On Being Childless: Accept, Redefine, Embrace. . .

In April, my hubby and I took a weekend trip to North Carolina to celebrate my 42^nd birthday. One of my requests was to spend some time in nature, walking the peaceful trails that lead to one of the Carolina’s gorgeous waterfalls. So, on my birthday, we did just that. And I captured this photo, my favorite one from our trip. Now, what does this snapshot have to do with being childless? How does it represent, “accept, redefine, embrace?” Well, we’ll get back to that a bit later. For now, let’s talk about how we make it through the struggles…

How to make it through the struggles . . .

Often, those who are struggling wonder how they will make it through. I can only speak from my perspective, but this is how I climbed from the pit of despair…

To find joy despite infertility, childlessness, or any of life’s difficulties, I believe you must do three things…

Accept that there are things that cannot be changed. Accept what is…
Redefine your dreams. And perhaps more importantly, redefine your expectations…
Embrace your new Plan B with such reckless abandon that others don’t even realize it is a Plan B…

What does this three-step process look like in action? Well, as an example, allow me to share a bit of my journey, plus let’s take a look at the 9 blogs I published in May…

Accept what is…

I am an infertile woman. Despite my best efforts, having surgery, eating healthier, practicing yoga, and undergoing 7 rounds of infertility treatments, I could not “overcome” this scientific fact. I am infertile.

And I had to accept that my infertility cannot be changed.

I also had to accept that I am different. This does not make me less than, but rather, unique. Some days, I love my uncommon life. Other days, not so much…

But that’s okay. Because part of acceptance is accepting the feelings, accepting the wobbles, accepting myself as I am…

During May, I showed “accept what is” in three different blogs…

(By the way, I do believe “An Autumn Wreath in Springtime” is my most favorite blog I’ve ever written here at Not So Mommy…)

Redefine Your Dreams and Your Expectations…

I accepted the fact that I am infertile. But I could not accept the fact that I would never be a mom. Now, that posed a problem. Stuck wanting to change something that seemingly couldn’t be changed, I knew I had to figure out a “solution.” My “fix” for this “problem…” Redefine.

First, I began to redefine what momhood means to me. As I continue on this journey, however, I find that I am redefining other aspects of my life as well… Redefining May, redefining how I take care of others, redefining my home, my relationships, my existence…

Last month, I talked about “redefining” in several blogs…

Embrace Plan B…

Life without my friend…

Last September, my best friend passed away from breast cancer. She’s been in Heaven for about eight and a half months now. Over the past month, I’ve realized the tears are fewer, the ache in my chest not quite as intense… As I begin to accept that I cannot change the fact that she is gone from this Earth, as I try to redefine what life and celebrations and friendships will look like without her, I worry a bit that I’m moving on too quickly. I mean, eight months?! Surely, the grief should still be overwhelming. Surely my love for her is worth more than eight months…

As I wipe away tears that have begun to fall, I realize this guilt is a lie. Jennifer was and is and will always be my very best friend. I love her, and I will miss her forever. And stating this has caused that deep, deep ache to return, and I can no longer keep the tears at bay. So, while I’m trying to accept and redefine and even embrace, it’s a process…

Life without biological kids…

I tell you this, opening my heart, and allowing the grief to overwhelm because, I think, at times, people wonder how badly I really wanted kids. I mean, I proudly (and loudly) state that I am a joyful dog mom and that I love Bruna, our (exchange) daughter, with my entire heart. And I adore the life my hubby and I have built together. So, if I can embrace this “Plan B” with such intensity, then did I really want kids that badly in the first place?

The short and simple answer…

Yes. Yes, I did.

Embracing Plan B with such reckless abandon that others don’t even realize it’s Plan B is part of healing…

So, I will try to remember not to feel guilty about loving life despite…

In May, I wrote about embracing Plan B…

Accept, Redefine, Embrace . . .

While these three steps may appear linear (first, accept; second, redefine; third, embrace), they are actually quite fluid. In fact, the blogs I wrote during May took more of this path…

Redefine → Accept I’m Different → Redefine → Accept the Feelings → Embrace → Redefine → Accept the Wobble → Embrace…

Honestly, I think I will move back and forth through these steps for the rest of my life… And that’s okay.

In May, I published a special edition of “Our Stories,” in which 17 brave women discussed their thoughts on how to accept, redefine, embrace . . . It’s truly the most empowering blog I’ve ever had the honor of publishing. If you haven’t read it yet, I strongly encourage you to take a moment to do so now. Just click here…

My Favorite Snapshot…

Now, you might be wondering, “What the heck does all of this have to do with the photo you mentioned at the beginning of this blog, Brandi?!” Well, to me, this photo captures the essence of “accept, redefine, embrace . . .”

Capturing the Moment…

You see, my hubby and I were walking along this beautiful, peaceful trail. Part of the time, I had to look down because it had been raining, and I needed to keep my footing. But I also made sure to look ahead and to either side, as there was gorgeous vegetation all around. Truly, I didn’t want to miss anything.

We stopped for a moment, and I looked up. That’s when I saw it. This amazing, new view… I turned in a circle, looking skyward, and taking in this new perspective. Not wanting to forget this moment, I snapped a photo with my camera phone.

Then, we continued on… I had to look down occasionally, so as not to slip, and the views ahead and to the sides were easier to see while walking than the one above my head, but my perspective had changed because I knew what was above…

Sharing the Moment…

When looking through photos from our get-away, my hubby saw my favorite one and asked, “When did you take that?!” He thought it was incredible, but he hadn’t seen that view and wondered how he missed it. I explained that I had looked straight up…

Embracing Takes Effort…

And this took effort. I had to stop because I couldn’t keep walking and look straight up. So, I had to be willing to take a moment and just stand there, taking in all the feelings and sights and sounds. I had to be willing to look a different way. What surrounded me was lovely, but I was missing something even more beautiful by focusing only on what was visible right before my eyes. And when I changed where I was looking… Well, it’s not the easiest to stand on slippery ground, lean your head back, and look up. But the effort was worth it…

Where are you on the journey, fabulous one?

So, fabulous one, where are you on your journey? Do you need to stop a moment and sit with the feelings? Do you need to accept? Are you ready to redefine? Can you start to embrace?

Life really can be beautiful despite… But it takes some effort to see it…

Need help with changing your perspective? Save this image and make it the screensaver on your phone and/or computer so that you are reminded often to “Accept, Redefine, Embrace . . . “

If anything I wrote resonates with you, please tell us about it in the comments.

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Featured Photo: Taken by me, Brandi Lytle of Not So Mommy…, on my 42nd Birthday

2 comments

Sherry June 3, 2019 - 5:38 pm

I absolutely love the perspective of looking up. We get so focused on what’s ahead we forget everything else. Stopping……..letting the majestic beauty of nature and the Heavens envelope you……well that is just powerful. I will never forget your story. ?