The All-Important Disclaimer… In exchange for a blog post review, I received a free copy of the book, “Without Children: The Long History of Not Being a Mother.” If you purchase a copy, I will not earn any monies, as I do not have an affiliate link with Seal Press.
Wobble Warning: The book, “Without Children: The Long History of Not Being a Mother,” is NOT trigger-free. And I speak candidly about that.
Several months ago, I received an email asking if I’d like to review the new book, “Without Children: The Long History of Not Being a Mother” by Peggy O’Donnell Heffington. Intrigued by the title and always searching for new resources for our childless community, I agreed. Looking at my blogging schedule, I realized my review would be published in May. Perfect timing, I thought, as May is often a very difficult month for we childless not by choice. So, what are my thoughts on “Without Children” by O’Donnell Heffington? Well, read on…
“Without Children,” A Childless NOT By Choice Woman’s Perspective…
Off to a good start…
As I began reading “Without Children: The Long History of Not Being a Mother,” I found the author’s note, introduction,
and first three chapters riveting. O’Donnell Heffington’s introductory insights about needing an “elaborated vocabulary” to talk about women who do not have children, her use of humor, and initial mentions of IVF had me hooked. As I began reading the first chapters, politics was heavily woven throughout—including discussions about abortion. As someone who does not enjoy discussing politics, I still found the book engaging—thought-provoking.
O’Donnell Heffington offers some profound insights about community, family, and mothering, incorporating a lot of research and historical references. (In fact, there are 30 pages of references at the end of the book!) As she discusses family, she notes the vital role that childless can play within the community. Though not a book to help childless not by choice process their grief, after reading the first 100 pages or so, I was ready to whole-heartedly recommend “Without Children” to all women—those who have birthed kids and those who have not. But before you rush out to purchase your copy, keep reading…
And then…
In chapter 4, I came across a possible trigger. In fact, chapter 4 was less than riveting, in my opinion—discussing not having children because of the effect they may have on the environment. Personally, this has never been a reason to consider not having kids. I reduce my carbon footprint in other ways. But this chapter did give me some things to think about…
My least favorite chapter…
Thus far, most of the book had focused on the childfree by choice. So, I was quite interested to read chapter 5, as its focus was the childless not by choice.
Speaking candidly, this was by far my least favorite chapter. Though I realize “Without Children” is not a self-help book, the emphasis on politics and religion within this chapter… Well, I was triggered to the point of anger several times while reading it.
O’Donnell Heffington’s inclusion of miracle stories from the Bible within a chapter about those who can’t have children… In my humble opinion, this perpetuates stereotypes and I truly do not understand why she included them! As someone who taught Spanish for 17 years, holds a Bachelor of Arts in Spanish Education, a Master of Arts in Teaching English as a Second Language, and is certified to teach Advanced Placement college-level Spanish courses, I understand the literary reason—to maintain the political and religious arc between chapters. But it is so triggering to the childless not by choice and so misleading to those who believe the falsity that “more faith” heals infertility that 150 pages in, I am no longer willing to whole-heartedly recommend this book.
O’Donnell Heffington did redeem herself, finishing chapter 5 with a strong ending. Over-all, however, this chapter—Because We Can’t—is an epic fail, in this childless not by choice woman’s opinion.
But I kept reading…
It took me several days to continue reading “Without Children,” as I was so disappointed with chapter 5. I’m glad I finished the book, though. Because the last 50 pages—though not trigger-free—returned to the empowering, validating speech with different and unique perspectives.
Though I do find it disheartening that the empowerment was felt when discussing childfree by choice… I really wish some of that power would have been interwoven into the chapter about those of us who can’t.
The ending…
The last chapter contains numerous triggers, but it also shares some very interesting and unexpected insights. The last page—the final thoughts—made the emotional ups and downs while reading this book worth it. At least to me.
Though I don’t normally read acknowledgements, I did this time. Written in the first person, these words made Peggy O’Donnell Heffington human. In fact, if you choose to read this (possibly triggering) book, I suggest you start with the acknowledgements and/or read them if/when you wobble. Look at her picture. Remember that she has two pugs, Ellie and Jake. Peggy is a person. A woman who obviously put a lot of time, effort, and emotion into this book—her book.
Though I do not agree with everything she wrote… Though I cannot whole-heartedly recommend it to all women… I did find much of this book validating, as a woman who hasn’t birthed children. I found much of it empowering, showing the value and importance of all.
So, do I recommend Peggy’s Book?
If you are no longer in deep grief, no longer battling wobbles on a regular basis, and want to read a thought-provoking (and at times triggering) book about not being a mother, grab a copy of Peggy O’Donnell Heffington’s “Without Children: The Long History of Not Being a Mother.”
Though I’d avoid gifting a copy to that person who gives not-so-helpful advice like “Pray more.”
Sending you so many hugs, fellow warriors. This May and always…
Do you think you’ll read “Without Children,” fabulous one? Tell us about it in the comments…
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2 comments
Great overview and I couldn’t agree more about when they bring religion into the mix. I’ve since hit menopause since our years of trying to become parents resulted in dizzying levels of heartbreak (miscarriage, 6 failed IVF, 3 failed adoption attempts) and yet I literally just had a neighbor who I shared my story with (and told her we’d made our peace with it pretty much) to tell me “oh you can reverse menopause – i have this friend…” and the references to ‘God works in mysterious ways, you never know’ BS. AAAH!
Also the “discussing not having children because of the effect they may have on the environment” is something I’m glad you brought up, not just for the things you stated but also because “not having children” assumes *biological*. Adopting eliminates that argument altogether, and the CNBC world more often than not ignores those of us who went through failed adoption attempts, whether it be being defrauded by a (fake) birth mother, adoption agency closing (no refunds!), or a foster care system that required an all or nothing approach where abusive siblings must be placed with the victim siblings (yep, all three happened to us, even after it was clear the victim sibling was making remarkable progress while not around her older abuser sibling who desperately needed mental health services they weren’t providing her).
Nothing like Mothers Day to send me back inwards 🙁
A, thank you for bravely sharing your truth. You brought to light many issues that — you are correct, even within the CNBC community — often do not get discussed. I am so sorry for your losses, your heartache, your grief. I send you so many gentle hugs, fellow warrior…