The Elusive Key to Happiness: Finding Joy Despite...

THIS POST CONTAINS POSSIBLE TRIGGERS, as I discuss infertility, childlessness, grieving, and more…

Often, when those in the midst of their struggle reach out to me, they ask, “How?” How did you “get over” not being able to have a little? How did you move on? How did you find Plan B? In essence, they want to know… What is the elusive “key to happiness” that I have seemed to unlock?

The Elusive Key To Happiness

Well, I didn’t realize it at the time, but the “key to happiness” (for me, at least) was finding joy despite . . .

You see, I was not always a look at the bright sides, find a different perspective, accept, redefine, embrace type of person. In fact, there was a point in my life when I was so low that others did not want to be around me. In all honesty, I didn’t want to be around me…

First came grief…

I didn’t know at the time that I was grieving. I didn’t realize that I had to mourn the life I thought I would have. I had to let go of my dream of being a traditional mom. In fact, I really didn’t realize that my sadness, my negativity, my exhaustion was even related to my infertility and childlessness. I thought I wasn’t connecting with my students, as I was teaching at the time. I reached out to a colleague who told me about “Good Things,” which I decided to implement every Monday in my classroom…

Then came good things…

So, at the beginning of each week, every person in the room had to share one “good thing” that happened to them over the weekend. Every person meant I had to share, too. At first, I shared the same good thing with each class. As the weeks went on, however, I challenged myself to come up with more good things each Monday. Eventually, I was sharing six different good things—one for each class I taught.

And finally came joy despite . . .

And it happened. I found joy despite…

I found joy despite infertility.

I found joy despite childlessness.

I found joy despite the fact that I had no idea what Plan B was going to be…

I found joy despite the fact that I wasn’t ready to let go of Plan A…

I found joy despite the fact that I wasn’t ready to move on…

Yes, I found joy despite…

My Current Grief…

As those of you who follow along regularly know, I am currently grieving the loss of my best friend. She passed away one year and four months ago…

Recently, I realized that my grief has lessened. The tears don’t flow as often. And when they do, there aren’t as many. The heartache is more dull, less excruciating. The wobbles don’t happen as frequently and don’t last as long. And you know what? This made me sad.

You see, it seems my friend should be worth more than one year of grieving. It seems that if I really loved her and really valued our relationship, then surely more tears should be shed. Surely, my heart should still break.

And yet, I find myself smiling and laughing and enjoying my life. She isn’t here. And I’m still having fun.

And it dawned on me. I am once again finding joy despite…

Finding Joy Despite . . . (Again)

You see, the fact that I am not actively mourning each and every moment of each and every day does not mean that I did not love and value our friendship. It means that I have been forced to accept the fact that my beautiful friend is gone from this Earth. Never again will we speak this side of Heaven. I do not like this. I wish I could change it. But I cannot. And so, I must decide…

Do I mourn her, staying in full-blown grief until we meet in Heaven? Or do I let go, move on, discover Plan B, find joy?

As childless, we must make this decision, as well. Do we actively mourn the life we wanted, staying in grief each and every moment of each and every day? Or do we let go, move on, discover Plan B, find joy despite…

Oh, how I hope that each of us is able to find joy despite…

This Post…

Plan A…

You know, my original plan for this blog post was to discuss how you could share your “Good Things Story.” (I’m currently accepting submissions for the “Our Stories” section of the blog.) I was going to talk about why I chose the sunflower for the original picture (though I’ve decided to change the photo) and tell you how to submit your story. But then, “finding joy despite…” (which is similar to the tagline for Good Things Stories, “Finding Joy after Struggle”) came to the forefront of my mind. And I started thinking and typing and the blog above came to life…

Plan B…

I’m changing the name of “Good Things Stories” in 2020 to “Finding Joy Despite…” Honestly, I think it’s more fitting. I found joy despite because I found good things. But I am certain there are many different ways to find joy despite… Since Not So Mommy… began, others have shared their good things stories, telling how they found joy after bullying, depression, divorce, infertility, childlessness, PCOS, miscarriage, infant loss, premature menopause, anxiety, and endometriosis. (You can read their stories here.)

Our Stories: Finding Joy Despite . . .

Like “Good Things Stories,” “Our Stories: Finding Joy Despite…” will remain a place for all, fellow childless not by choice and those who support us, to inspire one another by sharing how you found (or are finding) joy despite struggle.

You might be wondering why I would have a place for non-CNBC to share their stories. You see, this blog is public. I know there are those who read that are parents who have also suffered miscarriage. There are others who are here because a loved one is battling infertility and they want to understand more. And there are even those who are here as traditional parents who have never suffered primary infertility, miscarriage, or infant/child loss, but want to show love and support for the fact that I am sharing my story. I know this because they have reached out to me…

I also know that, often, these people stay quiet because they want those of us in the midst of the battle, those of us trying to move forward, those of us seeking out joy despite childlessness, to have the prominent voice here. I find that beautiful and heart-warming and all things lovely…

But everyone has struggles. Everyone, at some point, has to find joy despite… And perhaps hearing how someone found joy despite infidelity or addiction or financial struggles may be the key to you finding joy despite childlessness.

So, “Our Stories: Finding Joy Despite…” is open to all who wish to share their insights about how we can let go, move forward, find Plan B, discover that elusive key to happiness, and live our imperfectly perfect lives, finding joy in the what is…