Trigger Warning: Failed Infertility Treatments
A little over two weeks before my 30th birthday, we did our first infertility treatment, an IUI (intrauterine insemination). We were so hopeful. The timing was perfect, and I was super excited to announce our pregnancy at my Hello Kitty themed birthday party. Unfortunately, that’s not exactly how things turned out. Instead, our infertility storm grew stronger…
It’s my party, and I’ll cry if I want to…
One day before my 30th birthday, we found out that our first treatment had failed. I was crushed and could not stop crying (which was a problem, as I was a high school teacher and standing in front of a room full of students). Unwillingly thrown into a full-blow infertility storm, I was desperate to find some sort of joy so that my birthday wasn’t ruined. And that is when I found Psalm 107:26-30…
Psalm 107: A lifeline during the infertility storm…
They mount up to the heavens, they go down again to the depths; Their soul melts because of trouble. They reel to and fro, and are at their wits’ end. Then they cry out to the Lord in their trouble, and He brings them out of their distresses. He calms the storm, so that the waves are still. Then they are glad because they are quiet; so He guides them to their desired haven. -Psalm 107:26-30
As I battled our infertility storm, I clung to these verses, to the promise that God would guide me to my “desired haven.” For me, I was certain that meant He would bless us with a baby. It had to mean that…
Still my party, but I don’t want to cry…
But five years later, with our 10-year anniversary on the horizon, we were still in the midst of our infertility storm . . .
We were planning a huge ten-year anniversary celebration at my mother-in-law’s chapel, which my hubby had built. After showing a video with a photo montage, I planned to read Psalm 107:26-30 and then share some thoughts with our friends and family. But I didn’t…
I’m not sure why I decided against it. Most likely, it was because I wanted relief from our infertility storm. I wanted this day to be happy. Just one day without tears… But I came across these words in a journal and decided that it was finally time to reveal my heart…
Written by me, Brandi Lytle, way back in 2010…
I was at Mom and Jimmy’s church over the summer. Their pastor was talking about prayer. She said that you release prayers to God like a balloon and allow Him to do with them what He will.
Seven years ago, I sent up a prayer to God and asked Him to bless our family with a baby. In my mind, I expected the answer to that prayer to be allowing Dane and me to get pregnant. For some reasons that have been revealed and others that we still don’t understand, He closed my womb.
But look around at all the answers to my prayer. Don’t ever think that God has forgotten you and isn’t hearing your prayers. Look around. He just might not be answering them how you expected.
So, send up your prayer balloons to God and allow Him to do with them what He will, and may He guide you to your desired haven.
A new desired haven…
Seven years after finding Psalm 107:26-30 and three years after writing the words above, I came to the end of my infertility storm. It didn’t end because I finally got pregnant or because we adopted a little. No, it came to an end because I decided to let go. Calming the storm meant accepting a childless life. It meant finding a new “desired haven.” It meant facing my biggest fears…
And now, in year five of a childless life, I finally feel peaceful. I’m no longer at my wit’s end. I’m no longer in the midst of the storm. I am glad, and I am quiet. I have embraced my infertility, accepted my childlessness, and allowed God to guide me to my desired haven, a place of safety and refuge…
Fabulous one, I want this for you, too. So, I will continue to send up prayer balloons, asking God to guide you to your desired haven. I will release those prayers and believe that He will do what is best with them. Opening my hands and my heart and my eyes, looking forever upward to the Son…
If you are at your wit’s end and need someone to listen, please contact me.
If you would like me to pray specifically for you, please contact me.
If you simply want to say “hi” to a fellow childless warrior, please contact me.
Fabulous one, I don’t ever want anyone to feel alone on this journey. I am here. All you have to do is reach out…
Featured Photo: Spemone on StockSnap.io
3 comments
Thanking God for you and for your blog. It is so timely as I work on simply letting go. I had never noticed these verses quite like that before. And never did I consider there to be a haven on this childless journey. Thank you for your faithfulness.
Thank you for your sweet, sweet words, Angela! I am so grateful that my words and the verses I shared resonated and gave you a different perspective. I call that a “God Thing.” I have been amazed at how He has brought the right people to Not So Mommy… at just the right time to receive just the right words. Hugs to you…
A desired haven, beautifully written and speaks volumes.