Finding Peace in Childlessness: Step 3 – Acceptance of Your Entire Journey . . .

Trigger Warning:  Discussion of “p” announcement

During the past few weeks, we’ve been talking about finding peace in childlessness.  We’ve discussed step 1–physical acceptance—as well as step 2–emotional acceptance.  This week, we’re going to talk about step 3—the “A” in PEACE.  This week, we’re going to talk about acceptance of your entire journey . . .  In other words, acceptance of the ups and downs, twists and turns.  Acceptance that this childless journey is NOT linear.

Well, shoot, Brandi!  I rather liked the straight path to peace we were walking.

I, too, wish this journey were more straight-forward.  But from experience, I can tell you, it is most definitely curvy and rugged…

A few months ago, an unexpected “p” announcement popped up in my newsfeed.  And it caused quite a wobble.  Actually, I wrote a blog about my less than stellar reaction.  But I’ve been hesitant to publish it.  But as I was preparing this post—acceptance of your entire journey—I got a nudging that I needed to go ahead and put this out there.  So, here goes…

Grief & Wobbles & Unwanted Announcements…

*SENSITIVE POST / TRIGGER WARNING

So, I had a wobble.  Not a slight one.  Not a little one.  No, not even a big one.  I had a HUGE wobble.  I was already struggling with my grief over losing my best friend.  Then, a “p” announcement came across my newsfeed.  An announcement which made it abundantly clear that this “p” was not planned.  The look on the face of the expectant…  Hide post.  Immediately!  Now, if I could only hit the “hide post” in my brain instead of it being on repeat.  I want to talk to Jennifer.  But I can’t.

Reaching Out: Take 1

After a few hours, I just couldn’t handle the pain anymore.  I’ve always talked through issues.  So, I reached out to someone I could trust.  And she kindly told me that this “p” was neither wished for nor wanted.  She then went on to say that it really wasn’t fair to either of us—the expectant or me.

What the bleep?!  Are you bleepin’ kidding me?!  Not fair to the person who’s going to get a baby?!

Through hot tears and anger, I responded that I felt ZERO sorrow for the one who was able to get pregnant so easily.  I needed someone to tell me this sucks!  Someone to say it isn’t fair!  Someone to let me vent…

And there was silence.

Reaching Out: Take 2

So, I tried to talk to my husband.  He immediately started in about all the good things in our life.  And I stopped him and through more tears, nearly screamed, “I just need someone to let me feel bad for a minute!”

And he did.  He let me cry and complain.  And he listened.  He never did say the right thing.  But a guy’s perspective is so different…

A Message…

Then, a message showed up…

“This really does suck!  Life isn’t fair!”

Thank you.  I agree.  And on that note, I feel a little better.  But only a little.

I cried some more.  I thought some more.  A tiny bit of compassion for the person not thrilled about her “surprise” crept in.  And I realized…

You want to help your childless friend?

You want to help your childless friend when she’s struggling.  LISTEN.  Let her cry and yell and be angry.  Heck, let her be a complete and total witch!  (Or maybe even a b – – – – …)  Because you know what?  She will work through the emotions.  She will find the bright sides.  She’ll change perspective and find her joy.  She’ll become compassionate and loving and caring again.  Just give her a moment to process the deep, profound, overwhelming emotions that are surging through her.  Don’t judge her.  I promise she’s already doing that herself.  Just let her be.  She is grieving.  And it’s tough.  Let her know that it’s okay…  Let her know that she’s okay.

Back to PEACE…

Months since I wrote that blog, I typed it up today without tears or anger or a pounding heart.  I’ve found peace with the situation…

Now, my hubby says my initial reaction to the news had more to do with Jennifer than with our childlessness.  While I agree that my grief over losing my best friend heightened emotions, I would have still had some level of pain over this announcement.  (I loathe social media “p” announcements…)

I tell you all this to say…  The holidays may intensify your reactions.  You may find things that normally wouldn’t trigger intense pain instigate quite a reaction in you.  We must remember that our childless journey…  It’s a grief journey.

A Grief Journey…

A couple of weeks ago, I was making a gratitude post on Facebook.  That day, I was explaining how eternally grateful I am for our first fur baby, Valentine.  He was with me during our entire ten-year infertility battle, crossing the Rainbow Bridge in March 2013, over 6 years ago.  Yet, as I wrote about him, a deep ache filled my chest and tears sprang to my eyes.  It was a quick grief moment, but a profound one.  It made me realize that no matter how many years pass, I will miss my Valentine always…

And my intense reaction over the “p” announcement…  Well, I have accepted our childless life.  But there are moments when penetrating pain over what I was not able to do, what I was not able to have…  There are moments when that grief overwhelms.  And just as I will never “get over” losing other loved ones, I’ll never fully get over losing the biological children that I dreamed of…

Finding Peace through Acceptance of Your Entire Journey . . .

So, finding peace in childlessness—a day-to-day calmness about the what is…

Well, it takes work.  At first, second-by-second work, finding the strength to simply breathe.  Then, minute-by-minute and hour-by-hour work.  Eventually, it is day-by-day work.  And finally…  After accepting physical limitations, after accepting that you must grieve, after accepting that it’s okay to find joy and be happy…  After all that, the work to accept—to find peace—well, it becomes more of a month(s)-by-month(s) process…

My humble advice as you work towards acceptance of your entire journey . . .

Accept wherever you are on your journey.  And if where you are is hot tears and anger and “please let me just feel bad for a moment!”  Well…  Be gentle with yourself.  And look to those of us who’ve made it to the other side for proof that you can, too…

If anything I wrote resonates with you, please tell us about it in the comments.

I realize the holiday season can be quite difficult for we childless.  Please, feel free to contact me if you need a listening ear.  I don’t ever want anyone to feel alone on this journey.

Need a safe place on social media? 

Follow Not So Mommy… on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest for daily inspiration!

Subscribe to my email and never miss a post!  (A monthly newsletter will be shared Sat, 21 Dec.)

Skip the stores. Do your holiday shopping right here! Just click the image below…

Click image to shop…

Featured Photo:  Created by me, using Canva