My hubby and I have always spoiled our nieces. My sister-in-love used to say, “Just wait! I’ll get you back!” Well, haha! Jokes on you. We’re infertile!
At a family gathering, I mentioned something about sleeping in and one of my cousins with littles groaned, “I wish I could sleep in!” To this I quipped, “Yeah, there are some advantages to being infertile.” Luckily, everyone laughed, as I did intend it to be a joke, but….
Should I make jokes about being infertile?
I have thought about writing this blog for over a month. The only way I made it through infertility and accepting my childless life is by focusing on the advantages of not having kids. But I was worried. What would people think if I talked about the bright side of infertility? Would I look selfish?
But recently, I joined a private Facebook group called “Childless Perks,” and I realized that there are others out there just like me–childless not by choice people just trying to focus on the good.
So, I mustered up my courage and decided that I was going to write this post. Because focusing on the advantages of not having kids became my ladder and helped me climb out of a pit of despair when I was at my lowest. Maybe this list of benefits will help someone else who is trying to accept his/her childless life. So, here goes…
The Bright Side of Infertility …
- Sleeping in. Yes, I mentioned it already, but it’s worth repeating. Parents are always complaining about not being able to sleep in. Well, I love that I can sleep in whenever I want!
- No stretch marks from pregnancy. My hubby says my butt looks great! Not bad for a 40-year-old woman!
- No birth control needed. No pills, no fumbling, no trips to the store…
- No worries about staying in the kids’ school district. We moved miles from our old house with no complaints from Maddie!
- No need for a playroom, tons of bedrooms, a huge backyard… I love our little house and the fact that every room is just for us!
- No school break? No problem! We can travel whenever we want (especially since we are both self-employed!)
- Every get-away is a “just the two of us” get-away. (Well, unless Maddie comes along, but she likes to do whatever we want!)
- Fancy food and nice restaurants. We don’t have to worry that chicken nuggets aren’t on the menu or that the cheese isn’t the right color or shape. No cartoon characters in our pantry!
- Spur of the moment dates. All we need is a peanut butter kong, and we are good to go!
- Remodeling. Our entire house. Because there are no braces to pay for or college funds needed, we can spend our money on what we want. And right now, we are remodeling our entire house from top to bottom, inside and out. And we don’t have to worry about littles being underfoot!
- Spoiling our nieces and nephews. We get to help with college, buy clothes, and take the kids to dinner. But we don’t have to. It’s not expected. It’s a gift, and our family is grateful for our generosity.
- Bruna, our exchange daughter. I’m not sure we would have hosted a foreign exchange student if we had a two-legged kid of our own. And that would have been awful because our time with Bruna was the absolute BEST time of our life!
I’m not selfish. I just choose the bright side.
Like I said before, I was afraid that those who have kids might think me selfish for being happy that I can sleep in on Saturday or a snob because I like being able to go out to eat at the fancy new place without worrying about getting a sitter.
But I didn’t choose to be infertile. I didn’t choose not to get pregnant or not to have a baby. But I am choosing to be thankful for the life God has blessed me with and to look at all the good things I have.
My point. Don’t judge. You never know what someone has gone through. Maybe they are happy with their “childfree” life because they chose to stop being sad about infertility and instead embraced it.
And to those of you who may still be in the pit of infertility, please try to change your perspective. Focus on the positive. Find your Plan B. Redefine your dreams. Just please, stop dwelling on the fact that you can’t get pregnant and don’t have a kid. Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is LET IT GO! (Did you sing it?! 😉 )
Oh. And another bright side of infertility… You don’t have to watch the same kids’ shows over and over and over!
Read more Good Things…
Read “Our Good Things Stories”
Photo Credit: Marc-Olivier Jodoin on StockSnap.io
Thank you so much for this article and for your website. As I sit here sad, tearful, angry, this is reminding me to find my joy and try to protect my peace. I don’t know what my future holds, and despite how incredibly down I feel, I’m trying to be reminded that God does still love me and that my life does still have purpose and meaning even if it never includes me having children of my own. I’m hoping that the more I say this and write it that I’ll someday believe it.
