Special Edition: Our Stories . . .

As told to Brandi Lytle

On the last Monday of each month, I share “Our Stories,” in the form of either a Good Things Story or a CNBC Story from a fellow Not So Mommy… community member.  Because May can be quite difficult for we childless, I decided to do something a bit different this month. 

Via Facebook and Instagram, I reached out to the Not So Mommy… community, posing four different questions—two from Good Things Stories and two from Our CNBC Stories.  As always, the support received was phenomenal, with many empowering and enlightening comments offered. 

A little later, I will share the thoughts fellow survivors and warriors communicated.  (Don’t worry!  Permission was obtained to publish their words.  Some will be credited with their first name, while others wished to remain anonymous.) 

Before sharing these truths that others so bravely spoke about, however, I want to start this special edition, “Our Stories,” with a beautiful letter that a Not So Mommy… community member sent to me.  She wishes to remain anonymous and apologizes if her letter is triggering. 

Here is her letter, “To Mothers…” (Trigger Warning)

To Mothers

Imagine that you have gone back in time – to when you first thought you were pregnant and you’re looking at the stick. Take a moment to remember how it felt waiting for the results. The anticipation – it’s tangible and so exciting. Maybe your spouse was there waiting with you. Count to ten – remember that feeling.

Now, in your mind – look down at the result. But it’s not positive. It’s negative. You’re not pregnant.  Your first child is not going to be born.

Now – go back – it’s another month. This time it will be different. Close your eyes – you’re waiting. Remember how it feels to be waiting for the results on that little plastic stick. You’re ready – it didn’t happen last month, so it will happen this month. Open your eyes. The results are in. Negative. That’s your second child not born.

Next, imagine doing this every month, year after year. None of your children are born. It’s as though you are kicked in the chest every month. The pain is so deep and cuts to the core – and it is relived every month, over and over and over again. The only one that knows your pain is your spouse. Because everyone assumes you “chose” not to have kids. Or, maybe we didn’t want them enough, or weren’t willing to give up our home for that next fertility treatment, didn’t pray enough, didn’t have enough faith… The list goes on.

Maybe we just need to move on… But every month, the wound gets deeper. It becomes more painful. The nerves get more exposed. Because every month passed is one month further from the children and the family you always dreamed of having.

You and your spouse watch from the sidelines as everyone else has kids and their lives become 100% child-centric. But your children – they don’t exist. Your family doesn’t exist. Slowly, family and friends forget to invite you and your spouse because you don’t have kids, so why would they? Gradually, you become more and more isolated, ignored – alienated. It’s as if your pain, grief and infertility are contagious. Do you remember your daughter’s princess birthday? Or that dream of taking your daughter to Disneyland? It never happened. Going to those horrid children’s choir recitals – never happened. Watching your daughter or son go on their first date or get married. Having your first grandchild? None of it. Just stop and imagine who or what you would be – if none of it happened. Not. For. You. Ever.

Now, finally you stop crying every month and maybe you get a pet. It’s not perfect, but all that love and devotion you had for those children that never happened gets to be put to something sweet and lovely. But your friends and family, they make jokes and tell you that you’re not a real mother. They say that you’re silly.

But when a childless woman or man has a pet and call it their fur-child or other kindness – know that it is the tiny band-aid holding back a tsunami of grief that threatens to overwhelm them. Every moment. Every day.

Or perhaps others say it’s great and you can babysit for them because you don’t have kids, so you have all the time in the world – for their kids. It’s basically the same thing, right?

They tell you how you will never know real love because you will never have a child. That somehow your capacity to love is diminished – virtually non-existent.

Does that feel like a slap in the face?

Wow…  These words are so poignant.  Somehow, she expresses the feelings, the grief, the reality of it all in such a clear way. 

