On Turning 45: Living MY Authentic Life

WOBBLE WARNING:  In this post, I speak candidly about redefining momhood, talking about my nieces and nephews, fur baby, and foreign exchange daughter.  I also talk about my husband, our remodel, and worries I have about the future when our nieces have littles of their own.  I even mention baby showers.  And I talk about watching my best friend be a mom.  So, there are lots of potential wobbles…  Ultimately, I think you’ll find this post empowering.  But only read if you are feeling strong enough to manage the possible wobbles, fabulous one.

This Wednesday is my birthday.  I’m turning 45.  I am officially middle-aged.  And I’ve been reflecting a lot on who I am and how I want to live out the rest of my years on this Earth…

Our Fixer-Upper…

My husband and I bought a fixer-upper cabin on two-acres just over six years ago.  This little house–and the land it sits on–needed A LOT of attention.  We spent four years completely remodeling the inside and outside of our little cabin.  And we still have small projects that need to be done inside our home.

Last year, we did a TON of work in our yard–laying sod, putting in a sprinkler system, building two brand new flowerbeds, redoing all the beds around our home, and planting lots of trees, shrubs, and flowers.

This year, we discovered that the weed barrier we installed, topped with mulch, was holding too much moisture.  Because of this, mold was growing.  We think that’s why many of our plants have struggled to thrive and why we battled fungus on our new sod last year.  So, we made the decision to remove all mulch and weed barrier, going back to bare dirt.

It has been an arduous process, to say the least.

As I wheeled the umpteenth wheelbarrow full of mulch and moldy weed barrier to our trash pile, I considered the love, care, and attention that Dane and I give our home, our yard, our flowers and trees and shrubs.  And it truly sank in that my hubby and I are very loving plant parents.

Redefining Momhood…

Since beginning my blog in 2017, I have stated that I am “Redefining Momhood” as a Dog Mom and Host Mom.  Only recently did I realize that my redefining momhood also includes being a plant mom.  And though I also believe I’m redefining momhood as a wife and aunt, I don’t usually talk quite as openly about this because I’ve found it hard to clearly explain what I mean…

Mother By Nurture…

Last year, I shared Gay’s CNBC Story, in which she stated, “I call myself a Mother by Nurture, Not by Circumstance…”  As I continued to walk wheelbarrows full of mulch and moldy weed barrier across our two acres, I pondered her words.  A Mother by Nurture…  That resonates deeply with me.  Yes, I’d say I am a mother by nurture, NOT by nature.  Funny how I was working in nature when I came to this realization…

At almost 45-years-young, I am finally truly discovering who I am, how I mother, and I’m able to put this into words…

I am a mother by nurture.  I nurture my husband, my nieces, my nephews, my exchange daughter, my fur baby, my plants, my home, and more…  I’m also really beginning to embrace nurturing myself, too.

Nurturing Myself…

After working for hours in our yard, three days in a row, I was utterly exhausted.  My sweet hubby offered to pick up dinner for us.  So, I took some time to take an extra long shower, using my favorite scalp detox, body scrub, and facial oil.  I rubbed lotion on my feet and spritzed on some of my favorite body spray before putting on my comfy dog mom sweatshirt and big, baggy lounge pants.  Because why should I save the body scrub for a special occasion?  Finishing hours of work in the yard is special enough.  I am special enough to just use the fancy, good-smelling scrub!

Yes, at almost 45, I’m learning to embrace the moment.  I’m learning to honor myself for being a mother by nurture.  I’m learning to love myself for all that I am—a beautiful, strong, infertile, childless, post-menopausal woman who battles endometriosis, aches, pains, fatigue, grief…

I’m even learning to embrace the fact that I am a woman who over-thinks and over-analyzes and worries.  A lot.

Considering the future…

As my nieces are all growing up, I know weddings and baby showers are possibly going to start happening within five to ten years.  And I’m already starting to get anxious about this!  Which I was thinking about as I walked loads of mulch and moldy weed barrier across our yard.  And I also thought of my best friend who passed away from cancer at 40-years-young.  My friend who left behind a little…

Recalling the past…

You know, I was never jealous of Jennifer.  I loved watching her be a mom.  Loved going to Babies-R-Us with her to register for her baby shower.  Loved going to her baby shower.  I loved every minute of every moment I got to share with her and my nephew-by-friendship.  And it dawned on me…

Choosing…

I can choose to focus on all that is good when and if my nieces have littles of their own.  I can embrace the beauty of the moment and enjoy being a Great Tia, enjoy my role…  No, I won’t be a grandma.  But that doesn’t mean I can’t have a special place in the festivities, in the life of my great littles.  It doesn’t mean I can’t be a grandma by nurture.  I am redefining momhood.  Why can’t I redefine grandmahood in the future?  Redefine being a childless great aunt?

Because, at almost 45, I have found joy despite…  And I want to maintain that joy during the coming years.  I don’t want to dread what should be happy occasions.  I don’t want to feel awkward and out of place.

So, I am going to live MY life as a childless woman who is redefining momhood as a wife, dog mom, aunt, host mom…  A childless woman who is a mother by nurture…  A woman who is beautiful and strong and capable and loving…

Here’s to year 45.  May it be an authentic one…

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Fabulous one, if anything I wrote about turning 45 resonates with you, please tell us about it in the comments…

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Featured Photo: Taken By Second Star Creative; Edited by me, using Canva