Wobble Warning: This post does talk about a struggle I had around “M” Day this year…
Not So Mommy… turns four-years-old today! It’s hard to believe that I’m entering my fifth year of blogging… Each year, when my blogiversary rolls around, I re-evaluate the work I’m doing here at Not So Mommy… I think about the upcoming year and the future plans & promises that I want to make to this community… To be honest, back in May, I wasn’t sure I was going to continue Not So Mommy… into year five. But I’ll share more about that in a bit. Before we talk about the future, let’s take a look back…
The Past & The Present . . .
As I went to take a look at stats, I realized that I didn’t update them last year. It’s no wonder, seeing how everyone had so much more on their minds in 2020 than how many Facebook followers they had gained. Now, you might be thinking 2021 has been pretty heavy, too. But since I’ve been struggling a bit, I wanted to make sure Not So Mommy… is still reaching people, that it is still fulfilling its purpose… That I am still fulfilling my purpose.
The Stats…
And here’s what the numbers say…
Since August 2019, Not So Mommy… Facebook has gained about 1,000 followers, Instagram over 1,400, Pinterest over 400, and Twitter just under 300. Nearly 850 more people have signed up to receive the Newsletter over the past two years. I’ve written over 100 blogs in that time and almost 500 comments have been added to the blog.
Wow. Those numbers are humbling and powerful all at once.
So, why would I even consider not continuing here at Not So Mommy… when the stats seem to make it quite clear that it is needed? Well, let’s go back to May 2021 for just a moment…
May 2021…
If you’ve been a part of this community for a while, then you know that every May, I try to offer extra support since that month can be so triggering for we childless not by choice. I post more on social media, write extra blogs, and send out a special newsletter the weekend of “M” Day. Now, on the actual day, I avoid social media and do not check my website nor my email. I mean, I, too, am trying to make it through what has the potential to be the toughest day of the year for we childless women with as much joy as possible. And this year… Well, this year, I did it. It was a beautiful Sunday spent with my non-traditional little family.
The Monday after “M” Day…
The Monday after “M” Day, feeling grateful that I made it through without a wobble, I sat down to check the Not So Mommy… site, email, and social media. And that’s when the wobble hit. And it hit hard.
Over the weekend, I received comments and emails from four different childless women who were upset with me and my message at Not So Mommy… Because I said we childless “love with a mom heart,” I was accused of idealizing motherhood. Because I have a photo of me with my exchange daughter, Bruna, I was berated for lying, being told that I am not childless. One lady even put her email address as “donotemail@no.com.”
I was crushed. And I questioned if I should be sharing my story within the childless community.
Should I quit sharing?
Now, during my time blogging, I have received numerous beautiful comments and emails from fabulous ones within the Not So Mommy… community. The support shown me over the past four years… Well, it has been incredible. So, why would I let the opinions of just four cause me to question the future of Not So Mommy… so much that I considered quitting all together? Well, two reasons.
My Work Love Language…
One, my work love language is words of affirmation. Truly, my biggest motivation to do an excellent job is the belief that I am doing more, that I am helping, that I am making a difference. And the fact that I put in extra effort during May only to be told that those efforts weren’t helpful. Well, it was deflating, to say the least.
HSP…
Two, I have recently learned that I am a *highly sensitive person (HSP). According to Jenn Granneman of Highly Sensitive Refuge, “Words really matter to HSPs. Positive words can make them soar, but harsh words will send them crashing to the ground. Criticism can feel like a dagger…” (Read 21 Signs You’re a Highly Sensitive Person here.)
Knowing these facts about myself is helpful. I try to remind myself that the criticisms… Well, they are simply an opinion. As are the compliments, too. And though intellectually, I fully understand this, it takes great effort to not allow the negative comments to cause me to wobble, to send me into a grief attack, back to the pit where I spent so much time during our infertility battle.
So, should I quit…
And that is why these thoughts flew through my mind…
“I’m done. I’m not putting myself out there and working to offer extra support only to be told that I’m a horrible person. No, I’m not doing it!”