But how do we childless move through this grief?  How do we embrace the what is and find joy in Plan B?  Well, that’s what we are going to explore today on this special edition, “Our Stories…”

Our Stories:  Thoughts from the Not So Mommy… Community

Good Things…

To climb from the pit of despair, I had to change my perspective.  I had to focus on the positive, find the bright sides to infertility and a childless not by choice life.  Others have done this, as well.  Here’s what they have to say about finding joy after struggle…

What good thing helped you to start focusing on the bright sides?

From Karen…

My first good thing that shifted my way of thinking to the bright side was visiting with a therapist. She changed our life. I was so worried about not being a mom, my friends passing me by, the unfairness… And I was also scared to be officially done. But I knew I was leaning in that direction. All these worries about the what ifs. She gave us the tools to grieve that dream, to acknowledge all the years of ick and work through all of it. She also gave us support to embrace our choice and new, amazing lifestyle. I literally called her my ‘soothing balm,’ – listening, acknowledging, and giving. Really helping us get through the biggest decision of our married life.

From Katie…

Being an auntie.  A brilliant auntie.  Never to be underrated.  It’s such an honour.

From Katy…

Good things that helped me focus on the positive:  Reinvesting in things I had lost energy and time for during infertility–hobbies, friendships, focus on my partner, reading, taking long walks and long baths!

From Liz…

My life started to move forward in a positive direction when we bought our first home. Neither my husband nor I had bought property before, so it was a pretty major event. By then, we knew it would be a home for us, but without getting to raise a child in it. But we knew this was an ideal house for having a fur baby, as it had a secure yard with plenty of room to play. It is also ideal for entertaining family and friends, which is something we love to do. Becoming a homeowner, and then a Labramummy, definitely helped me to focus on the positive.

From Melissa…

Renewed focus on health and fitness, putting myself first.

From Sherry…

During my relationship struggle, I drew a line down the middle of a sheet of paper and wrote good things/blessings on one side and bad things/troubles on the other. Visually seeing how much more good there was than bad changed my perspective and let me focus on the good, let go of what I couldn’t change, and return to joy.

From Tabitha…

Supporting others who struggle with infertility and CNBC circumstances has helped me a great deal and gives me a more positive feeling in a negative situation. A young lady has become my very best friend and like a sister to me. Helping her through the difficult times has given me a sense of purpose and an overall positive outlook on my life and others around me.

Redefining…

Personally, I am redefining momhood, embracing my dog mom and host mom roles.  I love to learn how others are redefining, as they move towards the acceptance of what is…

What roles are you redefining? and How are you redefining those roles?

From A Fellow Warrior…

Starting to stand up for the CNBC community and not be ashamed of my hysterectomy have been part of helping me redefine my plan B.

From Liz…

My roles include being proud of my professional career, a wife of 6 years, a pawesome Labramummy of 4 years, and an Aunty to many of my friends’ kids.

From Tabitha…

My largest passion with my infertility is speaking out to help younger women and men who are struggling so they will know they are not alone. I am not comfortable with my infertility, but I have accepted what is…. I remember in my 20’s and 30’s how horribly lonely my life was. While it seemed everyone around me was starting their families, I was stuck empty, with no one to share my grief and absolutely no support anywhere. So, my focus and redefining were learning my strength and supporting the CNBC community.

From a Fellow Warrior…

Some days, I’m a kick ass auntie!! Other days, I break down because I love my nephew so much and I know, deep down, he will never need me like he does his Mommy. It’s a constant journey.

As I love to redefine, I’ve even redefined what CNBC means to me.  When I use this abbreviation, I’m focused on how we, as childless not by choice, are Creating a New plan Bravely & Courageously.  An over-thinker, I’ve often wondered if I should have chosen a different “B” word or “C” word.  I mean, brave and courageous are the same thing, correct?  But I think it takes an extra dose of bravery and an exceptionally courageous person to do what we are doing—accepting what we cannot change, embracing a new path, living joyfully in the what is…  So, I’ve decided to stop over-analyzing.  Bravely & Courageously.  It works.

 Now, for Not So Mommy… community members’ thoughts on being CNBC…

How are you Creating a New plan Bravely & Courageously?

