WOBBLE WARNING: Real, honest, raw talk about final days with my Nana, angels, Heaven, graduations, weddings, the circle of life, the emotions of life… Please, do not read if you are feeling vulnerable today.
The Circle of Life
People often talk about “the circle of life.” But is life really as perfect as a circle? Perhaps life is more like a spiral. But is it even that smooth and controlled? Isn’t life more like…
Zig, zag, up, down, front, back, lurch, hard turn, fast, slow, woah! Wow! Look at that! Close your eyes! What the heck?!
I’ll warn you… This blog is likely to be all over the place. Because recently, my life has been all over the place.
The Final Days of May 2021…
The last ten days of May, I went to visit my friends and family in Oklahoma. Our oldest niece graduated. My nephew-by-friendship got married. And I got to see my Nana and Grammy in person for the first time since Covid became part of our reality. (My last window visits with them were in September 2020.)
I expected some wobbles at the graduation party. I figured I’d tear up at the wedding. What came completely out of the blue, however… I connected deeply with a fellow fur mama. I found out that someone whom I consider family does not consider me the same. And my Nana got sick.
Visit 1…
I had planned to visit my Nana on Wednesday, the 26th. But she wasn’t feeling well, and her antibiotics hadn’t kicked in yet. So, my Mom and I decided to postpone our visit until Friday, the 28th. And I’m so glad we did. Because I got to see my Nana during her last lucid moments on this Earth. As I talked to my Nana, holding her in my arms, I cherished the fact that I could hug her and tell her that I loved her. Life has been so, so difficult over the past year. And I very much missed being able to see my two remaining grandmas in person. (I am deeply sorry for those who are still unable to visit their loved ones…) After a three-hour visit, my Mom and I left my Nana’s care facility.
Visit 2…
We returned on Monday, the 31st. And though we stroked her arm and kissed her forehead and told her that we loved her, my Nana did not speak nor open her eyes.
As I sat with my Nana, our childless community entered my mind. Because aging without children is a topic of concern for the childless not by choice. I couldn’t help but think about my final days, hoping that my nieces and nephew will be by my side…
My Nana had an incredible hospice nurse who advocated for her and made sure her final moments were as comfortable as possible. I really should make sure my nieces and nephew know about hospice. (When they are older, of course.)
Home…
I got back home to Dane and Maddie just before midnight on the last day of May. The next morning, 1st June, I found out my Nana had gone to Heaven just a couple short hours after midnight.
As I sat with my Nana that Friday—the last day she was lucid—she told my Mom and me that she could see. (My Nana had gone blind over the past year.) She told us that she saw people wearing beautiful white gowns. And she wondered how they kept those white gowns so clean! My Mom and I believe she was seeing angels. So, I told her that you don’t have to do laundry in Heaven because everything just stays clean. She responded, “I don’t like that.” I questioned, “Why?” And my Nana said (with a grin on her face), “Because I like to do laundry!” This memory makes me chuckle…
My Nana kept an immaculate house. Seriously, there was never a speck of dust in her home. It was spotless. And she kept her white laundry white. Because she loved her Clorox!
As I was doing ten days’ worth of laundry when I returned home, I didn’t grumble as I sometimes do. Instead, I did loads of laundry with joy. In honor of my Nana.
I hope you will do laundry with joy too, fabulous one. And I hope that you will embrace all that this life brings… The zigs, the zags. The ups, the downs. Even the what the hecks?!
A Final Thought about The Circle of Life . . .
This is not the blog I had originally planned to write for today. In fact, on my editorial calendar, I had made a note to write another in the “Beyond the Blog” Series, focusing on the Childless Not By Choice Awareness Ribbon. But as I am still quite raw in my grief, a blog about the CNBC Ribbon just wasn’t in me. Because I find writing cathartic, I allowed myself to simply share what was on my heart. And what is on my heart is more of a who… My Nana. Thank you for allowing me to share my very personal journey with you, fabulous one. I am honored that you follow along…
If you are concerned about aging without children, the following blog might resonate…
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Featured Photo: Created by me, using Canva
4 comments
I’m so sorry you lost your nana, but also very glad you had that special time with her.
Thank you, Mali.
Thank you for recording these precious memories in your blog. I can read again and again…..and smile. Your special bond with your nana glowed especially bright that day. 🙏❤💚💜🙏
Thank you. That brings some joy to my heart… HUGS