I talk a lot about perspective here at Not So Mommy… Looking at things in a different light has the potential to completely change your viewpoint. For example, I decided to look at the bright sides of my infertility rather than focusing on everything it had taken away from me. And last Christmas, I looked at aspects of the holiday that could be potential triggers for the childless and tried to put a different spin on them.
Different Perspectives Within Our Childless Tribe
From the perspective of infertility…
We each have our own unique perspective of the world. The more I connect with other childless not by choice, the more I realize how complex this journey really is. I became childless not by choice due, in large part, to infertility. Because of this, I write about the childless journey through that lens. Of course, I try to include aspects that all in our tribe can relate to, whether childless not by choice due to infertility, circumstance, or chance.
Recently, I realized that many believe that childless means you never had a child. In other words, childless means you’ve never been a parent. In fact, I often say that “we love the littles we never even met.” From my perspective, a woman who was never able to become pregnant, this is very true. And for many other childless not by choice, this statement is 100% fact. It is not true for all childless, however.
From another perspective…
What do I mean by this? How can you be childless if you had a child? Well, let’s think about the limitations of our language. Someone who loses a spouse is a widow or widower. A child who loses parents is an orphan. But a parent who loses his/her only child? There is no other word to describe that person other than “childless.” And childless not by choice? Well, I am certain that no parent wants to lose a child. So, childless not by choice definitely fits. Childless due to unfortunate circumstance. Childless due to chance.
And this childless person… The one who had the little (whether for a few minutes or a few years), their pain is no less valid than mine. It is no easier or no worse. It is something that I cannot fully understand because I have never experienced it, just as they cannot fully understand being childless because you were never able to have a kid. But we are both childless, nonetheless, and we both deserve to be accepted into this tribe, our feelings and experiences validated. For me, there is no place for arguing about who is really childless… (You can read more about this in “Childless by… We all need more support, less judgment” and “My childless journey is harder…”)
Embracing ALL perspectives…
I suppose I bring this up because our tribe is growing, as more people are beginning to speak out about their journeys. In order for our community to remain strong, however, we must remain united. We must accept the various paths, the unique stories, the different perspectives within our childless tribe. We must validate each other so that the world will (hopefully) follow our example and try to understand even a little about the complexities of the childless not by choice life.
Moving Forward…
A canbace perspective…
And when we are done grieving (well, at least most days) and are trying to move forward… Well, the limitations to our language used to pose a problem. Should we embrace childfree? Personally, that word never resonated with me. In fact, I have a physical, negative reaction when someone says that I am “childfree.” I’m not. (You can read more about that here.) And those who lost a child? Well, I don’t imagine “childfree” resonates with them either. So, we were stuck with the description of “childLESS.” That is until Nicci Fletcher created CANBACE. (Learn more about this amazing new affirmation for the childless here.) Talk about a good thing!
Of course, I have my own perspective about what Creating A New, Beautiful And Courageous Existence means to me. I’m excited to meet others embarking on their CANBACE journeys and learn about their different perspectives…
A Ribbon for ALL within Our Tribe…
And in an effort to support ALL who are walking the CNBC path, I created the olive green Childless Not By Choice Awareness Ribbon—a good thing, if I do say so myself! (Find out why I picked olive green here.) As with any awareness ribbon, you don’t have to be childless to wear it. (I mean, I wear the pink breast cancer awareness ribbon in support of my friend who is bravely battling; although, I do not personally have this terrible disease.) My desire is that the olive green ribbon will start showing up more and more. My wish is that it will become a symbol of hope for our tribe. A symbol that we are childless for many different reasons, but that we support each other on this journey and try to help each other as we redefine, as we create a new, beautiful and courageous existence…
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Finally, if anything I wrote resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
Click the image below to read Nicci Fletcher’s blog, “It’s OK to wobble”
Click the image to read Nicci’s post…
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1 comment
This is so important. We are all different. Different situations have led us to the point where we are Canbace or childless not by choice. All of those paths are valid. None of them are more important, more difficult or more traumatic than others. Pain is pain and loss is loss. We have become aware of the term “disenfranchised grief” in relation to the way that the wide world ‘s attitude towards people who are CNBC. However, we must be very careful not to disenfranchise the grief of someone who considers themselves to be CNBC even if their path to this point is different from ours and not one that we fully understand. We are stronger together and should avoid any fragmenting of the community depending on the reasons behind our stories.