Stephanie, I’m so grateful that this post resonated. And I am very grateful that you are trying to find joy despite… I trust that you will someday believe that your life does have purpose even without having children. I believe this because I have found purpose and joy in a childless life. And I, too, wasn’t sure this would happen. Sending you so many hugs, fellow warrior…
SENSITIVE COMMENT WITH POSSIBLE TRIGGERS…
There are no advantages to being infertile and childless. Every so-called advantage is only a reminder of what you don’t have and maybe never will. Childlessness has no silver lining. There are only lemons, my life is full of them..
Thomas, I am so sorry that you are struggling through the pain and grief of infertility and childlessness. During our ten-year infertility battle, I was utterly despondent and feared I would forever be angry and bitter over not being able to have biological children. In an effort to climb from the pit of despair, I began focusing on what I call “good things.” This change in perspective helped me to find peace with what is…, to find joy despite…
Here at Not So Mommy…, I have written over 300 blogs, which talk about many different aspects of my journey–from grief to bright sides. I also link to 125+ resources, many of them specifically for the childless not by choice. I hope you will search through this site to find the support you need. There truly is a vibrant childless community ready to encourage you on this complex journey.
Lastly, I’m going to link to a blog that contains a webinar I co-hosted about grief, including additional resources. Perhaps something will resonate… https://notsomommy.com/through-the-ups-and-downs/
Let it go, let it go – love it 🎤🎶💕 (now to try and put it into practice)
Thanks, I really appreciate this as a trans woman.
I just came across your blog and I love this post. I’ve been searching everywhere for the “bright side of infertility”. It used to be painful to hear my friends talk about their children and all the stories. I’m finally coming to terms with my reality and sharing the joys of MY life without children – like sleeping in and taking vacations anytime we want 🙂 It feels liberating to think about it this way. Thank you so much for sharing!
Despite the circumstances that brought you here, I am grateful you have joined the conversation! I’m also grateful that this post resonated with you. Finding the bright sides is truly liberating!
Another lovely post Brandi, we do get a bit hung up on ‘what will people think’, don’t we? But having at one point felt like all my choices had been taken away from me, it’s so lovely now to see the infinite choices I still have and the beautiful gift of a life I’ve been given. Even if it didn’t turn out how I thought it would, that doesn’t mean I can’t have fun! And who cares if anyone thinks I’m selfish. What they think of me is none of my business…
Vivienne, I absolutely love this line – “… it’s so lovely now to see the infinite choices I still have and the beautiful gift of a life I’ve been given.” You are an incredible woman with a wonderful perspective. I am so glad that you have embraced the bright side! 🙂
Brandi I love this page and your perspective too. You’re lighting the way x
Thank you, Vivienne! You are too sweet. 🙂 I appreciate you reading and supporting the blog!
What a great article. A future without children scares me so much. But you’ve reminded me that I need to look at our plan b and stop being scared of it. A life without children doesn’t have to be a life that is less. I just have to change where my focus is. Thank you for creating this blog.
I am so glad that this blog helped you to realize that a childless life can be a fulfilling, happy, joyful, life! You are right, Vics–it all depends on where our focus lies.
For me, I try to remain focused on the positive, so I share good things blog every Monday. I do hope you’ll read more. I’m so glad you are here! 🙂
this was very inspiring im 24 been infirtal for 5 years and my chances arent looking good ive always wanted childs but this post this post may have helped me deal better then i have been so tjank you for being brave enough to post this !!
Lovely post! I’m a great believer in celebrating what we have. And that’s no more selfish than anyone who enjoys their kids.
Interesting comment about your exchange student. I think I would have hosted (as I was an exchange student myself, many moons ago) if we had had children, but it just didn’t seem right to host someone when I had no ties to schools or the community in that way. Good for you! (Off to read your post about that now.)
Mali, you are exactly right. We don’t make those who have kids seem selfish for enjoying their lives, so I shouldn’t feel selfish for enjoying my childless life. Thank you! 🙂
And thank you for reading my host mom blog, as well!
I love this! I know this wonderful outlook will help so many that are in the midst of infertility. I am now a grandparent and I get to do all the things you are doing and it is wonderful! Keep spreading the joy!!❤
Perfectly stated; and Plan B worked! ❤ Everyone should focus on the positive and be joyful, for we aren’t promised tomorrow.