Finding Peace in Childlessness: Step 1 – Physical Acceptance

Trigger Warning:  Real talk about infertility, “p,” adoption, surrogacy, finances, relationships, holidays, and more…

In the introduction to this series, I stated, “During Childless Holidays 2019, finding peace is my hope for us all…”  (You can read that blog here.)  Now, you might be thinking, “Peace?!  I just want to make it through the holidays without being a puddle of tears!”  Well, no matter where you are on your journey, I truly believe this year’s childless holidays series will help you move forward.  So, let’s talk about step 1 in finding peace— physical acceptance . . .

The “P” in PEACE

To find peace with not only the holidays, but with our childless life, we must first find the “P” in PEACE–physical acceptance.  What exactly is “physical acceptance?”  Well, it involves many different aspects of our lives.  So, let’s dig in and explore this concept…

Accept yourself…

For those who struggle with infertility, I believe we must accept the physical limitations of our bodies.  For me, personally, I had to accept that my uterus just doesn’t work right.  I cannot get pregnant.  My eggs were old.  That means, I’m now menopausal at 42-years-young.  Despite that, I still have acne breakouts because my hormones are often out of whack.  That’s because I suffer from endometriosis.  This chronic illness also causes me to have more aches and pains than I should, fatigue, and a bloated belly that sometimes makes me look like I’m pregnant…

Yes, accepting my physical body is still a work in progress…  I have accepted that I am infertile.  (I actually wrote a blog about that, which you can read here.)  Accepting endometriosis and menopause…  Well, I’m still working on that.  It’s been a struggle lately to feel pretty.  Though, I am starting to get my sexy back!  (Read more about that here.)  But I digress…

As I was saying, physical acceptance is vital to finding peace on our journey.  (I know I accepted that I couldn’t get pregnant years before I accepted that I wouldn’t be a mom—at least, in the traditional sense.  We’ll talk more about that next week…)  As there are numerous paths to childlessness, acceptance of personal infertility is not the only form of physical acceptance, however.

Accept others…

For some (including me), we must accept the physical limitations of our partners.  When my husband shared his CNBC story, he stated, “…my sperm has low motility and is poor shaped.  )-:”  You know, I was so proud of him for putting that truth into words and sharing it so openly via my blog.  It’s not easy to tell others that our bodies don’t work quite right.  And I believe this is particularly difficult for men, as jokes such as “slow swimmers” are tossed about as if it’s the man’s fault.  Like he doesn’t exercise enough to make his sperm move faster.

But no amount of exercise or special vitamins or wearing boxers was going to change the biological fact that my hubby suffers from male factor infertility.  Not only did he have to accept that, but I did, as well.

Now, for some (perhaps many) reading this, infertility is not the cause of your childlessness.  You may be wondering what “physical acceptance” you need to make in order to find peace.  Well, I believe we must also accept the physical limitations of our lives in order to find peace.  And what does this mean?  Well…

Accept your life…

Your finances…

As I’ve read others’ childless not by choice stories, fellow warriors often mention the financial aspects of infertility treatments, surrogacy, adoption, etc.  For many (including my husband and me), part of the reason we are childless is that we could not afford to pursue IVF or adoption.  I mean, real life isn’t like TV where a friend eagerly offers to be a surrogate and IVF (paid for on a teacher’s salary) miraculously works on the first try to give you triplets!  No, in the real world, finances often place constraints on what we are physically able to do.

And yet, we childless often feel guilty that we didn’t “do enough.”  We think, should I have…

• taken a third job?  (I already took a second one when we were trying in order to save for IVF.)
• got another credit card?
• been willing to go into whatever debt necessary to have a kid?
• have moved states or to a different job where infertility treatments were covered by insurance?

And the list of questions goes on…

But my question is this…  Why do we torture ourselves over the fact that we didn’t have enough money to try all the options?  I mean, if someone doesn’t have enough money to buy the bigger house or the fancy car or go on the dream vacation, we don’t look down upon them.  We don’t say, “Well, you should have gotten another job so you could take that trip!”  So, why do we give childless a difficult time about knowing their financial limits?  I know, I know.  Kids are priceless.  But those who judge…  Well, I’m betting they didn’t have to come up with $50,000+ to get theirs.

