SENSITIVE POST WITH A WOBBLE WARNING: In this post, I speak candidly about being middle-aged and worrying about the not-going-to-be-a-grandma years. I mention my grandmas, as well as Dane’s grandmas & great aunt. I mention Heaven. I discuss questioning our purpose as childless women. And I talk about “M” Day. I truly believe you’ll feel empowered by the end. But there might be some wobbles along the way…
Recently, I was planting in my front porch pots. Knowing that I would post pics of my finished product, I wanted to share the names of my plants. So, I looked at the tag and saw “Silver Queen.” Now, that is an awesome name! As I continued to plant, I thought about the fact that I just turned 45, about my birthday blog, about being committed to living my authentic life… And then I thought, “I want to become a Silver Queen.”
What do I mean by this? Well, here’s this childless woman’s perspective…
On Becoming a Silver Queen . . .
My hair is turning grey. Now, looking at my picture, people often disagree with this. Since I’m blond, my grey is not as noticeable. But when the light hits my hair just right, you can see it. In fact, I deleted one of the birthday pictures Dane took of me because it showed off my grey hair way too much!
But as I sat digging in the dirt, I decided that I’m not “turning grey.” Nope. I’m becoming silver. A Silver Queen, to be exact.
The Silver Queens in My Life…
And that got me to thinking about the Silver Queens in my life…
My Mamaw, my Nana, and my Grammy—I have realized—were the epitome of Silver Queens. So were Dane’s Memaw, Grandma Short, and Great Aunt Dot. These women were strong and loving, sassy and classy, gave great hugs, and had a way of making you smile. Though at this point, I’m smiling with tears in my eyes because all these Silver Queens are now in Heaven. But I digress…
These Silver Queens taught me a lot. And you know what? They had from zero to twelve kids. Yup. A Childless Silver Queen.
Silver Queen: Kids NOT Required…
You see, every woman can become a Silver Queen. Kids are not required. Deciding to live an authentic life—a purposeful life—that is all that’s required.
Oh, that’s it, Brandi?! Just decide to live a purposeful life and I’ll magically turn into a Silver Queen, huh?! Well, my life’s purpose was supposed to be being a mom. Since that’s not going to happen, what’s my purpose now?! How the heck am I supposed to live a “purposeful life?!”
So, I hear your frustration. Just stick with me for a moment…
Living a Purposeful Life . . .
For my 45th Birthday, my mom sent me a Gratitude Journal. (A Hello Kitty Gratitude Journal, to be exact.) On 14th April, I
started filling out this journal every day. The first prompt of each page is “Today my day will be” with a blank box below. During yoga, I have been working on setting intentions for my day. So, I give some consideration to the word I choose each day. So far, I have said that today will be “happy, joyful, relaxed, calm, joyous, productive, useful, helpful, gentle, loving, focused, kind, grace-filled, giving, and purposeful.”
Productive vs Purposeful
And that got me to thinking about productive versus purposeful. Which got me to thinking about the questions, “What is my purpose?” versus “What purpose does this serve?”
So, though I had originally considered saying today would be “productive,” I changed my mind. I didn’t want to feel like I had to be productive—like I had to be doing—all day long. This evening, I want to be able to rest in the snug. For dinner, I want to allow myself to make burritos even though we just had nachos a couple of days ago. I didn’t want the stress of being “productive.” So, I decided that today would be “purposeful” instead. That means…
Purposeful looks like…
I turned the alarm clock off and slept for another hour. The purpose: To allow myself to get much needed rest after working in the yard for three straight days.
I had two telephone conversations. The purpose: To show love to my friends, taking time to talk to them about important stuff going on in their lives.
I swept off the back patio. The purpose: To try and get rid of the whirly-jigs that get caught in Maddie’s fur and make her allergies even worse than they already are.
I am writing this blog. The purpose: To try and help other women who are too hard on themselves to realize that they are fabulous and incredible and amazing and deserve to give themselves love and grace and all the good things!
You see, if I had said today was going to be “productive,” I fear that I wouldn’t have allowed myself to sleep because that’s not being productive. I would have worried about the two phone calls, thinking I should have been doing something else. I’d probably have thought that sweeping the back patio only to have more whirly-jigs land on it less than 20 minutes later had been a waste of an hour. I might have even put off writing this blog because I felt I should post on social media first. Because writing this blog means my Facebook and Instagram posts will be late today.
But being “productive” wasn’t the goal. Doing things for a purpose was and is.
Having Purpose vs Being Purposeful
And I’m not stressing out about what’s my purpose? Because when I start dwelling on that question, I beat myself up for sleeping in. I question whether I’m a good enough friend, a good enough dog mom, whether sharing my story here at Not So Mommy… is really make a difference.
When I switch that, however, to “being purposeful…” Well, that allows me to give myself a bit of grace and focus on the good I’m doing in the moment just as I am.
Some Childless Thoughts on “M” Day…
So, as “M” Day approaches… They day on which we hear even more about how important moms are, how they have the “hardest job in the world,” how much purpose their lives hold… I want you to remember something, fabulous one…
You are important, too.
Accepting, embracing, redefining as a childless woman… Well, that’s a pretty darn hard job, too.
Your life has purpose, too! You might just have to turn it on end, considering a “purposeful life…”
And for those, like me, who are middle-aged and greying and starting to stress about the not-going-to-be-a-grandma years…
Remember that you aren’t turning grey.
You are becoming silver.
A Silver Queen with a Purposeful Life…
Hugs, fabulous ones. So many hugs…
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Featured Photo: Taken by me; Edited using Canva
4 comments
I refuse to say the G word, instead it’s my sparkle & my purpose is to sparkle in this world 🙂
And that is a beautiful purpose!
I like this. I’m a Silver Queen too! I’m not sure I’ve quite embraced the silver, but I’ve stopped hiding it. lol So maybe I was being purposeful in making that decision. Two years on, I’m very comfortable with it.
I like your argument for having an extra hour in bed. Self-care, and proper rest, are terribly important, and so often ignored.
Our Silver Queens are all smiling in Heaven. You have such a gift for putting your heart into words. ❤💚💜🧡💪