How did my husband and I become childless not by choice? Well, the short answer is because of infertility. But honestly, our story is more complicated than that. For the past year, I’ve told a lot about our journey. If you are new here to Not So Mommy… or if you want to refresh your memory about our struggles, you can check out these blogs from the archives…
- Before We Knew: The Diagnosis of Severe Infertility
- After the Diagnosis: The Beginning of Our Infertility Struggle
- Our Journey: From Infertility to a Childless Life
Even after a year of blogging and sharing, I realize that there is more to our story . . . How did my husband and I become childless not by choice? Yes, we suffer from severe infertility. That is the physical reason we couldn’t have a biological child. But there are other spiritual, financial, and emotional decisions within our story that led us to ultimately leading a childless not by choice life…
Spiritual Reasons…
After being diagnosed with severe infertility, our doctor, of course, recommended various treatment options. While I was willing to try some, there were others that I simply was not comfortable with, namely IVF.
As we discussed options, we asked what would happen to the embryos that we did not implant. When the doctor told us that they could be discarded, allowed to die, tears sprang to my eyes and a deep ache filled my heart. For me, I could not fathom allowing the embryos, our unborn children, to die. And for me, this was very much due to the fact that I am Christian and could not align my moral beliefs with the intricacies of IVF.
Now, before you get too upset with me, I am in no way looking down upon, condemning, or judging anyone who has done IVF. For those who have discarded embryos, I have no doubt that this was a difficult choice, and I feel great empathy for them about the extremely complex decision they had to make.
Infertility treatments are very personal. Each couple must choose the treatments that they feel are right for them, making decisions that, honestly, no one should ever have to make. Perhaps those who do IVF are stronger than me. I simply could not put myself in the position of having to decide…
Although my husband would have pursued IVF, he understood my feelings and did not pressure me to do something I was not comfortable with. So, part of the reason we are childless not by choice is because he supported my choice.
Financial Reasons…
After seven failed IUIs and the decision that IVF was not an option for us, my husband and I began to look into adoption. We researched domestic, international, embryo, and child services adoption paths. One of the major deterrents to both domestic and international adoption was the cost, ranging from $10,000 (through a special agency where you adopted children with special needs) to $50,000 (for an international adoption in Guatemala). We had already spent thousands of dollars on infertility treatments and now, we were looking at tens of thousands more… It was all quite overwhelming, and we just didn’t know where we would get these funds. The last thing we wanted to do was become financially destitute while adopting, then unable to properly care for our new child… So, another reason we are childless not by choice is because domestic and international adoption were cost prohibitive.
You may be thinking that we still could have adopted embryos or through child services. Although you are correct, we ultimately decided that this was not our path… You can read more about that in these blogs…
Emotional Reasons…
Ten years into our battle, my husband told me that he didn’t want to keep trying. (You can read about that here.) Although I was initially crushed, feeling that he didn’t want to have a baby with me, I now understand there was so much more to his request…
We had spent a decade of our life hoping and wishing and trying… We’d spent a decade researching and crying and supporting one another… A decade feeling that our life would begin when… When we got pregnant, when we had a baby, when we adopted a child…
And my hubby was tired. To be honest, so was I. We were both completely and totally emotionally drained. Although I wanted to keep fighting, my husband asked if I would please accept our life as it was rather than spend the next ten years like the last. So, part of the reason we are childless not by choice is because I respected his choice. You can read more about that in…
What’s our story of becoming childless not by choice?
So, how did my husband and I become childless not by choice? Well, infertility started us down this path. But ultimately, we ended up here because my husband chose to support my request to not pursue IVF, we supported each other in our joint decision that domestic, international, and embryo adoptions were not our path, and I chose to support my husband’s request to live our life as it was.
For those outside our tribe, you may think it sounds as if we are childless by choice. While we did make some choices, those were out of necessity. I can promise you that we are most definitely childless not by choice. We would have loved to get pregnant the old-fashioned way and have a little like so many others…
But that was not to be. And we have accepted that. Hopefully, by sharing our story, those outside our tribe will have a better understanding of this complicated journey and won’t offer platitudes like “Don’t give up!” (Read about why that piece of advice is really not so helpful here.) Because anyone who is childless not by choice has been through a physical, spiritual, financial, and emotional battle. When we get to the point of trying to accept being childless not by choice, we are drained. So, please, listen to our story without judgement, giving us support and love, understanding that our journey has been grueling…
The next blog in the series, “Not So Helpful: Things You Shouldn’t Say to the Childless” will talk about the comment, “You never know true love until you have a child,” the hurtful words being focused on during this year’s World Childless Week.
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Click the image below to read Nicci & Andrew Fletcher’s CNBC Story…
Click to read Nicci & Andrew Fletcher’s Childless Not By Choice Story…
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3 comments
Support and so much love always and forever.?
Your support and love mean so much… HUGS!
Another beautifully thought provoking blog Brandi. Whilst we obviously made choices too I never thought of these as separate from the physical reasons for being childless not by choice. Yet they are different and they are all important elements of how we came to be where we are now. They will also play an important role in how we move forwards in the future.