Bumps and Bruises: The Journey from Childless to Canbace

We joke in my aerials class that bumps and bruises are a good thing. They mean that you have tried something new, that you are pushing yourself, that you are expanding your comfort zone. So, when I noticed a cluster of small bruises on my thighs and another on the top of my foot, I smiled.

After three years of classes, I am definitely pushing myself as I prepare for my first ever performance. It’s scary to think that a room full of people will be watching as I complete four minutes of choreographed aerial dance moves. Two of the movements are still quite bumpy… And that makes me nervous. Because if I miss one of the transitions I’m struggling with, I’m going to be on the ground and get behind as the music keeps on playing…

But I still have several weeks to master them. I am determined to push past my fears, practice hard, and perform despite the butterflies that will inevitably be fluttering around in my stomach. Because I know I’ll be proud when I actually do it. Performing has been a goal of mine since 2016…

As I contemplated all of this, I thought about my infertility and childless journey. Fellow childless not by choice have reached out to me after reading my blog, asking how long it took me to get to this place of acceptance. Some of them just aren’t sure that they will ever make it…

Well, you must remember that I am 15 years into this journey. There have been a lot of bumps and bruises along the way…

Trying to Conceive and Blissfully Unaware

Our journey began way back in 2003. We had been married for 3 years and thought it was the perfect time to grow our family. So blissfully unaware, we truly thought we’d get pregnant quickly and have a baby in no time. That’s not quite how it worked…

Infertile and Still Trying

Two years later and still no pregnancy, we decided to see an infertility specialist. An HSG, laparoscopic surgery to confirm endometriosis, and six months of medical menopause later, we were told that we had “severe infertility.” Talk about a huge bump. That bit of news bruised us big time.

But we decided to keep trying. Seven rounds of IUI, a trip to Missouri to see about mini-IVF, a clinical trial, several adoption meetings, tons of research, and countless tears later, still no baby. I cannot begin to explain the number of bumps and bruises we hit during those eight years…

Infertile and Childless

And then, at the end of 2013, the biggest bump of them all hit. My hubby said he didn’t want to try anymore. I felt like the wind had been completely knocked out of me. I was so bruised that I wasn’t sure I could recover…

But I did. I faced my fears of a childless life, set a New Year’s Resolution to accept the life I’d been blessed with, and pushed forward way outside of my comfort zone…

And then, I would wobble, I’d second-guess, I’d cry and worry and look back… Was I positive I wanted to accept being childless? Was I sure I wouldn’t regret not continuing to try? Man, that was a bumpy first year…

Infertile and CNBC – Creating a New plan Bravely & Courageously

Ultimately, I knew I had made the right decision to live the what is with my hubby. Looking back didn’t help anything. Despite some bumps and bruises along the way, I had to keep looking forward. So, four years after deciding to try and accept being childless, I realized that I was now creating a whole new plan for my life. Redefining momhood, redefining me…

Infertile and CANBACE – Creating A New, Beautiful And Courageous Existence

Just a few weeks ago, Nicci Fletcher created a new affirmation for the childless, CANBACE. (You can read more about that here.) And I am now entering what I truly believe is the last phase on my journey… Albeit a phase that I imagine will last the rest of my life, no doubt with its own set of bumps and bruises…

I’ve embraced that I am infertile woman. I know that we will never get pregnant and that we are childless. I also know that I am a dog mom and a host mom, which I believe makes me a real mom. I’ve spent time redefining momhood for myself, figuring out who I am… So, I’ve done more than simply create a new plan… I’m creating a new existence. And that’s what CANBACE is all about. As Nicci says, “It’s more than a label. It’s a lifestyle.”

And it only took me 15 years to get here…

Embrace the bumps and bruises . . .

To those who wonder if they will ever make it, I say this…

Embrace the bumps and the bruises. Realize that the uncomfortable means you are growing, you are trying, you are pushing yourself. If you never feel the butterflies in your stomach, never push past the fear, never get out of your comfort zone… Well, you will never discover what you are truly able to accomplish.

I could have insisted that we keep trying. I could have refused to accept that I would lead a childless life. But I would have missed so much…

Embrace the bumps and bruises, fabulous ones. Because they really are a good thing…

If you’d like to learn more about my journey from childless to canbace, check out the following blogs by clicking below:

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Part 1 of the “Not So Helpful” Series begins this Wed, 25 July, looking at some of the not so helpful advice that the childless receive…

Featured Photo: Steve Johnson on StockSnap.io

2 comments

Sherry July 23, 2018 - 2:12 pm

I remember a little girl not showing fear when her gymnastics coach always put her first in balance beam competition. She was brave then, and now? I can’t even express in words…..