On grief, healing, and the arts…

SENSITIVE POST WITH A WOBBLE WARNING:  As the title suggests, we are talking about grief today.  And healing.  And how movement arts have helped me through both.  I think you’ll feel empowered by the end.  But please, only read if you are feeling strong enough to make it through the possible wobbles, fabulous one…

I have been on a grief journey—a healing journey—for most of my adult life.  My Daddy passed away in 2001 when I was only 24-years-young.  At the end of 2013, I realized that I would indeed be forever childless.  In 2018, my best friend passed away at 40-years-young.  And last year, during 2021, both my Nana and my Grammy went to Heaven, leaving me with no grandparents here on Earth.

On grief . . .

My Nana’s passing on June 1^st was particularly difficult for me.  As I looked through my 2021 editorial planner, I noticed that the months of June, July, and August were nearly blank.  Though I know that I blogged and posted on social media during those months, I obviously didn’t take the time to fully plan or write out what I was doing here at Not So Mommy…  I do remember that I spent a lot of time outdoors, working in the 90+ degree sweltering summer heat.  I preferred to be physically uncomfortable.  That way, I could avoid being in emotional pain, feeling my intense grief…

On the arts . . .

I didn’t completely ignore my grief, however.  Last July 2021, my aerials coach asked we students to choose a song to choreograph for a solo performance.  My aunt had sent me the song, “Scars in Heaven,” stating that it reminded her of Nana.  I decided that I wanted to choreograph aerial moves to that song, recording my performance as a tribute to my Nana and a gift for my family.

I worked on this special movement arts performance for five months.  Deciding on aerial dance moves, transitions, hand placements…  Changing moves, tweaking timing…  Recording myself singing the song…  Finding the perfect outfit…  Figuring out how to wear my hair…  Practicing, practicing, practicing…

Finally, in November, I believed I was ready to record my piece.  I had practiced countless times and could now make it through my performance without mistakes.  And without tears.

My coach met with me and Dane on a Friday evening.  I told her I thought it would be “one and done.”  I planned to perform my piece one time, get it recorded, and be off to dinner.  This would take thirty minutes tops.  At least, that was my plan…

In reality, I didn’t even make it through my entire piece the first five times I tried.  Nearly 45 minutes after arriving, I was starting to doubt that I could do this.  Finally, on my sixth try, I performed the entire piece and said that was good enough.  I knew it wasn’t perfect.  But it would have to do.

I should have…

Over the next few days, I thought about “recording day…”  (Or rather, analyzed it…)  And I began to think, I should have…

I should have practiced more in the clothes I was going to perform in.  Should have practiced on the white sling more.  I should have…  Should have…  Should have…

Isn’t that how we feel about our childless journey?

I should have tried this.  Or that.  Should have started sooner.  I should have…  Should have…  Should have…

Or perhaps you say, “What if…”

As it should…

But these thoughts aren’t helpful.  So, I tried oh-so-hard not to allow them to take over.  Instead, I realized that my performance turned out just as it should—just as it would…  Because I prepared the best I could.

I did practice in the clothes I performed in and tried out the white sling.  Truly, I thought I was prepared.  But nothing could have prepared me for the cold that evening, the nerves I felt…

You know, I said earlier that I thought recording day would be a “one and done.”  That was my plan.  But that’s not at all what happened.  I tried five times to make it through my piece.  The sling felt weird.  My hands were slippery.  I messed up on a move.  I was nearly in tears and starting to doubt myself.  Thank goodness I had Dane and my aerials coach to offer me love, support, and encouragement.  In fact, Dane whispered in my ear, “You got this!”  And on my sixth try, I did it.  I made it through the entire piece.

Despite making it through…

The beginning is not exactly how I wanted it…  The camera angle isn’t quite right…

I missed a cue.  So, I didn’t hit a move at the exact moment I wanted.

But I did eventually find my groove.  And the middle to the end is strong.  (Though the sling billows a bit on a pike through.)

On childless grief…

Doesn’t all this sound like our grief journey?  Our childless journey…

Have you tried and stumbled?  Are you starting to doubt yourself?  Well, fabulous one, “You got this!”  Our childless community is here to offer love, support, and encouragement…

Things aren’t exactly how we wanted, aren’t quite right…  Things are missing…

But eventually, after a lot of grief work, we find our groove.  Though wobbles still happen…

We do get stronger the longer we walk…

On healing . . .

I watched the recording of my performance numerous times over the past few months.  And I fall in love with this piece more each time I watch it.  The struggles of recording day are beginning to fade.  I don’t focus on the little details that I originally thought weren’t quite right.  Instead, I enjoy all that is lovely…  Because I’m healing.

Just as I fall in love more with my childless life the more that I walk it.  I no longer focus on what is missing, what isn’t quite right…  Instead, I enjoy all that is lovely…  Because I’m healing.

On grief, healing, and the arts…

Aerials—a movement art–has become a way for me to process through my grief artistically, a way for me to begin healing.  Though I am not ready to publicly share my performance, here is a collage of three of my favorite moments within my piece…

Coming Up…

Next week, I am going to introduce you to Helen Segal, a fellow childless warrior, who has created an online program to help “heal and honour childlessness through creativity and community.”  Please, make sure to check out the blog on Monday to learn more about Helen and her incredible work at Empowered Childlessness!

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Featured Photo:  Created by me, using Canva