Trigger Warning: Raw, honest talk about miscarriage, plus mention of moms & littles
I believe to have authentic conversations, we must discuss all aspects of a topic, looking at things from various perspectives. Because of this, I created two different categories of the Our Stories section here at Not So Mommy… One, Our CNBC Stories, is specifically for we childless not by choice. The other, Our Good Things Stories, is for all—both childless and those who support us—to share how we found joy after struggle.
Several months back, Jo, of Pickle and Poppet, graciously allowed me to share my childless story on her mommy blog.* In turn, I asked if she’d like to share her Good Things Story at Not so Mommy…, and she agreed. What surprised me when I received her story was that Jo suffered miscarriage. My focus had been on the fact that she was a mom. She got the littles. Her story reminded me that we never know what someone went through to get those littles…
So, let me turn it over to Jo, as she explains how she found joy after miscarriage…
Sometimes bad things happen. That’s a fact. Getting through them can be tough but somehow, by some miracle, you do just that. You get through it. Here is my Good Things Story.
What difficulty were (or are) you struggling with? Why had you lost your joy?
Miscarriage. A word I had heard of, but had the mentality, “It wouldn’t happen to me.” When we fell pregnant with our first baby, we were so excited. The “12-week rule” meant nothing, and we told those closest to us. At 9 weeks, I started to bleed. Only a little, but I knew it wasn’t a good sign.
I had called the early pregnancy unit (EPU), and we talked about it. As I wasn’t flooding, they said to go in on Monday for a scan. It was the next day, but it was the longest time ever having to wait! We went in and an internal scan confirmed our fears. There was no heartbeat, and the sac hadn’t been growing. They couldn’t actually confirm it, however. We had to go home and “let nature take its course.” We were to go back a week later to make sure I was okay.
We were devastated. Sam stayed off with me as long as he could. One night, we went to bed and the contractions started. Apparently, nature was “taking its course.” That night, we lost our baby. I insisted on going to the hospital to be checked over. They confirmed it this time.
Eventually, Sam went back to work. I wasn’t ready. This is where my good things part comes in.
What good thing (no matter how big or small) helped you to start focusing on the positive (the bright sides)?
Whilst Sam was at work, it would have been easy to stay in bed, head under the duvet, crying. And I wanted to! Sometimes I did. But I was also lucky enough to have the best family–my good things. My sister was not working during the day, and so, she came over with my niece to keep me company.
We did “normal” things. We went to the shops, we giggled about things and were a little silly. Ate chocolate. Played games. And whilst part of me felt guilty, part of me needed that. Some normality. To smile and feel normal.
I have photos of my niece from those days. I remember it clearly because I had bought Sam some Lindt chocolates and she had been playing with the big ball they came in. Those photos could make me feel low because it was one of the worst times of my life. But they don’t. They make me smile, remind me how the silliness of the days with my sister and my beautiful niece helped to bring me sunshine when I needed it. I’m thankful for the photos, that day, and my family.
What would you like to say to others who are going through the same struggle that you have overcome (or are in the process of overcoming)?
I learned quickly in those days that it is OK to smile and laugh even though your heart is breaking. It is OK to lose yourself sometimes and not be caught up in the moment. It’s also very OK to tell the world to go away if you need to. I’ve done both. And my family supported that.
My advice is to tell your family how you feel. And do whatever you feel is right for you at the time. You will be OK.
Thank you, Jo, for bravely sharing your story.
I challenge we childless to remember that the mom with littles may have struggled through miscarriages, infertility treatments, adoption struggles… Yes, she got the little and we didn’t. But that doesn’t mean her story doesn’t involve heartache, too. It doesn’t mean that she didn’t have to find her good thing, find her joy after struggle…
*Since sharing my story over at Pickle & Poppet, Jo has stopped blogging, as she has gone back to university. Thus, her website is no longer active.
If anything Jo (or I) wrote resonates with you, please tell us about it in the comments.
Fabulous one, won’t you inspire others and share how you found joy after struggle? To find out how, click here…
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Featured Photo: Xochi Romero on StockSnap.io
Miscarriage is a death, plain and simple. It’s the way you process emotions and choose joy that gets you through it.