Trigger Warning: Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, the grief of infertility…
Father’s Day was hard for my hubby and me even before we discovered that we are infertile. You see, Dane’s Dad got sick on Father’s Day, passing away nine years later at Christmastime 1993. My Daddy passed away in 2001, just five short months after Dane and I were married. We had hoped Father’s Day would be redefined when we had a little and we could celebrate Dane as a Daddy… Determined not to allow infertility to steal that dream, we have redefined June by redefining dadhood . . .
The Hardest Day of the Year…
Last month, I challenged we childless women here at Not So Mommy… to redefine May. For me, personally, redefining May involves redefining momhood. As June rolled around, I breathed a sigh of relief, grateful that I made it through the most triggering month of the year with only one, little wobble. But then, I realized that while I had made it through Mother’s Day, June is the time for Father’s Day. And if Mother’s Day is the hardest day of the year for childless women, then Father’s Day must be the hardest day for childless men. Yet, we don’t see the support, the blogs, the social media postings reminding the Not So Daddy… community that they are worthy and amazing and loved and doing a phenomenal job redefining dadhood . . . Well, that needs to change.
You aren’t the only one who couldn’t have a baby…
After realizing that we would not have a biological or adopted child, there were (well, still are) ups and downs on our acceptance journey. During one of our “downs,” I clearly remember my husband passionately stating, “You aren’t the only one who couldn’t have a baby!” Intellectually, I knew that was true. But emotionally, I had been selfish, focused on the fact that I couldn’t get pregnant. Sadly, during our battle, I don’t think I gave much thought to how our infertility made my hubby feel…
This is probably because he always seemed so strong, so sure, so in-control of his emotions. But don’t let that fool you, like it did me. Just because he isn’t crying outwardly does not mean this journey is not just as tough on him. And just because he doesn’t openly complain about Father’s Day doesn’t mean it doesn’t cause him to wobble…
On Being Childless: A Man’s Perspective…
My Hubby’s Story…
Last June, I asked my husband if he would share his CNBC Story with the Not So Mommy… community. (He’s actually the reason I started this blog. He even came up with the name!) I was extremely grateful when he agreed, as Dane doesn’t often talk openly about being childless not by choice. If you’d like to read his story, just click here.
Redefining Dadhood as a Dog Dad…
As my hubby said in his CNBC Story, he’s a proud Dog Dad. Yes, I feel very lucky to have a husband who takes his pet parent role as seriously as I do…
Our Maddie escaped from our yard one evening. When I realized she was gone, I yelled to Dane that Maddie was missing. He sprinted through the house, ran out the back door, and leaped over the iron fence, as he yelled her name. Much to our relief, she came running towards him, having only gone to our front yard. Daddy scooped her up and gave her lots of cuddles, while also reprimanding her for scaring us half to death!
Yes, my over-six-foot, burly, doesn’t-show-his-emotions husband loves our little fur baby just as much as I do! I adore listening to their “conversations,” which I, of course, wrote a blog about. Click here to read it! ?
Childless Men…
So, not only did my hubby stand by my side during our ten-year infertility battle, but he walks this path of accepting childlessness with me, encouraged me to start my childless blog, shared his story on my blog, embraces redefining dadhood as a Dog Dad & Host Dad, and makes me laugh (which is no small feat because I’m a super serious person!) He inspired me to write “The Childless Men Who Support Us” in honor of Father’s Day last year. And this year, he inspired me to write this blog, “Redefining June by Redefining Dadhood . . . ,” because my hubby has done an amazing job at doing just that—redefining dadhood . . .
Redefining Dadhood, Redefining Dad’s Day…
So, this Sunday, I will try to make Dad’s Day just as special for him as he made Mom’s Day for me. And even though he won’t gush over the card or the gift, I know it means a lot to him that I acknowledge his Not So Daddy… role, his redefining, his acceptance of what is, embracing childlessness, finding joy…
For you fabulous ones with a Not So Daddy… in your lives, make this Sunday special for him! Because he deserves to be reminded that he is more than, too…
*On a complete side note, I just realized that today (June 10) is my parent’s wedding anniversary, plus Dane and my half-anniversary. So, it is rather fitting that I shared this special post about dads…
If anything I wrote resonates with you, please tell us about it in the comments.
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