Redefining May as a Childless Woman

Trigger Warning:  Some real talk about childlessness, infertility, pregnancy, miscarriage, Mother’s Day, and more…

As a childless woman, May has been one of the hardest, most emotional, most triggering months throughout my journey.  Those within the CNBC tribe know exactly why this month causes so much angst.  Two little words—Mother’s Day.  For we childless, this day extends into weeks, as the commercialized build-up to Mother’s Day is everywhere.  And for those in the UK, this day overtakes months, as they celebrate Mothering Sunday in March, only to be bombarded once again with the May celebration.

Please, celebrate…

I, in no way, want to diminish the importance of Mother’s Day.  Women with littles deserve a day to celebrate this beautiful role they have.  In fact, I do not begrudge them posting photos of their lovely gifts, outings, and special moments with family.

Now, that doesn’t mean I will spend hours scrolling through and liking every picture.  In fact, I will most likely avoid social media on Mother’s Day.  And when a Mother’s Day post pops up on my newsfeed the following week, it might even get hidden, so I don’t have to see it again…

But I don’t want to request that these special moments be “forbidden” from Facebook and Instagram.  I mean, I don’t know what a woman struggled through to have that little.  Perhaps she battled infertility.  Or perhaps this is her rainbow baby.  Maybe she struggled for years to adopt.

Or maybe she was one of the lucky ones who got pregnant easily and never suffered loss.  We always say we wouldn’t wish our pain on anyone.  So, shouldn’t we be grateful for the woman for whom becoming a mom was “easy?”

But I digress…

Celebrate, but realize Mother’s Day is difficult for some…

Yes, May has proven to be the most difficult month of the year for me.  In the past, as Mother’s Day grew closer, I became anxious, nervous, depressed, irritable…  Even when I mustered up all my strength and vowed to have a good day, I often woke-up sad…

But I didn’t want this to be May for the rest of my life.  I had to make a change.  Yes, I had to figure out a way to not simply survive May, but to thrive…

How could I possibly do this as a childless woman?

Well, I decided to start redefining May.

So, what does May look like for a childless woman?  Well, for me, it looks like this…

Redefining May . . .

May 1:  Maddie’s Birthday

If you’re a regular here at Not So Mommy…, you know that Maddie is our adorable fur baby.  We adopted her five short months before my hubby asked if we could stop trying for a two-legged little.

For me to accept childlessness, I had to find a way to redefine momhood.  So, I fully and over-zealously embraced my role as a Dog Mom.

This means, that every May 1^st, we celebrate Maddie’s birthday.  This includes gifts, a special hat for Maddie (that she kind-of hates, but Mommy loves!), special treats (often vanilla ice-cream), and hanging out with Mommy & Daddy.  Often, I take Maddie to doggie day camp on her birthday, bringing goodies for her doggie friends, as well as her teachers.

Basically, my hubby and I bring in May with a beautiful celebration of our non-traditional kid!

May 1:  Canbace Day

Not only is May 1^st Maddie’s Birthday, but it is also Canbace Day.  (If you don’t know about canbace, you can learn more here.)  This year (2019) is the first ever Canbace Day.  To celebrate, I wrote an article for Canbace Life (formerly The Childless Not By Choice Magazine.)  In this article, I discuss how I am redefining the color of pink…

This may sound silly, but redefining pink and embracing it as my color has helped me to even more fully discover who I am.  It is allowing me a very visual, outward expression of the strong & fragile, has it all together & is a complete mess, warrior, survivor, “just want to be me” woman that I am continuing to become…  Yes, the color of pink means a lot to me.

*You can read my article, “Redefining the Color of Pink…” here.

The Second Saturday in May:  Dog Mom’s Day

Now, before you start asking about “Cat Mom’s Day” and “Bunny Mom’s Day,” I didn’t name the second Saturday in May.  If I had, it would be “Fur Mom’s Day.”  So…  Let’s call it that. ?

The reason I bring up this special day is because it once again allows me to redefine May.  For me, the fact that there is a nationally recognized Dog Mom’s Day proves that there are others out there like me!  And that is validating!

