It’s the 28th of September. Only 12 short days ago, my best friend of 37 years went to Heaven. One week ago, she was laid to rest.
A stressful six weeks…
The past six weeks have been stressful, emotional, exhausting… I knew that I needed to step away from Not So Mommy… for a moment, but I worried. I take this blog and the posts that I share both here and on social media seriously. I did not want to let this beautiful community down…
Putting my emotional needs first…
But I encourage you to take care of yourselves, telling you that knowing your weaknesses is part of your strength. I tell you to say, “No,” when something is just too much, to keep your emotional well-being as a top priority. And it was time to take my own advice…
I had already written the following Monday’s Good Things Blog, but I needed a post for Wednesday. So, on September 14, I wrote and scheduled “Excuse me while I cry…”
As I considered my next post, which was for good things Monday, finding joy was proving impossible for me. Luckily, I remembered that I was supposed to share a Good Things Story. Shannon, of the Happily Ever After (Without Children) podcast, had already submitted hers, so I scheduled it to post on the 24th. (You can read it here.)
An unexpected gift…
I was hoping that I’d only need a few days reprieve, thinking I would write my post for the “Not So Helpful” Series at some point over the next week and a half… As the deadline approached, I just didn’t have the energy to write…
And a gift showed up in my email. I had forgotten that I shared my story with Amber, of The World Sees Normal! She wrote to tell me my story was live, so I shared it via social media rather than writing a brand new blog.
Trying to write again…
As another self-imposed writing deadline approached, I started trying to figure out what good thing I could share on October 1st… I am still very much in the midst of my grief, often waking with a deep hollowness in my chest. There are moments when the pain becomes too much, and the tears flow. (I had a difficult time holding them back while checking out at the grocery store yesterday.) So, what could I say? What joy was there to find?
I’ll be honest. This post is taking me much longer to write than normal. I type. I delete. I sit. I think. I stare out the window at the dreary, rainy day which looks much like I feel…
And I realize that I will feel this way for a while. Grief doesn’t last for mere days or even a few weeks. It lasts for months, if not years. And what can make this unbearable is the fact that life goes on. We must go on…
So despite the fact that I am struggling to find the words, I am forcing myself to write. (I’m always encouraging you to write through your feelings, stating that it helps you heal. Heck, I even wrote “The Power of Writing” during WCW 2018. So, again, I’m trying to take my own advice…)
Finding joy in the midst of grief…
Goodness. I’ve yet to mention today’s good thing. Finding joy in the midst of grief is difficult…
When I looked, however, it was there in the shape of purple hearts. Let me explain…
Purple Hearts…
My best friend, Jennifer, loved the color purple. It was one of her favorite things. She loved to wear purple, she loved to decorate with purple, she loved purple. It was (and will always be) her signature color.
As I spoke with Nicci Fletcher (who also loves purple), I shared that I truly believe that God brought Nicci into my life because He knew that He was going to have to take Jennifer home. He knew I’d need a friend—not to replace her (Jennifer can never be replaced)—but someone to talk with, to confide in, to lean on… I explained to Nicci that when I use purple hearts, it’s in honor of Jennifer.
Poem by Nicci Fletcher
While in Oklahoma for my Grandad’s and Jennifer’s memorial services (which happened to be on the exact same day), Nicci shared a beautiful poem she wrote and asked our incredible CNBC tribe to send love, positive vibes, and prayers my way. And she requested that purple hearts be shared because Jennifer loved purple.
I did not scroll through FaceBook for days, but I did check my notifications because so many people were sharing kind words and purple hearts. With tears streaming down my cheeks, my lips would curve into the slightest smile as purple heart after purple heart appeared in my feed. It was so lovely and helped make an extremely painful time a bit more bearable…
And this happened because I trusted Nicci enough to share my heartache. She cares about me enough to take action, requesting the purple heart posts. And you, fabulous ones, proved just how amazing you are by taking a moment to send a purple heart my way…
Thank you for helping me find a bit of joy in the midst of my overwhelming grief.
If anything I wrote resonates with you, fabulous one, I’d love to hear from you in the comments…
Others have shared how they’ve found joy despite life’s trials. Read their Good Things Stories here…
Good Things Stories is a place for all, fellow childless not by choice and those who support us, to inspire one another by sharing a good thing that helped you find joy after struggle. Learn how to share your story here…
Subscribe to my email and never miss a post…
Featured Photo: Noah Silliman on StockSnap.io
3 comments
Beautifully written Brandi. The wisdom of your words shine through your grief and will touch the hearts of many with your honesty and vulnerability. I am always here for you my friend. Unfortunately I can’t find a way of inserting any purple hearts into my comment: however, you know they are there. I would also like to add that you came into my life at a time when I needed you most. xxx
Thank you for your sweet, sweet words, Nicci. I am so grateful for our friendship…
?