I have grieved the baby I cannot have. I have mourned and cried and felt the extreme heaviness in my chest as my heart broke into a million pieces. I have panicked, unable to breathe, as I pictured our life without children. Our daughter preoccupied my every thought.
When we were going through infertility treatments, I would place my hand over my belly and love the baby that I hoped was there. I remember standing in Church, singing and praising God, begging him to allow me to be pregnant… When I found out I wasn’t, I would grieve the baby that I lost—the baby that never was.
Even when we weren’t going through treatments, my mind would play tricks on me. I would get nauseous and convince myself that this month, I was pregnant….
For ten years, I made decisions based on the fact that I might be pregnant. I didn’t eat hotdogs or get in a hot tub or go tanning. When we took our oldest niece to a theme park for her special days with us, I didn’t ride any of the rides because I might be pregnant. I drank no caffeine. Not one sip of alcohol. I so desperately wanted to be pregnant. But I never was.
And so, I grieved. For years….
Thanks to some tough love from my husband and grace from the Lord, I am no longer in that sorrowful place. My sadness no longer overwhelms me and my heart no longer aches. I have embraced my life and I love it.
Does that mean I am “over” not being able to have a baby? No. Just as I will never be “over” losing other loved ones, I will never fully be “over” not being able to have a child.
But I have learned to move on. I learned to embrace life without them and focus on my blessings. I choose joy and I thank God for what He has given me.
I Praise God for this life—my life. I have a loving husband, beautiful nieces and a handsome nephew, an adorable fur baby, and an amazing exchange daughter who has become family.
I still don’t fully understand the journey God took me on (and is still taking me on). Why did He put this desire in my heart for a baby if He wasn’t going to give me one? I do not know the answer to that. But I do know that He is in control.
So, I no longer beg God to allow me to get pregnant. Instead, I pray that I will continue to enjoy this life and these circumstances.
I am not perfect, but I so hope that I can help others going through their own struggle find their joy….
Click here to read more about my Infertility Journey…
World Childless Week – Sept 11-17, 2017
Recently, an announcement for World Childless Week came across my newsfeed. Being an infertile woman, I want to connect with other people who understand what it feels like to be childless. Because WCW’s goal is to increase awareness and understanding about childless not by choice, I liked their page in order to become a part of the WCW community. When Stephanie Phillips, the woman who started the WCW movement, asked me to write a guest blog for World Childless Week, I eagerly accepted. My hope with Not So Mommy…™ is to inspire others to be their authentic selves by telling my infertility story. WCW has a similar goal and I am so excited to be a part of this group! Please, check out their Facebook page at World Childless Week and join the childless not by choice conversation!
Photo Credit: Lisa Schneider with Freerange
