Grief is chronic.

SENSITIVE POST WITH A WOBBLE WARNING: We are talking very candidly about grief today. As is typical, my goal is to leave you feeling empowered by the end, with specific strategies to manage grief. But there might be some wobbles along the way…

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Grief is chronic.

Well, that seems a bit depressing, Brandi. I thought we were supposed to look at things with a different perspective, embrace, redefine, find the bright sides…

I genuinely want us to do all of that. But I think before we can change perspective, embrace, redefine, find joy despite… Before that, we must accept grief as an integral part of who we are, an integral part of our journey, an integral part of our healing…

I was making a social media post…

I was making a social media post. I wrote…

Recently, I have been struggling with grief. Layers of grief, actually. New layers of learning to live on this Earth without any grandparents. Continuing to process by best friend being gone. Grappling with my Daddy having passed over 20 years ago. And navigating the ongoing wobbles that come every May as a childless woman, despite being on this infertility/childless journey for nearly 20 years…

But I’m learning that it really doesn’t matter how much time has passed. Because grieving is a lifelong journey.

And it dawned on me…

And in that moment, it dawned on me…

Grief, like endometriosis, is chronic. It can be managed. But it is not something that can be cured.

Once we accept this… Once we realize that we must learn–in fact, embrace–ways to manage our grief… Well, I believe that’s when we are finally able to begin finding joy despite…

But let’s go back to that “grief is chronic” assertion. Because you might still be thinking that sounds quite bleak…

A Childless Woman’s Thoughts on “Grief is chronic.”

For me, the realization that grief is chronic actually brings some relief. You see, since grief isn’t something to be cured, then there is nothing wrong with the fact that I can’t seem to “get over” my losses. There is nothing wrong with the fact that occasionally, my grief (like my endometriosis) flares. And there is power in understanding that grief is a part of me. Just like infertility is a part of me. Just like endometriosis is a part of me. Just like childlessness is a part of me.

In fact, all of these—infertility, endometriosis, childlessness, and grief… All of these are chronic.

But they are not terminal.

Just as I have developed strategies to manage endometriosis, we can learn strategies to manage grief.

What are these strategies, you might be wondering?

Well, just as there is no “one-size-fits-all” management plan for endo warriors, there is no “just-follow-this-plan” for grief warriors, either. But I do have some suggestions…

Suggestions for Managing Chronic Grief…

Suggestion #1: Accept that grief is part of your story.

First, I truly believe that we must accept (dare I say, embrace) that grief is a part of our story. And that means working through the emotions to discover if the anger, sadness, jealousy, bitterness, hatred, despair, brokenness is, in fact, grief. Because once we identify which emotions are related to grief, then we can better develop strategies to manage those specific grief emotions.

Suggestion #2: Discover strategies to help manage your grief.

I have written about grief a lot here at Not So Mommy… And I have shared how I manage my grief. In fact, if you search “grief,” you will find pages and pages of blogs–from the archives–about this topic.

Rather than outlining strategies in this blog (as we are all at different stages of grief), I’m going to direct you to some resources here at Not So Mommy…

Resource #1: “Finding PEACE” – A Blog Series

At the end of 2019, I wrote about finding PEACE in childlessness. To read the round-up and find links to the four steps I outline, just click here…

Resource #2: “Through the Ups & Downs” – A More To Life Webinar

Also in 2019, I co-presented a More To Life Webinar about grief. To watch the webinar and read the blog with links to 40+ additional posts/resources, please click here…

Resource #3: “How to Survive & Thrive” – A Resource Page

Finally, I humbly request that you check out the “How to Survive & Thrive” resource page here at Not So Mommy… It has links to 18 individual blogs, 4 blog series, and 2 webinars/podcasts. Just click here…

Suggestion #3: Accept that grief is chronic.

Once we’ve accepted grief and begun to learn some strategies to help manage our personal grief, we must accept that managing grief is the best we can do. Our grief will never be cured. Because grief is chronic.

As I said previously, there is power in embracing this truth.

Because once we stop trying to “fix” our grief… Stop trying to get rid of our grief… Stop trying to cure it… Once we accept and embrace that grief is chronic and will always be a part of our story… Well, we can give ourselves permission to feel our grief when it arises. Even if it’s twenty years later…

**Suggestion #4: Remember that grief is chronic, not terminal.**

I understand that the pain of grief can be so intense, over-whelming, and all-consuming that it feels like it will break you completely. Please remember, there are others who have discovered how to manage this pain, this chronic grief. You can, too.

If you need a listening ear, please contact me. Because I don’t ever want anyone to feel alone on this journey.

Hugs, fabulous ones. So many HUGS…