SENSITIVE POST WITH POSSIBLE TRIGGERS: Real talk from a childless aunt…
When I discovered that July 26 is Aunt & Uncle’s Day, I was so excited to dedicate this month to all the amazing aunts and uncles who love unconditionally. Of course, I realize that not every childless woman is an aunt. Many childless (like me), however, do redefine through their aunt role. And this childless aunt perspective is something I wanted to explore…
Childless Aunt Perspective . . .
As I started posting about being a childless aunt on Facebook and Instagram, a few who are not aunts commented. Honestly, I was grateful that these women were brave enough to be vulnerable, brave enough to remind the world that not all childless women are childless aunts. These fabulous ones reminded me to explore the childless aunt perspective more fully, more deeply. Because of that, I wrote the following in one of my social media posts…
Just as parenthood has highs and lows, so does aunthood. While I want us to celebrate our role, I don’t want us to idealize being an aunt. As with any authentic relationship, there are “good” parts and “bad” parts… -Brandi Lytle, of Not So Mommy…
The above thought came to me as I pondered some statistics that I was sharing…
A Report on PANKs…
A 2018 study conducted by Melanie Notkin Media, Inc., with Michael DeCicco, revealed that 89% of those surveyed thought being an aunt was even better than they expected. Now, I wondered how many of those asked were childless NOT by choice. According to what I read in the report about the study, “Nearly half of PANKs (49%) are childless by circumstance. Most expect, hope or had expected to have a child but the majority remain single, or were single during their fertile years.” (You can read GENERATION PANK: A Report on the Social & Economic Influence of PANKS – Professional Aunts No Kids by clicking here.)
Other statistics that I found interesting from the above study were…
“… while many PANKs (83%) feel appreciated by parents, only 28% feel appreciated by society in general for the meaningful role they play in children’s lives and the family-village.” (Read more here.)
Good, Bad, Power, Problems…
While being an aunt is one of my greatest joys, there are struggles with being a childless aunt. In fact, the blog post with the most views at Not So Mommy… is entitled just that–“The Problem with Being a Childless Aunt.” (You can read that post here.)
But there is also power in being a childless aunt. I wrote a blog about that, too. (You can read it here.) Fellow childless blogger, Mali (of No Kidding in NZ), recently commented on my “Childless Aunt Love” post. She agreed with my assertion that being an aunt isn’t the same thing as being a childless aunt and gave the link to a post she had written on “[t]he joy of being an aunt.” Much of Mali’s post resonated with me, but none more than this line…
…we [childless aunts] can put ideas in their heads that make them see the world differently. -Mali, of No Kidding in NZ
YES! One of the things I am proudest of is sharing my childless aunt perspective with my nieces and nephews, of helping the kids in my life “see the world differently,” as Mali puts it. (You can read Mali’s full post here.)
By Heart & By Fur…
And for those who are thinking that this simply does not apply to them because you have no blood nieces or nephews nor any by marriage, I adore that some are mentioning their “nieces and nephews by heart,” as one Not So Mommy… community member put it. Yes, some fabulous ones “collect” kiddos—whether that be through friends, distant family relations (like second cousins), or… Personally, I have nine “nieces and nephews by heart.”
I also adore that fabulous ones are mentioning their fur nieces and fur nephews. That childless aunt perspective really makes me smile! (And makes me think of my fur niece, Priscilla!)
Love and family are truly so much more complicated than by blood or by marriage, than put-it-in-this-box-with-this-finite-definition.
Some Final Thoughts…
As for my childless aunt perspective . . .
- Yes, being an aunt is even better than I expected.
- Being a childless aunt is also harder than I expected, too.
- I do feel appreciated (most of the time) by my kiddos’ parents.
- But much of the time, I do not feel appreciated by society.
So, there are both problems and power in being a childless aunt. And I believe it is extremely important for we childless aunts to accept the “good” with the “bad” in order to keep our childless aunt perspective real.
For more about keeping it real, read “Perspectives on Life: Positive, Negative, And, But…” here.
If anything I wrote resonates with you, fabulous one, please tell us about it in the comments.
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2 comments
I needed to read this today. I am childless by marriage, and we always felt very close to my nephews. They are grown now and while they are lovely and polite, and I think of them all the time, we no longer have the same relationship. I am not understood by their family, and they don’t know the reason I don’t have kids. There are often comments about my selfish or carefree life. I try to overlook these kinds of comments or comparisons to other, better women this family knows. When I bring up a cherished memory from the past, they often don’t remember. It’s extremely painful for me, but of course the kids have no reason or intention of hurting me. I am unsure of how to deal with this and tend to pull away from the family so that I won’t have to feel the pain, which of course, makes me less engaged than I would like to be. I try to remind myself that relationships evolve, and that to love kids unconditionally means to take responsibility for your own feelings and avoid showing hurt. But there is nowhere to turn when you feel like this. So thank you, and thanks also for the reminder of all the joy. I still have those memories even if they don’t.
Linda, thank you for bravely sharing your truth. My heart aches with you that your family makes ignorant, hurtful comments. And I am sorry that your nephews don’t remember the beautiful moments you spent with them. I am grateful that you still cherish those memories, knowing that they will forever be in your heart. Sending you so many hugs…