one?  Well, because I want you to know…

  • It’s okay if you aren’t ready for a new perspective.
  • It’s okay if you want to keep your original plan and aren’t quite prepared to let go.
  • It’s okay to express a differing opinion to someone.
  • It’s okay not to respond to someone.
  • It’s okay to change your mind.
  • It’s okay to allow new knowledge to give you a new perspective.
  • It’s okay to let go and move on with Plan B…

It takes time…

But all of this takes time…

I didn’t magically flip a switch and decide that being a dog mom and host mom had the same tune as being a mom to a biological or adopted kiddo…  Albeit with different words.  It took years to fully embrace these roles, to fully embrace Plan B.  And honestly, I was the only person who could decide that Plan B was amazing…  No matter what other people said, I had to choose to enjoy this journey.  I had to determine that a different perspective wasn’t a bad thing.

Keep sharing, Keep listening…

So, while I don’t want to “push” Plan B on you, I do want to share my perspective.  Because like my friends who taught me about “God Save the Queen,” I hope my viewpoint will help you to find clarity and joy on this childless path.

Or perhaps it’s a childless castle.  It all depends on your perspective…


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Featured Photo Credit:  Hernan Sanchez on StockSnap.io

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Jane P (UK) June 13, 2018 - 12:05 pm

Hi Brandi – just want to say I love this post and thank you – particularly love the “childless castle”. As always you have lifted my spirits today. 🙂

Brandi Lytle June 14, 2018 - 11:24 am

Awww! Thank you, Jane. You made me smile! 🙂


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