SENSITIVE POST WITH POSSIBLE TRIGGERS…
Friday the 13th. This day evokes fears, conjuring up images of horror movies, with a young woman slowly walking down the hallway to find out what that creepy noise was. When she gets to the door, you really don’t want her to open it because you just know something awful is going to be on the other side. But inevitably, she turns that doorknob and…
Well, sometimes, nothing. No creepy axe-murderer, no awful images, nothing. Just a normal bedroom or garage or front porch.
And yet, every time she comes to another door, we worry. We are scared about what is behind that door…
One of My Biggest Fears: The Closed Door…
As I walked through my infertility journey, I was petrified about what was behind that door. Would it be the baby that I hoped for or would it be the childless life that I feared?
When I thought about never having a baby, I would become physically anxious. I couldn’t breathe, my heart rate would increase, and my palms would sweat. Honestly, I would panic. The tears would not stop falling and my mind raced with the awful prospect of never hearing little feet running through our home, never enjoying firsts, and growing old with no one to look after us. And I couldn’t face the thought of something happening to my husband. Then, I really would be alone…
But month after month, year after year, I didn’t get pregnant. Month after month, year after year, my husband and I could not agree on an adoption plan. So, month after month, year after year, I walked that long hallway toward that door, fearing that my worst nightmare was going to be on the other side—a childless life.
On December 26, 2013 (yep, there’s that number 13 again), my husband forced me to open that dreaded door and face the fact that a childless life was indeed on the other side. As I tentatively stepped through, crying, crushed, but also somewhat relieved that it was finally out in the open, I had to face my fears…
Fear 1: No little feet running through our home
As I faced the fact that we would never have a two-legged child of our own, I knew that our home was going to feel differently than I had imagined. There would be no pitter-patter of little feet or toys strewn about or giggles coming from the nursery…
Fear 2: No firsts
I also realized that there would be no firsts. No first word, no first day of school, no first Christmas, and the list goes on and on and on…
Fear 3: My husband and I would grow old alone
There would be no kids who loved us so unconditionally that they would gladly take care of us during our old age. No, we would grow old without the security of weekly visits from the grands…
But I kept walking. As I explored this new side, I’ve come to realize that the childless room I envisioned with no little feet, no firsts, and growing old alone is actually not the childless life that I am living…
Fear 1: Not True. There are little feet in our home.
As I listen to Maddie’s little paws click-click-click through the hallway, I realize that we do have the pitter-patter of little feet. It is not from a two-legged kid, but a four-legged one. Yet I still smile when I hear her coming. And she is often carrying one of her many toys, which end up throughout our home as she plays and runs and smiles and jumps. And no giggles? Well, Maddie definitely isn’t quiet, and she certainly lets you know when she is happy (or not)!
Fear 2: Not True. We’ve had plenty of firsts.
We celebrated Maddie’s first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Birthday… We took pictures at her first training class, first day of doggie day camp, and first overnight stay away from Mommy and Daddy. And once again, I realize that while these aren’t firsts with a two-legged kid, they are still firsts.
But fear 3 is still there.
Maddie cannot take care of us when we are old…
A New Opportunity…
I pushed that fear aside and continued to walk my childless life. As I got farther from that dreaded door, I discovered the opportunity to host a foreign exchange student and my fears were squelched even more.
Fear 1: Really Not True…
Now, we have had the feet of a two-legged kid.
No, it wasn’t a toddler running around, but hearing Bruna skip through our loft made me smile. And listening to her and Maddie play made my heart happy.
Fear 2: Really Not True…
And the firsts…
Obviously, we didn’t celebrate Bruna’s first birthday, but we did celebrate her 17th. And it wasn’t her first day of school ever, but it was her first day of school in the States. And her first Prom, first visit to see Cinderella’s Castle, first time to see snow, first time to meet her Oklahoma grandmas, and many, many more firsts that we experienced together…
But fear 3 is still there.
Despite everything, fear 3 and growing old alone still lingered…
Bruna has parents in Brazil to take care of, plus it isn’t her responsibility to help her host parents when they get old. So, that fear of being alone… It just wouldn’t seem to go away.
Looking at things differently…
Until I started to notice…
My husband’s great aunt is childless, and his mom takes wonderful care of her. She visits every week, brings her to all family functions, and they talk on the phone daily. My MIL is caring for Aunt Dot like a daughter would care for a mother. And our nieces are seeing all of this. The example that my MIL is setting is incredible, and I know without a doubt that our nieces will care for us just as my MIL has cared for Dot.
And my fears are gone. (Well, most of the time… I am human. Doubts sneak in occasionally.)
My Fears, My Resolutions. Your Fears, Your Resolutions.
Now, I know I’ve described my life, my path, my journey. Of course, my circumstances are unique to me. Not everyone finds as much fulfillment in being a dog mom as I do. Not everyone wants to host a foreign exchange student or develops the incredibly close bond that we made with Bruna. And not everyone has nieces who will care for them as they age.
But what everyone does have is the ability to face fears, to redefine expectations, and to discover a new path. I didn’t have to decide that the pitter-patter of Maddie’s little paws was enough to squelch my fear of never hearing little feet in our home. I didn’t have to decide that experiencing firsts with a fur baby and an exchange daughter was enough to heal the ache of never having firsts with a biological or adopted child. And I don’t have to trust that our nieces will visit us and love us and care for us when we are old.
But I chose to face my childless life and redefine what momhood is going to look like for me. I chose to discover a new path and to embrace it, fully and with no reservations. No regrets, no wishes, no comparing my life to others.
If you are staring at the door to a childless life, I pray that you will be brave and open it. And don’t just peek in. Walk in boldly and bravely and do not look back. Discover what your childless life is going to be. Face your fears. Redefine your expectations. Uncover your new and glorious path. You just have to be open to the possibilities…
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Photo Credit: Chris Barbalis of StockSnap.io
2 comments
Love the way you have described the fears and how to find our resolutions for our fears. Life is full of the unexpected and we need to be able to deal with the unexpected in a positive way. So glad people are now talking about childlessness, the world is full of ideas of how to overcome fears when having children now we need to know how to overcome fears when you don’t have children.
Thank you for your comment, Debbie. I love this line, “Life is full of the unexpected and we need to be able to deal with the unexpected in a positive way.” I couldn’t agree with you more!