SENSITIVE POST WITH POSSIBLE TRIGGERS: Real, honest, raw talk about my reaction to being misunderstood by a fellow childless; includes mention of Christmas, Jesus, and “childless” versus “childfree”
To start off 2021, we’ve talked about “scribbling outside the lines,” making your own rules, creating your own life… (You can read more about that in “Let’s scribble outside the lines” and “What should life be like?”) I don’t know about you, but these posts left me feeling stronger, more empowered, more confident in my choices. But inevitably, it seems once I’ve found my footing, WHAM! Something (or someone) comes along to knock me off-balance. These wobbles are even more surprising when caused by being misunderstood by someone within our childless community…
At the end of 2020…
Remember the trigger warning…
Despite the fact that I truly do love the Christmas Season, the celebrations around the date of the actual holiday are often a struggle for me. In fact, this is the first year in quite a few years that I did not shed tears on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. I was relieved (and a bit proud) that I made it through without a significant wobble.
And then…
Misunderstood by a fellow childless…
On 27 December, I was scrolling through my personal Facebook and came across the “Jesus was childless, too” post I had shared via Not So Mommy… I noticed there were some comments, so I decided to read them. One Not So Mommy… community member did not agree with my statement. Her tone was clipped, dismissive, bordering on rude. In fact, it was the same dismissive tone I’ve received from others with regards to my infertility and childlessness. This caused me to feel (and I’m beginning to feel again as I type about this) the physical sensations that accompany a wobble—my heart begins to beat harder and louder, so loud that I can hear it in my ears, my hands shake, my anxiety goes through the roof… What was this comment that caused such an intense reaction in me?
Well, here’s what she said…
The initial comment…
“I don’t think he was ; if he existed. Didn’t realize this was a religious page.”
Now, you might be thinking, “That’s not so bad. You are overreacting, Brandi.” Well, you must remember… It was just two days after Christmas when I read these words. My emotions are always heightened at that time of year. Plus, I’ve dealt with some fairly harsh criticism about my blog in the past, being misunderstood on more than one ocassion. So, sometimes it doesn’t take much to cause my emotions to rise.
My response…
I responded…
I am a Christian. Sharing my beliefs about God and Jesus is part of my truth, so I speak openly and boldly about that, as well as my infertility and childlessness. I am grateful that all within this community have been very respectful, even those who many not believe exactly as I do.
And I ended my comment with a green heart and a red heart.
I scrolled through Facebook a bit more, willing myself to calm down. And I did. My heart rate slowed, my anxiety lowered… Though any attack like this causes my endometriosis to flare and I feel the effects for days, if not weeks. (Cue lower back pain…)
Her response…
Later that day, I was once again checking Facebook and I noticed that this person had responded to my comment. Immediately, my anxiety raised. But I took a breath and clicked over to read what she had to say…
This time her tone didn’t border on rude. It was rude, angry. Paraphrasing, she informed me that she had left the Not So Mommy… Facebook page, that she is a Pagan, that I should not push my beliefs on others, and that if I replied to her, she would block me.
I respected her wishes and did not respond to her. Not because I was worried about her blocking me. I just knew that it didn’t matter what I said. I would be misunderstood, as she was not open to hearing my perspective.
Another comment…
I thought that was the end of it. But as I checked more Not So Mommy… notifications, I realized that she had commented on the pinned post, “The Bright Side of Infertility.” She didn’t like that post either, stating, “So, now you’ve changed your page to ‘child free’?” (I found this statement odd, as I wrote “The Bright Side of Infertility” in October 2017 and it has always been the pinned post at Not So Mommy… Facebook.)
You know, though I don’t expect everyone to agree with everything I write, believing respectful discussions of varying perspectives are healthy and needed, the dismissive and rude comments—especially from those within the childless community—hurt. In my humble opinion, being misunderstood by a fellow childless stings even more.
My response…
I did not respond to this comment. Instead, I actually decided to delete her Facebook comments from both posts.
My reasoning?
