Infertility: Finding Joy after Grief

by Brandi Lytle
Photo of bleeding hearts flower on Infertility: Finding Joy after Grief Infertility Blog on Not So Mommy

I have grieved the baby I cannot have.  I have mourned and cried and felt the extreme heaviness in my chest as my heart broke into a million pieces.  I have panicked, unable to breathe, as I pictured our life without children.  Our daughter preoccupied my every thought.

When we were going through infertility treatments, I would place my hand over my belly and love the baby that I hoped was there.  I remember standing in Church, singing and praising God, begging him to allow me to be pregnant…  When I found out I wasn’t, I would grieve the baby that I lost—the baby that never was.

Even when we weren’t going through treatments, my mind would play tricks on me.  I would get nauseous and convince myself that this month, I was pregnant….

For ten years, I made decisions based on the fact that I might be pregnant.  I didn’t eat hotdogs or get in a hot tub or go tanning.  When we took our oldest niece to a theme park for her special days with us, I didn’t ride any of the rides because I might be pregnant.  I drank no caffeine.  Not one sip of alcohol.  I so desperately wanted to be pregnant.  But I never was.

And so, I grieved.  For years….

Thanks to some tough love from my husband and grace from the Lord, I am no longer in that sorrowful place.  My sadness no longer overwhelms me and my heart no longer aches.  I have embraced my life and I love it.

Does that mean I am “over” not being able to have a baby? No.  Just as I will never be “over” losing other loved ones, I will never fully be “over” not being able to have a child.

But I have learned to move on.  I learned to embrace life without them and focus on my blessings.  I choose joy and I thank God for what He has given me.

I Praise God for this life—my life.  I have a loving husband, beautiful nieces and a handsome nephew, an adorable fur baby, and an amazing exchange daughter who has become family.

I still don’t fully understand the journey God took me on (and is still taking me on).  Why did He put this desire in my heart for a baby if He wasn’t going to give me one?  I do not know the answer to that.  But I do know that He is in control.

So, I no longer beg God to allow me to get pregnant.  Instead, I pray that I will continue to enjoy this life and these circumstances.

I am not perfect, but I so hope that I can help others going through their own struggle find their joy….

Click here to read more about my Infertility Journey…

World Childless Week – Sept 11-17, 2017

Recently, an announcement for World Childless Week came across my newsfeed.  Being an infertile woman, I want to connect with other people who understand what it feels like to be childless.  Because WCW’s goal is to increase awareness and understanding about childless not by choice, I liked their page in order to become a part of the WCW community.  When Stephanie Phillips, the woman who started the WCW movement, asked me to write a guest blog for World Childless Week, I eagerly accepted.  My hope with Not So Mommy…™ is to inspire others to be their authentic selves by telling my infertility story.  WCW has a similar goal and I am so excited to be a part of this group!  Please, check out their Facebook page at World Childless Week and join the childless not by choice conversation!

Photo Credit:  Lisa Schneider with Freerange





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