I thought that I was past the worst of my grief. The tears, the wobbles, the heartache was less… I even had a beautiful May (which is no small feat while living a childless life.) During May, I focused my energies on providing support for our childless community. I redefined and determined that I would have a wobble-free May 12. And I did.
I made it!
When June arrived, I breathed a sigh of relief. I made it through the most triggering month of the year!
Until…
And then…
June brought a new wave of grief. Well, at times, it felt more like a tsunami, with grief crashing over me again and again and again. This grief is not caused by my childless life, but rather by the fact that I miss my best friend.
In May, I was so concerned about our childless grief that I guess I sort-of forgot about my personal grief…
So, I turned to music…
As I have processed these emotions, frustrated with feeling that I’m not as far along on my grief journey as I thought, I’ve turned to music. Music has a way of penetrating deep within our souls, evoking powerful emotions, healing a wounded spirit…
So, radio blaring, I sing. At the top of my lungs.
And what songs do I belt out while alone and trying so desperately to move through the grief and find my way to the light again? Well, here are some of my faves…
My Childless Life Soundtrack…
I’m Letting Go, by Francesca Battistelli
Francesca Battistelli is one of my absolute favorite Christian singers. I love all of her music, but “I’m Letting Go” speaks to me, as a childless woman. In fact, I sang this song at my hubby and my ten-year anniversary celebration. As I sang, a power point with photos of our puppies, nieces, and nephews played. A full three years before I finally realized we would indeed live a childless life, I sang these lines from Francesca Battistelli’s song…
I’m letting go of the life I planned for me and my dreams.
I’m losing control of my destiny.
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe…
To listen to “I’m Letting Go,” click here…
You Say, by Lauren Daigle
I find “You Say” an extremely empowering song. I was listening to it when I did my first unassisted bomb drop in my aerial dance class. And when I sing this song, I love to close my eyes and feel the Spirit move. My favorite line is…
You say I am strong when I think I am weak.
To listen to “You Say,” click here…
Who You Say I Am, by Hillsong Worship
The Sunday after my beautiful friend went to Heaven, I attended her Church. While there, we sang “Who You Say I Am,” by Hillsong Worship (one of my friend’s favorite Christian bands.) In that moment, as I closed my eyes, lifted my hand, and praised the Lord, I felt so close to my friend. You see, I imagine she was singing the same song, but in the presence of our Lord. And that realization brings overwhelming emotion, both a deep sadness that she is no longer with us on this Earth and a joyous celebration that we will meet again in Heaven…
To listen to “Who You Say I Am,” click here…
The Breakup Song, by Francesca Battistelli
I always say the name of this song is “Fear.” Because fear is talked about a lot in the lyrics. I have turned to “The Breakup Song” often during my most recent grief journey. Singing it makes me feel stronger and braver than I am. It makes me believe that I can do anything… That’s why I chose to create my first aerial choreography to “The Breakup Song.” I’ll perform it in September in honor of my friend.
To listen to “The Breakup Song,” click here…
A brief intermission…
Before I talk about the last song that I’ve been listening to a lot lately, you’ve probably noticed that, so far, every artist I’ve mentioned is Christian. Because music is so profoundly powerful, I want to listen to songs which uplift and motivate my spirit. So, I often listen to contemporary Christian music. In the car, if I’m not jammin’ to my personal playlist, I’m listening to HIS Radio. Because of this, I am frequently unaware of new, popular, secular songs. Luckily, my best friend’s twin told me about this next song. I listen to it on repeat… (Though I must warn you about a possible trigger.)
Circle Game, by P!nk
My best friend loved music. One of my fondest memories is singing karaoke in her garage on Saturday nights. So, when her twin asked if I’d heard “Circle Game,” which is by one of my best friend’s favorite artists, I knew I had to give it a listen. What I didn’t expect was to fall in love with this song…
So many of the lyrics are empowering… There is one possible trigger near the beginning of the song, however. She sings, (Trigger Warning) “I’ve got a little girl of my own…” Now, when I sing this, I think of my best friend’s little. But I know that for the childless not by choice, there is a possibility that this line will cause pain. And yet, I’m still telling you about this song. Why? Because the chorus… The chorus is so profound.
In the circle game,
No one ever stopped to say
Soon it’s gonna change
It all just goes away.
Count your lucky stars that
You had a chance to play
In the circle game…
How these words remind me to embrace life and live it joyfully. Because we just never know…
To listen to “Circle Game,” click here…
Our Childless Life Soundtrack…
I’m not the only one who turns to music for strength and encouragement. Fellow Not So Mommy… community members suggested these tunes as the ones they turn on to make a bad day just a bit better…
- Betters Days, by Hedley
- Burden Down, by Micar
- Fight Song, by Rachel Platten
- Good Life, by OneRepublic
- This is Me, by Keala Settle
What song do you think we should add to our childless life soundtrack, fabulous one? Tell us about it in the comments!
Subscribe to my email and never miss a post…
Featured Photo: RachelH on StockSnap.io
9 comments
“Drive” by Incubus would go nicely on this list. The chorus goes: Whatever tomorrow brings I’ll be there with open eyes and open arms….
My go-to songs are:
‘Seasons’ – Hillsong (we went to Sequoia National Park to play this there because this was such an anthem for years of infertility and no job direction – and we live in the UK! – “Till the barren is beautiful”)
Raise a Hallelujah’ – Hillsong
‘Lay it all down’ – United Pursuits
‘Do it again’ – Elevation Worship
‘Take Courage’ – Kristene DiMarco (“He’s in the waiting”)
The words in all of them give me the boost I need to trust again. 🙂
Thank you for sharing these empowering songs!
Undefeated, by Incubus
I listen to this when I feel the weight of infertility getting heavy and it reminds me of what I’ve come through and I’m still here.
I love the meaning this song has for you! I’m grateful you have somewhere to turn when the weight feels too much…
I’ll give the song a listen! 🙂
Absolutely love all things danny gokey. Hope in front of me, tell your heart to beat again, rise, and especially chasing. Knowing his testimony of losing his wife to cancer and also relating to the roller coaster journey ive been on in the last 8 years i so relate to these songs and all the ones you have mentioned. Alsi a huge fan of matthew west. Both are christian singers. I have sang these songs happily through them and also cried through them through very difficult times. Love praise you in this storm and others you mentioned. Will have to listen to pinks circle and the incubus song havent heard those. You can find all of dannys songs i mentioned on youtube. Chasing is one that isnt on the radio. Totally worth a listen.
Well Done by The Afters
Praise You In The Storm by Casting Crowns
“Praise You In The Storm” got me through some tough times when we were in the midst of our infertility battle. Thank you for reminding me of that powerful song!
Thanks for these recommendations. I love “Best Days” by Lissie it’s so uplifting and positive and reminds me to keep moving forward even in tough times.