And this year, Dog Mom’s Day falls on May 11, which just so happens to be the anniversary of my Daddy going to Heaven.  (Another reason the month of May is a difficult one…)  Personally, I love that something happy is occurring on this day.  It’s as if my Daddy is reminding me that life does go on, and I need to enjoy it while I’m here…

The Second Sunday in May:  Mother’s Day

And that brings us to the day…

Accepting my hubby’s love…

Since accepting childlessness and adopting Maddie, we have celebrated my role as a Dog Mom on Mother’s Day.  My hubby gets me a card.  (He even traced Maddie’s paw one year as her signature!)  He makes me a special breakfast, buys me flowers, takes as many photos of me & my girl as I request, and simply tries to make the day as special as possible for me.  (And I do the same for him in June on Father’s Day.)

In the past, there were times that I felt like a fraud during my Mother’s Day celebration.  It’s like I’m pretending to be a real mom…

But I’m determined not to allow the opinions of others to get into my head.  I’m determined to focus on the unconditional love I have for my four-legged kiddo and enjoy that my hubby wants to show me how much he appreciates that I take such good care of our Maddie…

Accepting my mom’s love…

My beautiful Mom always sends me a card, too.  She reminds me about the incredible influence I have had on my former students and still have on my nieces, my nephews, our fur babies, and Bruna…  (I’m now crying and smiling as I type…)  Sometimes, I read her words and believe them with my whole heart.  Other times, I doubt…  (Yes, I still have wobbles…)

Accepting my exchange daughter’s love…

And Bruna…  Our wonderful exchange daughter who lived with us for six months and has now become family…  Bruna always sends me a lovely text on Mother’s Day.  She thanks me for taking such good care of both her and Maddie…  (Now, I’m really crying…)  I look forward to her message every year.  Because even though I know that our love is real, twinges of uncertainty still creep in at times…  And while I am certain that I play a “mom role” in her life, she has a biological mom, a real mom…

Keeping my balance…

So, it seems I’m always walking along a balance beam, hoping not to be knocked to the ground by someone’s harsh words, or even someone’s unintentional hurtful comment…  Hoping not to be knocked to the ground by the own dialogue within my head…

Mother’s Day:  A day to celebrate all women who love with a mom heart…

Because Mother’s Day is a potentially very difficult day for me, I try to make it special for all the women in my life.  I purchase cards not only for my mom and mother-in-law, but also for my grandmas and closest friends, all of whom have littles.  (And while browsing through Mother’s Day cards, I smile when I see “like a mom,” dog mom, and aunt cards…)  Plus, I send notes, texts, or messages to my aunts, sister-in-law, and my nephew’s mom.  I write Bruna’s mom, thanking her for sharing her daughter with me and Dane.  I accept Mother’s Day greetings from others and extend my well-wishes to them…

Redefining May with the Childless Not By Choice Awareness Ribbon

And this year, I plan to redefine May (and Mother’s Day) even more by proudly displaying the olive green Childless Not By Choice Awareness Ribbon.  Because while I want moms to be celebrated, I also want the world to understand that there is a group of women who longed to be traditional moms of two-legged kiddos, but that’s just not how life turned out.  I want the world to understand (or at least acknowledge) my Dog Mom role, my Host Mom role, my role as a “mom figure” in the lives of my nieces, nephews, and former students…

Or maybe I just want the world to keep its trap shut if it doesn’t think this is being a “real mom” because I just don’t need your negativity as I’m trying to joyfully embrace this Plan B Life…

So, I will post my Mom’s Day photo with Maddie and I will thank Bruna for being an amazing daughter and I will unashamedly declare that I am childless not by choice, displaying the olive green CNBC Awareness Ribbon.

Because this Mother’s Day thing…  Well, it’s just not so simple.

How are you redefining May, fabulous one?

There are many paths to childlessness.  And there are many paths to acceptance.  Find yours, fabulous one.  Embrace, redefine, and boldly show the world what being childless not by choice looks like for you!  -Brandi Lytle, Founder of Not So Mommy…

I realize that how I have accepted my childless life, how I have redefined momhood and am redefining May for myself, might not work for you.  (I mean, not everyone wants to celebrate Mother’s Day as a Fur Mom.)  But I hope that as I show you how I’m accepting, embracing, and redefining, you will discover a way to do this for yourself, too.  And if you ever need a listening ear, please contact me.  I don’t want anyone to feel alone on this journey…

If anything I wrote resonates with you, please tell us about it in the comments.

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