To the Childless, Why did you give up?

Thank you for being a voice for people like me, who are not ready to share their story. I’m still too fragile to say the words out loud.

I’m in tears after reading this. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. My husband and I have only been trying for a few years, but suffered a miscarriage at 6 weeks in April 2019 and a missed miscarriage and D&C at 10 weeks in February 2020. It was my work’s busy season, which was followed by the beginning of the pandemic, working from home, my company going through a merger, uncertainty of having a job, being kept on and offered a raise but having to learn everything online with a new boss that is in Florida (who I still haven’t met in person), and then in mid-May my cat being attacked and taken in the woods to never be seen again by a coyote. Her brother also went missing for three days but thankfully returned. I don’t recall crying about either miscarriage. My husband is the soft one in the relationship. But that day my cat was taken – and the three days after – I could not stop CRYING. I really let it out. And part of me wonders if some of that was for the baby. I don’t think I was able to cry about the baby specifically because I had to be strong – I still feel like I have to be strong about it. I cry about it by myself. For the months that followed we just couldn’t think about a baby at all. Finally in Sept. we went back to our fertility clinic and did our complimentary counseling session and follow-up appt. with our doctor. I was physically shaking through both Zoom calls as they started pushing us towards IUI and IVF due to my age (I’m 41). We agreed to do Letrozole for 4 months and started dreaming of the twins we were going to have. Even came up with names. But nothing happened. After 3 months I decided to drastically clean up my act – saw a naturopath, cut out alcohol, cut out sweeteners, cut out yeast and most wheat, cut out most dairy and caffeine, started exercising consistently 5 days per week, getting lots of sleep, drinking lots of water, taking the “everything but the kitchen sink” approach to supplements that could help… I started forcing vitamins on my husband, telling him to cut back the drinking, and even made him literally chill on the super hot nightly baths (one of his favorite things). But while I’ve been doing everything I can think of to prepare us for the moment that it’s finally going to happen… I think my husband has been disconnecting from the whole thing. Every month he asks me when I’m fertile and I tell him which days. It always feels like he jumps the gun and wants to mess around early – and I hear myself say the worst things, like – “save it for this weekend when it counts” or “not yet”. And then when it really is “go time” there is always some preoccupation or excuse. And then when that window vanishes… he wants to mess around again. It’s been 3 months of that. The night before last I had my LH surge and tried to get it on… I was told no, he was tired, let’s do it tomorrow. Last night I tried to get it on and he finally opened up that he is too scared after losing the baby and doesn’t think he has it in him to go through that again. He said he’ll always want kids with me and wants to try, but can’t do the obsessive approach. I’m an overachiever OCD do things until they are done and done properly type of person… he is not. I am competitive and driven and he is aloof. If something doesn’t happen for him, so be it. It wasn’t meant to be. My mind has been racing all morning – do I continue to try and get pregnant secretly?! Do I go back to enjoying coffee and wine? Do I stop obsessing over the pee sticks? What about all of the $$$ I’ve poured into doctor’s appointments, eating up my HSA? Is he right? What will our life be like without the kids we’ve been dreaming about for the last 6 years? I think he suspected I was upset this morning and suggested we finally get another little girl cat. I brushed it aside, and then he insisted we are getting a new little cat. Is my destiny as a fur baby mama only?! This is not something I can accomplish alone obviously, so it’s foreign territory for me. Usually with enough determination I can accomplish anything. But not this. My husband is only 34 and last night said something like “I don’t have to stress over having a baby because I’m only 34… I’ve got plenty of time.” I got furious – because I don’t! He promised over and over I’m what’s important and that he would never leave me for someone younger just to have a baby. But still the comment stings. All that said (sorry maybe this was more cathartic for me than interesting to anyone else) – I’m curious how you eventually made your decision? Did you read anything that was helpful? Did you watch something? What was your thought process? Letting go seems really challenging and really appealing… I’ve sort of been leading a dual life of doing everything right but wondering what the hell is the point? Anyway – thanks for having this space available to share and learn from each other. The one good thing to come out of all of this is that I realize so many women go through the same things, and not talking about it is such a disservice to all of us. So thank you again for openness.

Thank you for this post.
My husband and I have gone through five unsuccessful rounds of IVF and right now we are discussing not going back for a sixth. For me it is partially because I can’t stand the thought of another transvaginal ultrasound or egg retrieval. The latter has been particularly painful for me. For my husband it is also that he wants our life together back. We have had ten wonderful and happy years together before we started trying to have a child and for the last three to four years our relationship has revolved around becoming parents. Needless to say those years have not been the best. The first time we looked at each other and both said that maybe it was time to let go, was the best I have felt in years. And yet I’m so afraid that we will regret the decision we are about to make. Nearly everything in me tells me it is time to let go but it is so frightening. How do you know that you’re ready to let go?

Thank you for this post. It really hit home. For me, after 12 years of a very similar life, my husband decided he wanted a divorce. It put such a strain on our marriage.

Around the time I got remarried 6 years ago, I started having more issues that I struggled with until a few weeks ago when I ended up having a hysterectomy. During my recovery, I’ve been reflecting on my journey and just as you’ve said, it wasn’t something that I just gave up on. I’ve had to let go. Pregnancy was something that was not meant to be.

It’s like you are in my head. I want to print your blogs and hand them out like fliers when I get asked for the millionth time about adopting or someone says, “Don’t give up. I just know you’ll be a mom.” It’s not just other people judging me, I’ve been wondering for the past couple years if I’m not as good or strong a person as I thought I was bc I’m not sure how much longer I can try and I don’t want to do IVF or adopt for both financial and personal reasons. Your words help to ease my inner struggle just a little.

Exactly. The pain each spouse feels when they aren’t comfortable with an avenue and the other is, the conversations for years about “are we doing more damage than good?” Everything in your life being measure in 2 week chunks for years and years. The trauma of an unsuccessful attempt. The hardest part was letting go and moving on. Changing the way we saw our lives. New future, new roles, and where to find all the pieces of ourselves that scattered through the process to put us back together. There’s nothing easy about deciding it’s time to move on.