From Civilla…

The best way to create a new plan is to look ahead instead of looking back on what was and what could have been.

From Jill…

At the most basic level, I’m more focused on learning new things.  Not in pursuing another formal degree, but instead through reading more books and listening to podcasts – all in a wider topic range than I probably have in at least 10 years.  This habit is getting my thoughts to cycle through more ideas, especially what can I make my/our future look like?  I have a few experiences in mind–maybe not an entire life plan–but it feels great to be thinking wider and not recycling the same limiting thoughts, but looking for more to learn.

From Liz…

In August 2017, I was at a point in my life where I was very unhappy at work, which resulted in me gaining a lot of weight. (I’m an emotional eater.) But I was also wanting to connect with someone who knew what the “not so happily ever after” of infertility was like. Then, I discovered the Not So Mommy… blog and the first World Childless Week event. It was like my emotional fog had lifted and I was no longer alone. I learned about the existence of a new CNBC acronym that gave me the confidence to finally reveal a new identity for me– I was leading a CANBACE life.

The Wobbles…

Even when we’ve changed perspective, accepted, embraced, redefined, and found joy, wobbles still happen.  So, what should we do when we are struggling?

What advice would you give others who are struggling this May?

From Beth…

Grief is not a linear journey – it has many ups and downs.  And we will probably have wobbles until the day we die.

From Jen…

It’s okay to take a break from the things that trigger your grief.  Take care of yourself.

From Jenn…

Your feelings are valid.  You matter on this planet.  Love yourself.

From Jill…

If you use social media, find a way to navigate platforms in a way that is less emotionally depleting.  Temporarily hide accounts, unfollow, set a time to alert you to close down and move to a different activity.  I’ve taken May as a month to really evaluate who I am following and why, and I have decided to unfollow more people – and not just friends with kids.  I’ve also started going immediately to FB groups with contents I’m truly interested in versus scrolling my feed.

From Katy…

Be gentle with yourself and don’t be afraid of your grief.  Yes, it freaking sucks, but you have to learn to incorporate it in order to move forward.

From Liz…

Acceptance of being CNBC is not something that happens quickly. While I do have acceptance, May is still a tough month. But it gets easier when you have amazing support from our CNBC tribe in so many groups and blogs. Also, find different things to do, such as taking a holiday to somewhere new or pampering yourself at a day spa.

From Maria…

It helped me to read other people’s stories, to get in touch with people who have a similar journey, to meet my childless friends and family.  And I often ask when we are invited to friends with kids, if other childless couples will be there, too.  If not, I explain that this is too much for me to bear, and most people understand.

From Rebecca…

Boundaries help protect our heart when we are feeling vulnerable.  It’s okay to say no.  It’s okay to hide/block people on social media.  It is okay to do what’s best for your heart.

From Sasha…

Everyone deals with grief differently and when you have no one that you look up to or have not witnessed a person close to you go through this, it’s hard to feel you’re doing okay in dealing.  I learned that you don’t have to explain yourself and you don’t have to stop grieving even if people tell you, “Are you still not over that?!”

Some Final Thoughts on Our Stories . . .

Back to our CNBC friend’s letter, “To Mothers…”  Here’s how she finishes her message…

So, when you meet a childless woman, do not assume that she is incapable of love or has less capacity for it. Know this – she has survived the depths of despair and this has carved trenches on her soul. She has earned every smile she graciously gives out to those who do not know. She does not seek pity, sympathy, special treatment, nor even compassion – just understanding. Every time she smiles, it is proof of her ability to survive.

She has survived the depths of despair and this has carved trenches on her soul.

-A Fellow CNBC Warrior

Talk about brave and courageous…  This imagery is heart-breaking and strength-giving all at once, powerfully showing the true beauty that lies within those of us who are CNBC…

Thank you for sharing your truths, fabulous ones.  I love this community more than words can express…

 

If anything these brave warriors shared resonates with you, please tell them about it in the comments.

To learn how to share your story and inspire others, check out the “Our Stories” page here…

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Featured Photo:  Created on Canva