Is it a story of weeds or flowers? | Childless Blog

Wobble Warning: Discussion of infertility, “p,” and childlessness… Wishes, weeds, flowers, judgments, setting boundaries, and more…

Recently, I wrote a blog about setting boundaries. On the day I typed out that post, I was feeling strong. On that day, I knew I had made the best decision for my mental and emotional well-being. I needed to set firm boundaries. And I needed to stick with them.

Starting to Wobble…

After only a few short days, however, my resolve was weakening. I was beginning to question whether I should really cut contact completely with this person. The overwhelming peace I had felt was slowly being overtaken by doubt and anxiety.

As I battled to keep this wobble at bay, fabulous ones were sending me words of encouragement. Though they didn’t even realize I was facing a wobble. They simply knew that I had shared my heart about the end of a tumultuous relationship, about having to set boundaries with a person whom I was quite close with when I was younger…

Battling the Wobble…

Despite the support shown by this incredible community, the wobble was threatening to turn into a full blow attack. So, a cup of tea was in order.

As I prepared my cuppa, I read the inspirational saying on the tag, as I always do. And I found this little gem…

The difference between a flower and a weed is a judgment. -Unknown

Now that is a profound insight!

Got to Thinking…

And that insight got me to thinking…

Weed or Wish?

When I started blogging, I shared the “Is it a weed or a wish?” question. My goal at Not So Mommy… has always been to look at things with a different perspective, to redefine, to find the bright sides, the joy despite… As I thought critically about “a weed or a wish,” however, I realized that this question no longer fits. At least, it no longer fits for me.

You see, I don’t need a wish.

I no longer wish that I wasn’t infertile or that I could get pregnant or that I could have a little

Now, what do you mean by that, Brandi?! Didn’t you really want kids?!

Yes, I really did want kids.

What I mean is…

I have accepted that I am infertile. Heck, I even say I’ve embraced my infertility!

I have gone through menopause. Wishing that I could get pregnant… Well, for me, that’s just a waste of energy.

And as for the little…

At 44-years-old, I no longer wish for a little. If I’m going to wish for anything, I wish that our infertility treatments worked all those years ago. If they had, we’d be raising a teenager right now. But like wishing I could get pregnant, wishing that those treatments had worked is a waste of my energy.

Because my infertility and not being able to get pregnant and not having a little… Well, that’s not going to change. Ever.

So, I don’t need a wish.

Weeds or Flowers?

But is it a weed or a flower…

Now that, I’d like to ponder…

I have chosen to see flowers in my life rather than weeds. For example, if I wasn’t infertile, then I never would have met so many beautiful souls within this fabulous community. If I had been able to get pregnant, I wouldn’t be a voice for the childless not by choice. If I had a little… Or a teenager living at home… I wouldn’t have the time to devote to calling friends weekly or writing a blog or cooking for our fur baby or sending cards via snail mail or decorating our home top to bottom for every season or caring for my husband in such detail that he doesn’t even have to put a K-cup in his coffee maker…

Well, I don’t think I’d have time for these things. Because when I let my mind wander about what it would be like…

Oh, let’s not go there. Let’s keep looking at the flowers…

And all these thoughts brought me back to the rigid boundary I set last week. The boundary that I am not going to have contact with this person. The boundary that I am going to put my well-being first.

Oh, that sounds narcissistic.

A Villain?

I wrote in my blog, On Being Childless: Setting Boundaries, “I am the villain in this person’s story. . . . And I have to be okay with that.”

Problem is, I was starting to not be okay with that. I was starting to feel narcissistic.

And then the insight…

“The difference between a flower & a weed is a judgment.”

They see weeds…

So, this person sees weeds. Decisions I’ve made regarding our infertility—weeds. People I love & care about & consider family—weeds. Me, myself—a big ol’ ugly narcissistic weed.

That is this person’s judgment.

I see…

My judgment?

Difficult decisions I had to make regarding letting go and moving on—those are some scrappy flowers that fought to bloom in some deep crap!

Family I’ve created through hosting and embracing my dog mom role—those are some unique and vibrant flowers that bring much joy to my garden!

Me, myself, and I…

Oh, I am quite a flower. I survived despite darkness. I developed some thorns for protection. And yet I remained soft enough to welcome others to bloom beside me. I discovered the sun. But when the rain falls, I turn my face towards the storm. I welcome the nourishment of crap thrown my way. And I learned to thrive through it all…

So, while others may see weeds and wish to pluck me from their gardens… My judgment, my perspective… Well, it’s quite different.

I am in no way, shape, or form a weed.

I am a gorgeous (PINK) flower…

How about you, fabulous one? What’s your judgment about this life you’re living? Weeds or Flowers . . .