Pretty Outside, Chaos Inside: The Infertility Battle

by Brandi Lytle
Photo of a Red Door With a Wreath on Pretty Outside, Chaos Inside: The Infertility Battle on Infertility/Childless Blog on Not So Mommy...

My husband and I are nearly two years into a major remodel on our home.  And when I say major, I mean it—inside and outside, top to bottom, all our land, plus every room in the house.  So far, we have cleaned, scrubbed, thrown away, painted, built flowerbeds, put in hardwoods, tore out cabinets, replaced windows, hung doors, ripped out sheetrock, put up insulation, framed walls, done wiring, and the list goes on…  And we are doing this by ourselves, so we need about another year to complete everything!

We are getting really tired of living is disarray.  My hubby and I are neat freaks who love order, with everything in its place.  In fact, we’ve had several people walk into our previous homes and question if anyone lives there.  One of my friends was scared to even sit down because she didn’t want to mess anything up!

But a neat, tidy, orderly house is not what we are living in right now.  And it was beginning to really bug us.  So, while I was visiting family, my fabulous hubby decided to focus on the outside of our home and start getting it done.  He raked up the leaves, built the front flowerbed, got rid of the branch piles, touched up paint, built an arbor, finished trimming our deck, and more…

Pretty Outside

When I arrived home after the holidays, our little cabin in the woods looked absolutely adorable.  The manicured yard, lovely front porch, and beautifully painted green door were all so welcoming…  As we came up the driveway, I couldn’t help but smile.  Now, this looks like our home!

Chaos Inside

As I opened our front door and stepped inside, however, I was quickly reminded that we are still in the midst of construction.  The upstairs sheetrock is not done, the living room is bare of decorator pieces, and the kitchen is halfway demolished…  Yes, there is still much to do in order to finish this remodel!

The Infertility Battle – Pretty vs. Chaos

As I thought about my home, our projects, the difference between the pretty outside and the chaos inside, I realized that this is how I felt while going through our infertility battle.  What do I mean?  Well, I was pretty on the outside.  Anyone looking at me would never have known that I was struggling through an infertility battle that included medical tests and raging hormones, disbelief, emotions so out of control that I often felt like my head was going to explode…  All of that was on the inside.

On the outside, I was teaching and attending birthday parties and hanging out with friends.  I was going to Church and taking meals to those who had surgery and being a wife to my hubby and dog mom to my fur babies.  I looked like I had it all together…

You only knew what was going on inside if I allowed you to walk through that front door.  Only then did you see the real turmoil, the disaster, the infertility battle that was truly going on…  That battle lasted for ten years, and it was exhausting.

Childless Acceptance – Pretty & Pretty

Now beginning my fifth year of accepting my childless life, I’m no longer simply pretty on the outside.  Since the beginning of 2014, I’ve spent time working on the inside as well.  I feel much calmer, more joyful, less unsure.  Of course, I’m still emotional at times, there are still projects to be done…  But for the most part, the inside matches the outside.  And for that, I am grateful.  It is a much easier life to live…

Fabulous one, if you only feel pretty on the outside, invite someone in to see your mess.  Maybe they can help you figure out some of your struggles.  Maybe they can help you clean up.  Homes are made to live in and share.  We should never be ashamed to let others inside.  The same is true of our hearts.  They are filled with love that is meant to be shared.  Open yours and let the healing begin…

Read more about Our Infertility Journey

Featured Photo:  Jay Mantri on

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Sherry January 24, 2018 - 4:49 pm

And thus the saying, you are beautiful both inside and out. You are whole and I could not be prouder.

Brandi Lytle January 24, 2018 - 4:54 pm

Thank you! 🙂

Lucy January 24, 2018 - 2:45 pm

What a great image for the loneliness of living an incongruent life. Thank you!

Brandi Lytle January 24, 2018 - 4:55 pm

I’m glad you enjoyed the post and the symbolism. Thank you for reading!


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