Being Childless & Striking the Perfect Pose

Wobble Warning: During this post, I speak candidly about the childless not by choice journey, plus the grief & wobbles that accompany it. I use “going to a little’s party” as an example. Though you might wobble while reading, I truly believe you will feel quite empowered by the end. Maybe you’ll even be ready to try & strike your perfect pose! But please, only read if you are feeling strong enough…

Lately, I’ve been talking about the fact that I’ve entered a new stage of my journey. A stage that I call “Beyond Childless.” It’s an empowering stage… I feel more confident, more secure, more free to be my authentic self… There are fewer wobbles and a lot more joy… But this did NOT happen overnight. And I fear that some who are just entering the childless not by choice life may feel they should “get over it” and move past the grief—like, now. Well, that’s just not going to happen. To demonstrate what I mean, I’d like to share a story about the lengthy process it took to capture my most recent favorite aerials pose… A pose I call “perfect.” (And I don’t use that term lightly.) So, let’s chat about striking the perfect pose…

Striking the Perfect Pose . . .

Not too long ago, we started learning a new move in aerial sling called the half-cross back switch out. Long name, kind-of complicated move with a rather complex set up. Week one, I did NOT get it. Like, my brain couldn’t even wrap itself around the set up. So, I just put that move on the back burner and did poses that I felt confident about.

I told my coach that I wanted to start with the half-cross back switch out pose during the next class. So, after stretching, plus doing a grip warm-up and some core drills, I watched her demonstrate this move and gave it a try—again. And this week, it was slowly starting to click. So, I asked my coach if I could videotape because I was afraid that I’d run out of energy by the end of class.

Take 1…

On my first take, my coach had to run over and help me in the middle of the move. I ended up doing a double hook, which made it more complicated to dismount from the move. At the end of the video, I look utterly exhausted.

I took a short break. And I tried again.

Take 2…

On the second take, I was trying so hard not to double hook that I didn’t hook my knee at all. So, I just came completely out of the pose—prematurely. This video includes an exasperated look and some eye-rolling. I mean, seriously! You’re not going to hook your knee if you never bend your knee. Good grief, Brandi!

So, I took another break. And I tried again.

Take 3…

On the third take, with a bit of guidance from my coach, I got it! She was so excited that she exclaimed, “Yaaaaay!” I dismounted and went to watch the video. That’s when I figured out, I hadn’t actually recorded me doing the move. I forgot to flip the camera and recorded the back wall. Are you flippin’ kidding me?!

So… I took yet another break. And I tried again. (Insert eye roll emoji)

Take 4…

On the fourth take, I finally got it! And the camera was facing the right direction! Woohoo! My coach still had to give me a bit of guidance, but I got it! No double hook. Actually remembered to hook. And recorded. I got it! And I hung out in that fabulous pose for a bit, playing with shapes and hand placement and arm movements. And I captured this perfect pose…

Seriously, I adore this screenshot! First of all, my outfit for this class was on point! It took me years to wear a crop top sweatshirt with high-waisted leggings. I mean, yeeeeeears. (Because of my endo belly. But that’s another blog.) The toe point. The tiny bit of skin showing on my back. The booty. 😊 And my arms and hands! YES! I never know what to do with my arms and hands. I was actually emulating something another classmate does, which I always LOVE in her screenshots. And it worked! Woohoo! Woohoo! Woohoooooo!

Now, what you don’t see in this fabulous still shot is the slow progression I made to get into this move, including a ridiculous face as I struggled to turn towards my knee at the beginning of the set-up. You don’t hear the instruction and encouragement from my coach. You don’t know that it took me FOUR takes to get this one perfect shot. Actually, I’ve been practicing aerials since 2015, so it took me over eight years to get this perfect shot!

Why do I tell you all this?! Well, numerous reasons actually…

Insights about the Childless Journey…

Insight #1…

One… It’s okay to say, “I’m not ready to do that yet.” Remember that I told you during week one, this move just didn’t click. So, I skipped it. I did other moves that I felt more confident about. So…

If you aren’t ready to go to the little’s birthday party, skip it. Do something that makes you feel empowered instead. There might come a day when going to the party is okay. But it doesn’t have to be today. I mean, recently, I held a little. And I never thought that would happen without a wobble! (You can read about that here.)

Insight #2…

Two… It’s okay if you try and it doesn’t turn out perfectly. On my first take, I double hooked my knee. I mean, I still got into the move, just not exactly right. And it was a bit harder to get out.

Maybe you decide to go to the little’s party. And maybe you shed a few tears or have a bit of a wobble. That’s okay. You do not have to be perfect. You are trying. Be proud of your efforts!

Insight #3…

Three… It’s okay if it’s an epic fail. On my second take, I didn’t get the knee hook at all. Which means I didn’t get into the move at all. I just came right out of it and ended up back on the ground.

Perhaps you go to the little’s party and a HUGE wobble hits, you hide in the bathroom crying, and have to leave the party as quickly as possible because you just can’t. That’s okay. You are grieving. Embrace those emotions. Don’t label them as “bad” or “negative.” They are healing. You are healing.

Insight #4…

Four… It’s okay if you find success that is only seen by a few. On my third take, I got it! I know I got it. My coach saw me get it. But it wasn’t captured on video. Yes, that’s a bummer. But it doesn’t diminish the fact that I completed that move!

Maybe you go to the little’s party and you make it through without any tears, without a wobble. And no one seems to notice. Please, do NOT allow that to diminish the absolutely phenomenal thing you just accomplished! Just because others don’t get the colossal strength it takes for a childless woman to make it through a little’s party (or a baby shower or whatever other function it might be) does NOT mean it isn’t monumental! Pat yourself on the back. And tell another childless warrior about your accomplishment. I promise she will cheer for you!

Insight #5…

Five… Please, please, please, do NOT compare yourself to others! Let me say that again… No Comparing! There was another student in class working on the same move. She got it the first try. After practicing numerous other moves, she recorded a sequence at the end of class. Compared to her, my “perfect pose” that I got after practicing the same move all class doesn’t seem quite so perfect. But it is…

Maybe somebody else just entered a childless life and going to a little’s party causes her no grief, no tears, no wobbles. She thinks it’s fun and loves embracing the joy of the moment. That is awesome for her. It doesn’t mean that you making it through 30 minutes of the party before needing to leave because you feel a wobble coming on isn’t awesome, too. Don’t compare yourself.

Insight #6…

Six… I do encourage you to emulate others, however. Especially if they do things that you find empowering, phenomenal, fabulous… I told you that I adore my arm placement and hands in this photo. Normally, I do not. But I tried to mimic what I’ve seen another classmate do because I always love her arms and hands in her still shots. And emulating her worked!

Maybe another childless woman shares how she makes it through the little’s party without a wobble. And maybe you really, really, really want to go to a little’s party. So, you try out her strategies. Maybe they work for you! Woohoo! Even if they don’t, please remember everything we talked about in this blog. (Re-read above, if you need to…)

Insight #7…

Seven… Do you. Cry when you need to. Laugh when the mood strikes. Roll your eyes. Get exasperated. Try again! Smile. Take guidance from others. Don’t compare. Emulate. Be fiercely and passionately proud of the life you are creating. And when that perfect moment happens… Grab hold of it and bask in the beauty! Because those perfect moments… Striking that perfect pose… Well, it’s flippin’ fabulous!

Hugs, fellow warrior. So many hugs…