Thoughts on “Living the Life Unexpected,” Jody Day’s New 2020 Edition

In October 2019, Jody Day, founder of Gateway Women, contacted me.  She was working on the final touches to the new, revised edition of her book, Living the Life Unexpected: How to find hope, meaning, and a fulfilling future without children.  She wanted to know if I’d write a short endorsement for the book.

Familiar with Jody’s work, I was absolutely honored that she asked!  There was just one problem…  I had never read Jody’s book.  She had included a PDF version of the original 2013 edition, so I started reading.  Not one chapter in, I knew I wanted to not only write an endorsement for Living the Life Unexpected (there are 50 included on the front and back covers of the new edition—wow!), but also a full review here at Not So Mommy…

And though I began this review last October, I knew I’d want to publish it in 2020.  (This worked out perfectly since Jody asked if I’d take place in the blog tour!)  I think this is going to be a big year for we childless!  And I think resources like Jody’s book will help as we continue to move forward, as we continue to redefine…

Thoughts on Living the Life Unexpected . . .

First, this is NOT a sponsored post.  I did receive free PDFs of both old and new editions of “Living the Life Unexpected,” but I was not paid to write this blog post.  I was invited to take part in the Blog Tour, though.  If you purchase a copy of Jody’s book via an Amazon link on my site, I will not receive a small commission from qualifying purchases, as I am an Amazon Associate.  (Info about the blog tour, purchasing Jody’s new edition, and how to win a FREE, signed copy of her new book is at the end of this blog post!)

Now for my thoughts on the NEW edition of Living the Life Unexpected…

The Healing Inventory…

So, let’s talk about Living the Life Unexpected…

After some praise (mine is at the end on page 402 of the new edition—exciting!), an introduction, and some suggestions about how to use the book, Jody requests that readers complete a “Plan B: Healing Inventory.”  Though I am several years into accepting my childless life, I looked through the 40 statements and rated myself on a 0-10 scale, as Jody suggests.

What I found interesting about this exercise is, despite that I truly believe I am embracing my childless life, I only scored myself “10” on eleven of the forty statements (or about 28%).  Even more interesting…  I gave myself a “0” on two of them.

Now, one of the zeros, I can explain—our home was FULL of clutter in October 2019 because we were in the midst of a HUGE remodel.  I’m extremely happy to say that now, we are clutter-free and ranking a “10!”

But the other zero…  Well, that’s not likely to change anytime soon.  You see, I don’t hold babies.  I just won’t.  This might change as my nieces and nephews get older, if they have littles of their own.  But right now…  No, thank you.  I do NOT want to hold your baby.

But this does NOT mean that I haven’t accepted being childless.  I just know my limits.  So, I don’t believe it’s necessary to get a “10” on all forty statements to show that you have accepted being childless and are moving forward with Plan B.  (To clarify, Jody never said you had to score a “10” on all of them either.  I just thought it might be helpful to give a bit of insight about my “healing inventory.”)

Our Stories…

After the “Healing Inventory,” Jody gives a brief overview of the book’s structure and talks a bit about terminology.  Then, it’s time for Chapter 1, “The Power of Our Stories.”  Jody often discusses the fact that there are many ways not to be a mother.  In chapter 1, she lists 50 of them.  As I read, I jotted down the numbers that applied to my story.  Though I often give the short answer that we are “childless due to infertility,” my husband and my journey is actually much more complex.  In fact, eleven of the 50 paths to childlessness that Jody mentions apply to my hubby and me.

Only a few pages in, I realized that even if you have accepted (even embraced) a childless life, Living the Life Unexpected allows one to further reflect on her story, her journey, her Plan B…

A Worldwide Community & Reflections…

As I continued to read, I learned that Living the Life Unexpected includes thoughts and feelings from childless women around the world.  Also, each chapter ends with both “Exercises” and “Reflections,” which allow the reader to explore her story in an effort to help find (and/or reflect on) Plan B.  I particularly liked the exercise at the end of Chapter 3, which I believe offers a way to begin figuring out how to “redefine,” which I talk about often here at Not So Mommy…

A Scholarly Discussion…

Living the Life Unexpected is often quite scholarly.  In fact, there were sections where I felt as if I was reading a journal article from my college days!  Statistics from around the world, discussing cultural contexts, women in education and the workforce, as well as “messages and choices,” Jody uses intellectual language to explore deep, intense issues, while sharing honest, thought-provoking insights.  (The new edition has “fully revised and checked statistics, references and links (around 300 of them!),” Jody told me.)

Family…

While Jody talks a lot about “societal norms” and breaking non-truths, I found it interesting that she utilizes the phrase “having a family” in its most traditional sense.  Personally, I believe we need to break the non-truth that you must have kids to “have a family.”  In my opinion, there are many ways to have a family, and I think we childless should be the first to help broaden the definition of this term.  (I actually wrote a blog about this.  You can read it here.)

