Finding Peace in Childlessness: Step 2 – Emotional Acceptance

Trigger Warning:  Real, honest, raw talk about TTC, the hope of miracles, adoption, cancer, grieving, littles, dashed dreams, childless holidays, feelings of missing out, and more…

In the first blog of the Childless Holidays 2019 Series, we talked about accepting the physical limitations of our bodies, finances, spaces, and relationships as the first step towards finding peace in childlessness.  (You can read that blog here.)  This week, we are going to discuss step 2, the E in PEACE– emotional acceptance . . .

Physical Acceptance First . . .

In the physical acceptance blog, I told you that I accepted that I couldn’t get pregnant years before I accepted that I wouldn’t be a mom—at least, in the traditional sense.  What I mean by this is…  I knew I couldn’t get pregnant.  Seven failed infertility treatments and years of trying had proven that.  But I still desperately wanted to be a mom.  So, I clung to the hope that we would adopt…  Though, in my heart, I knew my husband wasn’t really sure about adoption.  And even though I say I had accepted our infertility, I still thought that maybe, just maybe, we might have a miracle and get pregnant naturally…

The E in PEACE

Yes, it took my heart much time to catch up to what my brain already knew.  We are infertile.  We aren’t going to adopt.  I’m not going to be a mom.  Not in the traditional sense.  Ever.

Emotional Acceptance: The Grief Journey…

Honestly, it took me about a year after my husband told me he didn’t want to keep trying to fully accept these truths.  Before we go any further, let me make this point very clear.  I grieved over the fact that we would not have a biological or adopted child for longer than my husband did.  For me, that meant I had to do part of my grieving alone.  He was ready to move on.  But I wasn’t quite there yet…

Now, I had been grieving the baby we didn’t have for years.  Though, I didn’t realize I was grieving during our infertility battle.  But I was.  The deep, profound ache in my chest as my heart broke into a million pieces…  Well, it still causes a lump in my throat and tears to spring to my eyes when I think back to those dark days…

But I had to grieve.  I had to feel that cavernous, take-away-your-breath, not sure if I will survive, all-consuming, scary pain and sadness in order to move forward…

And unfortunately, so do you.

Don’t ignore the pain.  Don’t stifle the tears.  Allow yourself to feel the feels.  Allow yourself to be sad, angry, confused…  Grieve.  And grieve some more.

Because grieving is step 1 in emotional acceptance.

Yes, that’s right.  Emotional acceptance has more than one step…

Emotional Acceptance: The Joy Journey…

After allowing yourself to work through your grief, the next step in emotional acceptance is to allow yourself to be happy, to find joy…

Now, you may think this sounds odd.  So, let me try to explain what I mean by using a “traditional” form of grief—my grief over losing my best friend of 36 years.

A Personal Story…

If you are a regular here at Not So Mommy…, you know that my best friend passed away from breast cancer in September 2018.  She was only 40-years-young and her death is one of the most painful experiences of my life, ranking right up there with losing my Daddy and our infertility battle.  The overwhelming grief…  Well, it washed over me again and again and again…  For months…

The Passing of Grief…

On 16 November, exactly 14 months after her passing, I realized that my grief has lessened.  I haven’t had a grief attack in weeks.  And I find myself smiling at memories rather than crying over them.

And do you know what my initial reaction to this realization was?

Guilt.

It’s only been a little over a year, and I’m already over losing her?!  The grief journey should take at least two years!  Maybe we weren’t as close as I thought we were!

These were the thoughts swirling around in my mind…  Confused and worried and trying to figure it all out…

And then, it dawned on me.

The Grief Work…

Yes, it has only been 14 months since my beautiful friend went to Heaven.  And in those 14 months, I have allowed myself to cry deep, painful, gut-wrenching tears and moans and wails.  I have written numerous blogs (including two during September’s WCW 2019).  I even co-presented a webinar on navigating the ups and downs of life…

I’ve done a lot of grief work.

Now, this isn’t to say it’s over.  I will always miss my friend.  I will, I’m quite certain, shed more tears over the fact that she is no longer here.  My heart still hurts.  Just not as bad.  The ache is dull, rather than crushing.  The wobbles aren’t nearly as long, nor nearly as intense.

And those questions spurred by guilt…

It’s only been a little over a year, and I’m already over losing her?!  The grief journey should take at least two years!  Maybe we weren’t as close as I thought we were!

Well, they are lies.

No, I’m not “over” losing my friend.  The grief journey doesn’t have to last a set amount of time to be authentic.  Of course, we were close!  We met when I was four-years-old and grew up across the street together.  We were more like sisters than friends…

Finding Joy Again…

And she would want me to be happy.  She would want me to smile at her memory.  She would want me to move forward in joy…

Why do I share this with you?

Well, because I think we can all relate to those feelings of guilt that arise when, after someone passes away, we find ourselves feeling happy.  It’s as if we think we shouldn’t smile or laugh or have any fun…  After all, if we really miss them, if we’re really grieving, then shouldn’t sadness be our primary emotion?

Our Childless Story…

For we childless, I think we often feel intense guilt about being happy with a childless life.

Why?

Well, because if we truly find joy in a childless life, then did we really want kids that badly?  I mean, if we can list numerous bright sides to a life without littles, then maybe we didn’t really want them.  Maybe that’s why we “gave up…”

But these thoughts spurred by guilt…

Well, they are lies.

Of course, I really wanted kids.  I spent TEN years of my life trying to have one!  My husband and I visited four different infertility specialists in two different states and did seven rounds of treatments.  We looked into all different types of adoption…

But you know what?!  I don’t need to explain all this.  It doesn’t really matter how many years we tried or how many doctors we visited or how many treatments we had.  It doesn’t really matter if we went to adoption meetings or not.

What matters…  We wanted a little, but we couldn’t have one.  So, we grieved.  And then, we allowed ourselves to find joy in the what is…

Yes, the second step to emotional acceptance—joy.  Allow the grief and sadness and pain to subside.  Allow yourself to find joy and happiness and peace with the life you are living…

Let go…  Let go of the life you had pictured.  Find joy in the what is…

Emotional Acceptance of Childless Holidays…

And as for finding joy in childless holidays…

Well, let’s speak frankly.  (Trigger Warning…)

Christmas is not going to look like what you thought it was.  There are traditions that you wanted to participate in with your own littles, and you aren’t going to get to do that.  Of course, this is going to cause some pain, and you need to grieve the loss of these dreams.

But then, we must find a way to change perspective, to redefine…

What does that look like?  Well, that all depends…

For me, it means rather than stuffing a stocking for a two-legged little, I stuff a stocking for our four-legged fur-baby.  It means rather than having a tree filled with ornaments made at school, we have a perfectly decorated tree filled with ornaments collected during trips we’ve taken.  There are no holiday cartoons at our house.  We watch Hallmark movies instead.  No trips to the mall to see Santa.  He visits Maddie at home.  Often on New Year’s Eve.  Because that’s when we open presents with her.  (In other words, I’ve accepted the physical limitations of our holidays…)

Our childless holidays…  Our childless life…  It’s still evolving.  We are still figuring out exactly what the holidays are going to look like for us.  All we know is…  We want them to be a joyful time.  We want to be happy.  In December and the rest of the year, too.

So, as you try to find peace this season…  If you are ready and have worked through much of your grief…  Allow yourself to be happy.  Allow yourself to find joy.  Change perspective, redefine, find peace in childless holidays…

If anything I wrote resonates with you, please tell us about it in the comments.

I realize the holiday season can be quite difficult for we childless.  Please, feel free to contact me if you need a listening ear.  I don’t ever want anyone to feel alone on this journey.

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