But as May turned into June and July and August, fabulous ones stepped up and reminded me that telling my story matters. That I am sharing my childless journey from my perspective. And though I am helping, it is not my job to help everyone. (Which is why I have 95+ resources linked at Not So Mommy… Because I know my perspective won’t resonate with all.)
And so, Not So Mommy… will continue for at least another year. But the future holds a few changes…
Some Changes…
You might have noticed that I haven’t been on social media as much since May. I’ve always promised to post at least once a day. But lately, I’ve been sporadic, posting two to five times per week. Over the past couple years, I’ve always published my weekly blog on Mondays at 4 AM Eastern. But over the past few months, blogs have been posted late, on a different day, or even not at all. And the Newsletter, which has always been in your in-box the last Saturday of every month. Well, the July Newsletter was sent a week late—the first weekend of August, in fact.
Breaking Promises…
Why has this been happening? If I promised to post on social media daily, to publish a blog each Monday, to send the Newsletter the last Saturday of the month… Then, why am I not keeping these promises?
Well, let’s go back to May…
After recovering from the day after “M” Day wobble, I began to prepare to head back to Oklahoma. Our oldest niece was graduating high school, plus my nephew-by-friendship was getting married. Excited and nervous about these momentous occasions, there was much to do in order for me to be gone for ten days. While in Oklahoma, my Nana became very ill. She passed away on June 1st, the day I returned to South Carolina.
Over the past couple months, I’ve not only been processing the grief of losing my Nana, but I’ve also been dealing with resurfacing grief… Grief over losing my best friend nearly three years ago, grief over losing my Daddy 20 years ago (that anniversary occurred in May, too), grief over our infertility & childlessness (as I go through memory boxes because my Nana’s passing has made me acutely aware of my mortality and my future of aging without children has been forefront of my mind…)
Giving Grace…
As an HSP who thinks profoundly and strives to answer the big questions, all of this has been a bit exhausting… And so, I am diligently trying to give myself much grace.
And so, I decided not to beat myself up over the fact that I wasn’t posting on social media daily. I decided to allow myself to skip a blog, to send the Newsletter late, to break some promises because life circumstances made adjusting necessary.
The Future . . .
So, what does the future hold for Not So Mommy…? Well, I’m not going to make any promises. But I will tell you what my plan is for this next year…
The Plan…
I plan to post on social media at least three times per week. I might post more…
I plan to blog at least twice a month, publishing on Mondays. I might blog more…
I plan to send the Newsletter out quarterly—the last Saturday in February, May, August, and November. I might send out more…
And I plan to wrap up the “Our Stories” section of the blogsite. So, if you want to share your story here at Not So Mommy…, then please email your story to me no later than December 2021, as I will not be accepting any new stories next year (in 2022).
And More…
As for my future . . . I want to continue to be an advocate for the childless not by choice community. I want to continue to make connections with fabulous CNBC warriors. But I also want to allow myself space to continue grieving, to figure out how to be an aunt to growing nieces & nephews, to support my husband with his goals and dreams…
I am childless not by choice. I am Not So Mommy… I am a wife, dog mom, aunt, host mom. But most of all, I am Brandi. A complex, deeply feeling, intensely emotional woman. A woman who wants to stay open to the journey. A woman who wants to leave space for what the “. . .” holds~~~
Click to learn more…
At the end of each blog, I ask if you would be willing to donate to Not So Mommy… Though I am not money-motivated, there are expenses that come along with maintaining this blog. And many of those expenses come due this month, as August is when I began Not So Mommy… So, if you appreciate the work I’m doing here, I would be ever so grateful if you would make a monetary donation. No amount is too small. All donations are helpful and appreciated! CLICK HERE TO DONATE…
If anything I wrote resonates with you, fabulous one, tell us about it in the comments…
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*The term “highly sensitive person” was coined by Dr. Elaine Aron in the 1990s. To learn more about Dr. Aron and her work, visit hsperson.com
Featured Photo: Created by me, using Canva
2 comments
Your work is both exhausting and energizing; full of highs and lows; touched by personal and professional details. Being able to forge ahead another year is a huge undertaking. I, for one, am blessed to be a follower.❤💚💜 I’ll be ever present wherever life takes you.
Thank you for your unwavering support! Love & Hugs…