Taboo Subjects, Triggers, & Grief…

Despite her traditional use of the term “family,” Jody does not shy away from talking about non-traditional, and even taboo, subjects.  Being childless and single, ageing without children, and disenfranchised grief are just a few of the topics covered in Living the Life Unexpected.

Because such topics are discussed, there are triggers throughout the book.  Triggers are not automatically bad, however.  (Read more of my thoughts about triggers here.)  Like Jody says, “Grief is good.”  (I encourage you to read the book to figure out what she means by that!)

Living the Life Unexpected talks about many different types of grief, including grieving as a single person, grieving as a couple, complicated grief, grandchildren grief, and more.  (Truly, there is a TON about grief in Jody’s new edition.)

Childlessness After…

Back to “taboo” subjects…  Jody talks in some detail about childlessness after abortion.  If I’m completely honest, I wasn’t excited about reading these pages.  As a woman who has been ridiculed about my childlessness, being told to “accept my infertility like an adult,” by someone who had an abortion, this topic triggers me to my core.  But I kept reading…

Tears sprang to my eyes, my heart softened a bit, and my anger turned towards empathy.  Jody gave me a different perspective.  And I thank her for that.  If she wasn’t willing to bravely share her truth about this difficult subject, I would not have been able to view it in a different light…

More Taboo Subjects…

Other “taboo” subjects…

Jody talks candidly about the “do you have kids” question, about how one’s own family responds to childlessness, how society and the work environment react to childless women, etc.  Her insights made me feel less alone, having many “me too” moments as I read…

This made me think of Kate Kaufmann’s book, Do You Have Kids? Life When the Answer is No, as well as my series, Not So Helpful: Things You Shouldn’t Say to the Childless.  (You can read my thoughts on Kate’s book here and my Not So Helpful Series here.)

More on Grief…

Jody gives some phenomenal information and insight about grief.  So, it might sound odd that my least favorite section of the book is the “Stages of Grief.”  I suppose this is for two reasons…

One, grief is not linear.  Though Jody does discuss this, I worry that listing five “stages” in sequential order leads us into a false sense that we move through these steps one by one until we are “over” our grief.  And this is simply not true.

Two, I really did not care for the section on “bargaining,” the “third stage” of grief.  I believe this is because several of the behaviors that Jody listed as “bargaining,” (a stage in which you have not fully accepted your childlessness) are things that I, and other childless women I know, do.  And these are women that I know for certain are far along on their journeys, accepting their childlessness, and finding their Plan Bs.

I suppose I mention this to say that we each have our own unique perspective and path through grief.  When looking for resources to help you through your childless grief, remember that no one—not Jody Day, not me, not anyone—knows you and your journey more than yourself.  Read, research, reach out…  But most of all—listen to your heart and do what you need to do in order to heal and move forward with what is…

Compelling, Unapologetic Language…

My favorite thing about Living the Life Unexpected…  The compelling, unapologetic language that Jody uses.  She challenges societal “norms,” shows how to change stereotypes such as “crazy cat lady” (or “crazy dog lady,” in my case) into positive, powerful roles, and demonstrates throughout the book how important the words we use really are.  Though I do not agree with every assertion Jody makes, her insights made me think, ponder, consider…

To name something is a powerful thing.  It creates a reality.  It owns it.”  -Jody Day, author of “Living the Life Unexpected”

*I wrote a blog about the power of words.  You can read it here.

*I also wrote a blog about embracing my role as a “Crazy Dog Lady.”  You can read it here.

One Final Thought…

In Living the Life Unexpected, Jody discusses childlessness due to medical infertility, social infertility, becoming childless by circumstance, and other routes to involuntary childlessness.  Thus, no matter the path that brought you to living a childless life, Living the Life Unexpected is an excellent resource to add to your collection as you continue to heal, continue to discover your Plan B…

Want to receive a FREE copy of Living the Life Unexpected?!?!

Jody has kindly offered to give a FREE, signed copy of the new edition of her book to a Not So Mommy… community member!  Yay!

How do you enter the drawing for Jody’s FREE, signed book?!  Well, just comment on this blog post no later than Sunday, 22 March 2020.  (Yup.  It’s that simple.  And you don’t have to live in the US!  This contest is open to our entire global community!)  On Monday the 23^rd, I’ll draw a winner at random and contact the lucky person via email.

Good luck, fabulous ones!  And happy commenting!

For the Not So Mommy… Comments Policy, just click here…

*Note: “Living the Life Unexpected” does contain some cuss words.  They are not used often, nor in a vulgar way.  But they are scattered (sparsely) throughout the book. 

Want to check out more blogs on the Living the Life Unexpected tour?!

For links to 24 more blogs that talk about Jody’s new edition (and more chances to win a FREE copy of her new book), just click here!

Want to pre-order Living the Life Unexpected?!

• If you live in the UK, click here.
• For those in the rest of the world, click here.

*If you’d like to preview Jody’s book, download a free sampler here.

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Featured Photo: Created by me, using Canva