During the introduction to this year’s Childless Holidays Series, I wrote that some say HOPE stands for “Hold On, Pain Ends.” While on the surface, that might sound good, I truly believe there has to be more to life than that! To simply endure until the pain finally goes away? To me, that sounds utterly exhausting.
So, I decided to redefine…
First, that means we must find hope–what it truly means, what it truly is. In order to find hope, I believe we must be Honest and Open about our struggles. In other words, the H in HOPE stands for Honest and the O stands for Open.
Now, if I’m going to ask you to be honest and open about your struggles, then I must take my own advice. So, I am going to share an article I wrote for The Childless Not By Choice Magazine, in which I talk about the struggles I’m dealing with this holiday season.
Note: This article was originally published in the November/December 2018 edition of The Childless Not By Choice Magazine and is being republished here with permission.
My “Thriving at Christmas” Article for The Childless Not By Choice Magazine
I love the holiday season. For me, it begins around mid-September when I pull out boxes of pumpkins and start decorating for fall. The Christmas Trees (yes, multiple trees) get put up the weekend before Thanksgiving, and the music, movies, and holiday drinks are in full swing at our house by then. In mid-January, I finally acquiesce that the season has come to an end, packing and storing all the decorations until the next September when it all begins again…
Because I love the holidays so much, I was saddened last year when talk of “surviving Christmas” began buzzing through the childless not by choice community. To me, December is one of the most beautiful times of the year, and I did not want the childless to miss out. After all, we already miss out on enough…
Finding joy in childless holidays…
So, I made it my mission in 2017 to help our childless tribe find joy in childless holidays. Taking traditional Christmas customs, such as Rudolph and Santa Claus, I looked at them with a different perspective. (I mean, Mr. and Mrs. Claus are childless, after all!) Discussing various ways to be a family, finding the bright sides to a childless Christmas, and exploring how the childless can truly embrace a calmness in this season helped some (hopefully many) in our tribe to begin and take back the holidays…
As another holiday season approaches, I should be anxious with positive anticipation, enjoying the cooler temps and looking forward to the joy that these months bring. Unfortunately, I find myself subdued, battling the grief of losing my best friend of 37 years in mid-September. Rather than decorating with my pumpkins, I was looking at a grave decorated with flowers…
More than survive. Let’s thrive…
So, writing this article—sharing my perspective about how to thrive at Christmas—well, I’ve been struggling to come up with the words. I expressed this to my husband, telling him that I hadn’t even been able to start drafting an outline. I simply didn’t know what to say, what advice to give… And he told me, “Well, you could just be honest. Just write about how you are really feeling.”
A weight was lifted, as I realized that I don’t have to pretend. I don’t have to give the perfect advice about how to have the loveliest of holidays. I don’t have to hide the struggles that I am currently battling. No, I simply need to be authentic.
So, how am I going to do more than survive this holiday season—the first holiday season without my best friend, a holiday season in which I will be grieving? How am I going to find joy? How am I going to thrive?
Thrive by trying…
Well, I’m just going to try. I’m going to try and find joy, embracing beautiful moments with friends and family. When the sadness creeps in (or possibly overwhelms), as I have no doubt it will, I’m going to allow myself to feel that pain, rather than punishing myself for not being positive all the time.
Because thriving at Christmas does not mean you have to be constantly happy. It does not mean that you can’t take a moment to grieve the Christmas you wanted but can’t have. It does not mean you have to ignore the complex emotions that swirl inside…
Permission to smile…
No, thriving at Christmas means you know that joy is possible in the midst of grief. It means that you allow yourself to envision what you wished for; however, you don’t get stuck in the pit. You feel the sadness, you shed tears if you need to, and then, you allow yourself to live the what is. You give yourself permission to be happy despite…
Smiling, laughing, and living life joyfully does not mean that your sadness, your grief, your love over what you lost, what you wanted, is not real. On the contrary… Smiling, laughing, and living life joyfully actually means that you love what you lost, you love what you wanted, so much that you will live your best life in honor of that.
On a personal note…
My best friend who passed away in September… She is one of three best friends that I am blessed to call family. The four of us girls grew up together. We have been through every life event together. And we always take pictures at these occasions!
So, this December, we are going to take photos. The three of us who are still on this Earth are going to wear stocking caps—pink, green, and yellow. And we are going to have a purple hat to represent our friend who is now in Heaven because her favorite color was purple. I imagine every time we take a group photo, we will have something purple for our beautiful friend… Tears glisten in my eyes and I smile slightly as I think about this.
The purple hat…
The purple hat is how we will acknowledge our grief, while also finding the joy. It is one way my friends and I will thrive this Christmas. The purple hat will allow us to continue a tradition, while making necessary (albeit unwanted) adjustments, as we learn to navigate our new reality…
To thrive this holiday season, you have to discover what your purple hat is. How can you acknowledge the life you wanted, the littles your heart desired, while also finding joy in the childless life you are living? How can you honor your littles (whether they were taken too soon or have lived only in your heart) by living life joyfully? How can you make the necessary (albeit unwanted) changes to your perspective to embrace a holiday without littles?
Try…
Remember that all you have to do is try. Try to embrace the sadness and the happiness. Try to figure out new traditions. Try to change your perspective and embrace the beautiful, complex, messy, blessed life that you are living. Try to do more than survive. Try to thrive…
Back to HOPE…
Because I have given myself permission to honest and open about my struggles, I believe I will find hope this season. I pray that you are able to do the same, fabulous ones.
Fabulous one, if anything I wrote resonates with you, I’d love to hear about it in the comments…
Please, join me next Wednesday, 28 November to discover what the P in HOPE really means…
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Featured Photo: Ylanite Koppens on StockSnap.io
4 comments
Hello, I am reading you from Hungary. I lost my brother in law in last October during my Ivf process, so this will be the 2nd Christmas without him. It still pains and not easier. Life is not fair. I would give everything if I could save from this pain my husband and my laws. Thank you for this post.
First, I am so sorry for your loss. I am grateful that you found my blog and that this post resonated with you. I pray that you find some hope this season. Hugs…
I’ve been through alot in my life, a whole host of things as well as my PCOS and not being able to have children and each day I try to think of something positive and something to be thankful for. Maybe how pretty the sky is, or the shape of the clouds.
I think it’s the little things in life that get you through it.
When you go through a trauma or a loss of a family member of friend, each time you look at different things to keep you going and keep you positive.
I think people like us are truly blessed because we take time to notice these small things in life that get us through. Alot of people go through life not noticing them and it’s such a shame.
Your blog is wonderful and the idea with the purple hat/colour is beautiful. I’m sure your friend will be looking down from heaven watching over you all, enjoying that your still remembering her and in such a special joyful way ♡
Thank you so much, Michelle! Your image of Jenno looking down from Heaven while we are taking our photos made me smile and tear up all at once! I will remember that she is with us when we are taking out pics…
And you are right–we are truly blessed that we can see the good in the little things and focus on that despite life’s difficulties.
I pray you have a beautiful Christmas season this year! Hugs!