The Infertility Conversation: Should you talk before marriage?

by Brandi Lytle
Photo of a newlywed couple holding hands on The Infertility Conversation: Should you talk before marriage Infertility and Wife & Home Blog on Not So Mommy

Recently, I came across an article discussing weird topics couples should discuss before marriage.  While there are some R-rated topics on the list and I do not agree with everything suggested, I did find much of what was mentioned intriguing and I’m usually for talk before marriage …

As I started reading, the first topic–how early to arrive at the airport–made me smile.  How many arguments could we have avoided if we’d discussed how early we should arrive at the airport?!  I’m of the opinion, the earlier the better.  I absolutely hate to feel rushed and get very nervous if I think we are going to miss our plane.  My hubby, on the other hand, gets very restless and does not want to arrive more than a few minutes before we board.  Oh, the struggles…

Another suggested discussion–the temperature.  We could have prevented some silent fights by talking about this one.  He would turn down the thermostat; I would turn it back up…  But I might not have married my hubby if I’d have known how cold he was going to keep the house!

Topic 9, however, was the one that really caught my focus—how to handle fertility issues.  Honestly, infertility never even crossed our minds before we got married.  We talked about the fact that we both wanted kids, how many kids, what we would name the kids…  But we never talked about what we would do if we couldn’t have kids.

Honestly, I’m kind of glad we didn’t talk before marriage about infertility.  At ages 21 & 23, how could we have possibly known what we would do if we had infertility struggles?  It’s easy enough in the hypothetical to say you would do IVF or “just adopt.”  But you have no idea what that means.

You have no idea that infertility treatments are not just expensive, but require a commitment to put your body, your hormones, your emotional sanity through more than anyone can imagine.

You have no idea that to “just adopt” requires not only a huge amount of money but also a tremendous amount of emotional strength and most likely years before you get a baby (if you ever get a baby).

To me, it seems unfair to ask a couple who is just beginning their relationship what they would do if they had infertility struggles.  Even if you have the discussion, once you are in the midst of the battle, you may change your mind.  You can’t possibly understand until you are in the middle of it.  And even then, it is difficult to understand…

So, talk about how many kids you want, discuss whether you are going to arrive at the airport two hours or thirty minutes early, and, by all means, agree on the temperature the thermostat should be set.  But infertility?  Leave it in God’s hands.  It is too big of an issue to try to tackle.  Plus, why worry about it if you don’t have to?

Oh.  One more thing I would add to the list…  Are beans and cornbread a winter food or can they be eaten year-round?


Read more about our infertility struggle…

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m September 11, 2017 - 2:27 pm

I still like winter foods in the summer months. Soups, chili, beans. If it can go in the crockpot – it’s a summer food too! Hahah!! My husband and I had talks and counseling before we were married. But I agree with Sherry, it is give and take. And from my reading the bible, there is a certain …way I am to “surrender”.?? I had a really hard time typing that! Hahah!! Now…that part is hard. To let it go. On the big stuff, we go round and round, but the little stuff…it is little, but it’s also fun to annoy them. Why else did I get married?! 🙂

Brandi Lytle September 11, 2017 - 5:27 pm

Ah, yes, the “surrender” and the “obey.” Ugh! But it is give and take and you are right, the little stuff is just that–little. Now as far as annoying them….. 😉 I think Dane & I both do plenty of that! LOL

Sherry Stout September 9, 2017 - 11:10 am

Brands and cornbread year round! I enjoyed your blog about discussions before marriage and yes many arguments could be avoided by that pre marriage talk. Just knowing what your significant other’s preferences are is a huge plus. It’s always give and take, but it sure helps to know how much give is involved. ?

Brandi Lytle September 11, 2017 - 9:38 am

Dane thinks beans & cornbread year round as well, but I’m on the “it’s a winter food” side. 🙂


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