So, accept the physical limitations of your finances.  And stop giving yourself a hard time about not working hard enough to get the money.  Because I’ll bet you work as hard as you can.

Your space…

Some childless share that they do not have the physical space for a child.  They live in a small home without a yard, a one-bedroom apartment, or rent a room.  Because of this, they would not be approved to adopt.  In fact, when I talk about the fact that we hosted a foreign exchange student, there are childless who say that is not an option for them because they do not have the space to host a child.

Whether living in a smaller home is a necessity because of finances, because that is what is available where you live, or because that is where you feel most comfortable, accept your space.  As with other aspects of physical acceptance, do not berate yourself for not getting a larger house.  It is acceptable to say, “One reason I do not have a child is because my home is not big enough to raise one.”  Personally, I do not think this is selfish.  I think knowing the limits of your physical space and putting the well-being of a child first shows selflessness and courage and love and empathy and all good things.

Your relationship status…

You know, if my husband had married someone else—someone healthy and fertile—perhaps they would have gotten pregnant.  Or if I had married someone else—someone who had good shaped and fast-moving sperm—perhaps we would have gotten pregnant.  I don’t know…

But the fact is that I married my husband—for better or worse, in sickness and in health.  So, it doesn’t really matter if we could have gotten pregnant with others.  I accept that we are infertile.

Now, maybe the fact that both of us suffer from infertility made it easier.  There was no “blame game.”  There was no feeling that if he’d just leave me, he could have a child with someone else.  Now, we did have serious discussions about IVF, of which my hubby was okay with pursuing, but I was less sure…  And the adoption talks…  I wanted to move forward, but he just didn’t know…

So, I accepted that I am married to a man that suffers from male-factor infertility, who did not want to keep trying and did not want to adopt.  I accepted the physical limitations of my relationship.

Other childless not by choice are married to spouses who already have children, but don’t want to have anymore.  Some are married to those who simply did not want to have kids, who chose to be childfree.  And some never found the right partner with whom to have littles.

No matter your relationship status, I believe you must accept it—limitations and all—in order to find peace with your childless journey…

Step 1:  Physical Acceptance . . .

Yes, step 1 in finding peace with childless holidays (and our childless journey) is physical acceptance.  We must accept the physical limitations of our bodies, finances, spaces, and relationships.  We must love ourselves as we are…

Infertile, menopausal, suffering from a chronic illness…  Married, single, divorced…  College-educated or real-life experience…  Living in a big house or a single room…  Large bank account or small…

Just as “parent or not” does not equal “worthy or not,” nothing listed above makes a person more or less worthy…

I am an infertile, menopausal woman, suffering from endometriosis who is married.  I have a Master of English degree and live in a smaller home.  Though I share a lot, I think the size of my bank account might be a bit too personal…  ?  None of what I’ve shared, however, defines my worth.

I accepted my physical limitations so that I could find peace with my situation and move forward with what is…  With a childless life that includes celebrating Thanksgiving with just me, my hubby, and our fur baby.  Celebrating Christmas with nieces and nephews, knowing that someone (usually an adult) will probably say something that makes me wobble a bit…  Hanging a stocking for Maddie and cherishing that she loves to open presents…  Accepting that my holidays do not look like others’ celebrations nor the celebration I used to picture in my head…  But being okay with that.

An imperfectly perfect life…

My childless life…  My childless holidays…

They are not perfect.  There are physical limitations to them both.  Things that cannot be changed.  Things that I must accept.

My life…  My holidays…  They are imperfectly perfect.  I have accepted that.  I’ve found peace with what is…

Fabulous one, I hope that you can accept the physical limitations of your life, your holidays.  Because I want you to see the beauty in the imperfectly perfect.  I want you to accept and find peace…

Because the weight, the burden that we carry…  Well, we need not lug it around.  Once we find physical acceptance…  Well, we feel lighter…  We feel relieved…  We feel the beginnings of peace…

If anything I wrote resonates with you, please tell us about it in the comments.

I realize the holiday season can be quite difficult for we childless.  Please, feel free to contact me if you need a listening ear.  I don’t ever want anyone to feel alone on this journey.

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