For one, I do not appreciate it when others use the term “childless” with a negative connotation. Because of that, I try very hard not to use the term “childfree” in a negative way, either. In fact, I was originally hesitant to share “Jesus was childless, too” (which I wrote in December 2017) because last year, a childfree person misunderstood my statement about being “childless, not childfree.” (You can read more about that here.) At the beginning of 2020, I decided to leave that phrase, as I believe it describes who I am. The terms “childless” and “childfree” are evolving, however, with a segment within our community identifying as “childfree after infertility.” So, this year, I actually decided to simply change my wording to “childless” and leave out the “not childfree” portion. And now, someone was mad at me about that…
And secondly, my decision follows the Not So Mommy… Comments Policy, which states, “Remember that just because you don’t agree with something (or someone) doesn’t mean you need to tell everyone about it.” (You can read the full Comments Policy here.)
Being misunderstood hurts…
Now, as I’ve already stated, being misunderstood by this person hurt. And I’ve spent more time thinking about her words than I really should have. (Hence, writing this blog.) But as I’ve said numerous times, writing is cathartic to me. It helps me process through complex emotions, which helps me manage the wobbles. After a bit of contemplation, I realized…
Grief, Anger, Sadness…
This childless warrior who spoke rudely to me… Well, she must be in the depths of her grief. In my humble opinion, she’d rather be mad than sad. And I say this because I know that feeling of preferring to be a witch rather than allowing the tears to flow. Because once the tears start, you fear they may never stop. She’s not ready to consider the bright sides of a childless life. And perhaps she lashed out at me because she felt safe enough to do so. Perhaps she wants to say things to friends and family members and work colleagues, but she can’t. So, within the safe confines of a childless Facebook page, she decided to say how she felt, she decided let some of her anger loose.
Community, Resources, Support…
Now, if I’m honest, I can’t say I’m really glad that she did this. I mean, she caused me some anxiety! (Though I didn’t cry. Thank goodness!) I am disheartened that she left the Not So Mommy… community because I truly believe she needs the love, encouragement, and support that our fabulous tribe has to offer. Hopefully, she will find what she needs elsewhere…
After all, I am 100% aware that not everything I write will resonate with everyone within the childless community. I mean, we each have our own unique journey… That’s one big reason I have 85+ resources linked here at Not So Mommy… (You can explore the Resources here.)
I simply ask that as we navigate this complex journey, let’s please remember to be kind. We are all survivors, after all. Each of us has scars and hidden pain. Each of us is walking an uneven and winding path, trying not to wobble…
I love you, fabulous ones. Thank you for taking the time to read my words, for taking the time to listen to my heart…
Have you been misunderstood, fabulous one? Tell us about it in the comments. (You can simply use an initial rather than your name, if you wish to remain anonymous.)
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Featured Photo: Created by me, using Canva
4 comments
This is a lovely post, Brandi. Because it also immediately went through my mind that she was hurting badly to react this way. (I’ve also had the occasional person react badly to whenever I mention the gifts or advantages of this life – but I know they’re in the stamping-feet denial stage of living their lives without children, refusing to accept that our lives can still be great.)
Also, as to the religious comment, I think that we all write from our own perspectives. I’ve never felt that you have pushed your beliefs here, but have simply written from the way you see the world, in exactly the same way that I do, that other Not Mommy/ No Kidding bloggers do. We are all different, and there is at least one I know who is pagan, so I hope she will find somewhere she feels comfortable.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Mali. I truly appreciate that you mentioned not feeling that I “push my beliefs.” I want to write authentically, yet compassionately (as I realize all do not believe as I do). I very much appreciate your validation.
Like you, I hope this hurting warrior will find someplace she feels comfortable so that she can get the support she needs to move forward…
I think there are tons of people on the internet who misunderstand that people blog and post because they want to, not because they are some sort of public service employees obligated to create content for a particular community. I know you are very thoughtful about what you post and I highly respect that you spend time helping others because you want to. Being misunderstood definitely hurts, but I think you are spot on to assume that the angry woman is in an ugly place right now. Thank you for all you do.
Thank you for your kind words, Anne. It is validating to know that I am respected by fabulous ones, like you. Truly, my goal is always to help, and I appreciate that you realize that. I know many others within our fabulous community do, as well. Hugs, fellow warrior…