Excuse me while I cry…

by Brandi Lytle
Photo of an hourglass with blue sand on Excuse me while I cry on Not So Mommy...

August and September have been very emotional months for me.  My grandparents are aging and one of my best friends is battling cancer.  So, I planned a week-long visit back home.  With World Childless Week on the horizon, I knew that I needed to get prepared.  So, I wrote all my WCW blogs, plus kept up with my regular posting schedule.  I also managed to get ahead on my social media posts.  This allowed me to focus on my family and friends while I was in Oklahoma.  Little did I know how important that time was going to be…

On 3 September 2018, I returned back to South Carolina.  On 9 September 2018, my Grandad went to Heaven.

Originally, I had planned to visit at the end of September.  But my hubby told me there was no need to wait and insisted that I visit in August.  I am so, so grateful that he did.

My Grandad suffered with Alzheimer’s and had forgotten who I was.  But during my visit, he looked at me one afternoon and his eyes grew bright.  He smiled and reached his hand out to me.  I walked over and held his hand, telling him how much I loved him.  I talked to him for several minutes, while continuing to hold his hand.  Then, it was time for him and my Nana to go to lunch.  I will forever cling to that beautiful moment.  And in my heart, I like to believe that he recognized me for a moment and was happy to see me there…

I have shared that one of my best friends in this world is battling cancer.  I also got to visit her when I was in Oklahoma.  She gets really tired quite quickly, so our visit was short–only about 20 or 30 minutes.  But I loved talking to her, seeing her beautiful eyes, and being able to give her a hug.  I brought her burritos because she absolutely loves Mexican food.  When I left, she said, “I can’t wait for some of your burritos!”  (She even trilled the Rs when she said this!)  There was such joy in her voice…

Today (14 September), I found out that my friend will be going to Heaven sooner than later.  Treatments aren’t working, and hospice has been called…  My heart is breaking.  And selfishly I wonder how I can exist on this earth without her.  I have known her for 37 of my 41 years.  She knows all my secrets.  The pain that I’m feeling is almost too much.  So, please, excuse me while I cry…

I just couldn’t write a blog for the “Not So Helpful” Series right now.  I will try to get back with it soon.  But for now, I’m going to allow myself to feel the feels.  I’m going to prepare for another trip home so that I can be with my family to celebrate my Grandad’s life and go visit my friend because I won’t be back until Christmas and there are just no guarantees…

I’d like to humbly ask that you pray for my friend.  We’d absolutely love a miracle.  But if that’s not to be, we’ll need help accepting…  I’m usually pretty good at finding the bright side.  But I just can’t right now.  My friend’s hubby said he was confused.  So am I.  Excuse me while I cry…

I wrote this blog on Friday, 14 September and scheduled it to post on Wednesday the 19th.  On Sunday, 16 September, my beautiful friend went to Heaven… 


If anything I wrote resonates with you, fabulous one, I’d love to hear from you in the comments…


Featured Photo:  Suzy Hazelwood of StockSnap.io

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Lisa Gruar October 5, 2018 - 4:59 pm

Sorry to hear of your hard times. Broken hearts cause physical pain, Praying you may know God’s peace in your heart as you take time to grieve. I believe your moment with your Grandad was a postcard from God. Treasure that special moment forever. We cannot understand this pain here on earth, but I’m trusting God that he has the much bigger picture and that he really does love us intensley and grieves withbus. God bless you.

Brandi Lytle October 6, 2018 - 9:40 am

Thank you for your kind words, Lisa. I, too, know that Jesus weeps with us and that God is in control. I don’t always understand His plan, but I do always trust Him.

I love your “postcard from God” comment… I will cling to that moment with my Grandad, as well as a “postcard from God” that I had with my best friend before she passed. You brought me a smile during a very difficult time. Hugs…

Judy Odum September 29, 2018 - 8:08 am

Such a very tough time for you Brandi. I am so sorry, I truly understand grief and know that only time can heal! Feels like someone cut your heart out. Such a sad time for your family and friends. I know that your Granddad will be missed so much and Jenno, so hard to lose her, like a sister no doubt.
I did not know that Jenno and her husband introduced you and Dane. That is so special!

Dane Lytle September 21, 2018 - 11:38 pm

Jennifer was a wonderful person and will be missed dearly! What Brandi has not said is, the reason she is stuck with me is Jennifer and her husband introduced us. Needless to say I was the lucky one here. This family is special to us in so many ways! We feel such sadness for the loss of Jenno!

Not So Daddy…

Brandi Lytle September 22, 2018 - 10:44 am

I will forever be grateful for that evening when Jenno asked if I wanted to go meet this guy…

Amanda September 21, 2018 - 1:27 am

Sending you prayers and love ❤

Brandi Lytle September 21, 2018 - 9:50 am

Thank you

Nicci Fletcher September 20, 2018 - 4:55 pm

Our condolences to you, your family and to your friend’s family too. I am so pleased that you were able to spend those few precious moments with your grandad and friend when you were back in Oklahoma last month. Such a gift for all of you.

I wish that Andrew and I were close enough to wrap you up in gentle hugs until the pain you are currently going through has gone. Virtual hugs are great: however, hugs in person are better. We are here for you my friend. xxx

Brandi Lytle September 21, 2018 - 9:52 am

I am feeling your hugs, love, and support from afar. Thank you for being such a beautiful friend, Nicci.

Isaura September 19, 2018 - 9:47 pm

It’s incredible how we can connect through a stranger on social media. My grandmother died from complications of Alzheimer’s 15 years ago. I still cry as if it were yesterday. It’s a feeling that never leaves me. On July 6 of this year I lost my uncle to cancer. I still don’t understand why things happen. I try to believe in a higher calling and through that a purpose but sometimes the pain blinds me. I am also an infertile woman who tried for many years to conceive. I’ve recently been thinking of trying again. I’m 42 and I feel I have to try until the bitter end. Thank you for sharing and thank you for your words.

Brandi Lytle September 20, 2018 - 1:12 am

I am so sorry for your losses, Isaura. Your words, “the pain blinds me,” are so accurate. I, too, do not understand why… But connecting with others brings some comfort. Thank you for your kind words…

Sherry Stout September 19, 2018 - 6:46 pm

I’m crying with you…. It’s been such a hard 3 months.

Brandi Lytle September 21, 2018 - 9:54 am

It really has… Thank you for always allowing me to cry with you… No judgment, just love & support.

Patti Hendricks September 19, 2018 - 3:43 pm

I’m so sorry. Take your time to grieve. We will be here when you are ready and when you need to talk about this.

Brandi Lytle September 20, 2018 - 1:13 am

Thank you, Patti. That means more than I can express in words…

Jessica Westerfield September 19, 2018 - 2:03 pm

I’m so sorry to hear about your recent losses, sending hugs and prayers for you during this very difficult time. I lost my Grandmother to Alzheimer’s a few weeks ago. During my last visit with her, she looked in my eyes and her face lit up as she said, “Jessica is that you”! She was actually there for a few seconds and recognized me, before being lost to confusion again, I will forever treasure that memory.

Brandi Lytle September 20, 2018 - 1:14 am

Jessica, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing that beautiful memory with us. It brought a smile during a very tough time…


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