As told to Brandi Lytle
I’ve already told you about a fabulous childless warrior, Tamra, creator of “Chronicles of a Bleep Year Old Woman.” (You can read that post here.) Now, I want to give Tamra the opportunity to tell you her CNBC story. How did Tamra become Childless Not By Choice? And how is she Creating a New plan Bravely & Courageously…
So, let me turn it over to Tamra…
The Story of Tamra . . .
How did you become childless not by choice? (Infertility, chance, circumstance?)
The Back Story…
Growing up, there was only one path. Obviously, I would go to college, meet a man, get married and have children. And, I was into that. I had no other frame of reference being from Texas and having 4 siblings myself. All the women in my world were married with children and the unmarried were dating at 21 and moving toward marriage. Off to my life I went, headed to college, pretending to care about all sorts of other things, waiting for my ideal scenario. Meet him, date for a year or two, get married, travel and enjoy life together for a bit before having our two children: Cora Ashley would be the girl and Boy’s Name TBD.
The 20s and 30s…
College ended. No man. Having no reason not to go, I went to grad school. There was this thing inside of me that really wanted to pursue music, even wondered if I’d regret NOT pursuing it. So I figured I’d go for it. Maybe I’d meet my man in San Francisco. Finished grad school. No man. Exited my 20’s. No man. Moved to New York for my career since I had no reason not to. I had a man for a few years in there and, with him, I saw it finally happening. Marriage. Motherhood. That ended in my late 30’s. I exited my 30’s. No man.
Childless & Single…
For me, the marriage piece has always been fundamental and the greater challenge in dating has always been to separate my desire to be a mother from my desire to have a partner. The former tends to affect the latter so heavily. The latter theoretically has no timeline but the former, well, time’s up.
By circumstance…
By circumstance, I am childless. I am also unmarried. Lastly, I am of a certain age – not old, not young and not anything society assumes a woman should be at this age. Frankly, I am not anything even “I” originally assumed a woman should be. I am not a wife or a mother or a homeowner. Heck, I don’t even own a washer or dryer! The surprising piece of this puzzle is that I am also happy (most days, let’s keep this real).
You are so much more than childless not by choice. Tell us about yourself!
I’m a salsa dancer and a world traveler – both things I had grown tired of waiting for a partner so I could do. I am a writer, a musician and a lover of coffee shops. I am an Aunt to 5 nieces, 3 nephews and 1 baby on the way. I love being an aunt and cherish the unique capacity I have for that, given I do not have children of my own. I am an off-broadway producer, a film producer and an official New Yorker, having lived here 11 years. I cry when I laugh, when I’m sad, when I’m angry. And I love sharing moments over glasses of wine with strangers I meet at bars.
What roles are you redefining for yourself? and How are you redefining those roles?
Redefining Womanhood…
I am redefining my role as a woman. Small task 🙂 One small step for me that will hopefully result in a giant leap for womankind! The world is changing but society hasn’t quite caught up to that. It still believes that in order for me to have value, I must marry. In order for me to have value, I must pro-create. It believes the next step at my age is to get a few cats and call it a day. And, you know what? I might get a few cats. Cats are awesome and the term “cat lady” and world’s opinion on that should not deter a woman from having a cat if she wants one.
Embracing a life outside the norm…
My daily journey is devoted to fully embracing a life outside of societal norms and worldview concepts regarding age and female identity. I want to first understand for myself that life can be whole and beautiful and magnificent as a single, childless woman of a certain age. After that, I am devoted to educating the world around me to take us in differently. I do not desire the world’s pity. I want it to open its arms to me. I want it to embrace all I am OFFERING. Yes, I am female. I am in possession of a uterus but, just like all the humans that happen to be male, I have much to offer the world regardless of whether or not that organ comes into play in my lifetime.
Opening doors…
In my dream scenario, sharing my own journey opens the doors for many other women to embrace their own journeys outside of societal norms. BIG PICTURE. The world begins to understand how valuable we are regardless our status inside or outside those norms.
How are you Creating a New plan Bravely and Courageously?
Finding & Filling…
“Finding the silver lining” is one of my descriptive qualities. I’m practically convinced it’s in my DNA. “What CAN I do BECAUSE of my unique situation?” has been my approach to life. At some point, though, that wasn’t enough anymore. I do not want all the good to exist in the linings … a framing, hiding that huge space inside the frame. I stopped waiting, lining, framing and I started filling.
Creating…
In 2014, I had this idea for a comedic series. Chronicles of a Bleep Year Old Woman is about a woman who’s not at all ashamed of her age but every time she says it, it gets censored. It takes on age and societal norms for females, specifically in terms of how those affect us practically in society (ticking clocks, pressure to look young, to be considered beautiful, etc).
Writing & Producing…
I had not previously considered myself a writer, and I’d certainly never produced anything for the screen, but the idea wouldn’t go away. In 2016, I found the courage to write it, and in 2018, I, with a team of filmmakers, made the first episode. Since then, the episode has won several awards and been in 17 film festivals. It’s truly astounding and incredibly humbling. It seems to me that we women, those of us living outside of societal norms, are ready to be seen and that is why the series is so well received thus far.
Committing…
This is officially now my Plan A. I am committed to bringing the 30% of us over 30 and the 15% of us over 40 who will never have children into the glorious light. I am refusing to be whittled down to a sad, unmarried woman and I am wholly devoted to showing the world just how impactful a “selfish, unmarried, childfree” woman can be. I am exploring the full breadth of my capacity to love and pouring it out into both my daily life and this work.
Letting Go & Embracing…
In the letting go of what I was raised to believe was the only path … in the release of my original hopes and dreams, I have discovered a path full to the brim of hopes and dreams I could never have thought to imagine. In truth, I had to walk a path of pain and grief to get here, but gratitude is the feeling on the other side. Life didn’t turn out at all the way I planned it. Thank God.
Seriously, Tamra! Could you be any more fabulous?! You are one incredible lady. And I am sooo glad we connected! I can’t wait to see ALL the episodes of “Bleep Year Old!”
Fabulous one, if anything Tamra wrote resonates with you, please tell her about it in the comments.
If you’d like to learn more about “Chronicles of a Bleep Year Old Woman,” click here.
Want to inspire others & share your CNBC story? Click here to find out how…
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