Beyond Childless: Boudoir, Bloom, Beach

Wobble Warning: As is typical, I speak candidly about the childless experience (my childless experience) in this blog. I mention back-to-school and infertility, among other things. My goal is to leave you feeling empowered. Depending on where you are on your journey, however, you might wobble as you read my thoughts on boudoir, bloom, beach… Please, remember—wobbles aren’t necessarily bad. But they can be painful. So, I want to give a gentle warning that this post does contain possible triggers.

Not So Mommy… is turning 6. As I considered what I wanted to write to celebrate this blogiversary, I kept coming back to three words–Boudoir, Bloom, Beach… Those three words describe my summer as a beyond childless woman. If you’ll indulge me, I’d like to tell you what I mean…

So, my first thought…

Boudoir…

In June, I participated in a boudoir shoot with the incredibly talented Kadie, of Second Star Creative. This was my second boudoir photo experience. February 2022 was my first. Just over a year ago, I chose shirts and shoes and hosiery and dresses and jewelry to wear. Just over a year ago, I had a full face of make-up with eye shadow and lipstick and more. This time, however…

This time, I took one sheer dress and a couple of pairs of cheeky panties. The only jewelry I wore was the toe ring I wear when we go to the beach. And my make-up was light and dewy. I covered less. I smiled more. And I felt beautiful and empowered and bold and brave and fearless.

The images Kadie captured are magnificent. My endo belly definitely shows in some of the photos. But my new mantra is, “Embrace the curves—both in my body and in life…” I mean, my body is not perfect. My belly pooches, I have varicose veins in my legs, a rather ugly mole under my right arm, and age spots on my decolletage.

Yes, my body is flawed.

But it’s also fabulous.

That belly…

That belly… Well, it’s a sign of an endo warrior. Of a body that fights a chronic illness daily.

That mole…

That mole and those age spots… Well, they are a sign that I’ve lived. I’ve worked many, many hours in the sun tending to the flowers in our yard. I have spent hours and hours walking around cities, exploring them with Dane and Maddie and our exchange daughter, Bruna. I’ve also spent hours and hours on the beach, basking in the sun and saltwater with my love.

Those veins…

And those varicose veins in my legs… Well, those legs have carried me through the deepest grief, the most excruciating pain, the overwhelming sadness… They’ve also walked me through the brightest joy, the lightest feelings, the unadulterated happiness…

And that brings me to my next thought…

Bloom…

I have practiced aerial dance since 2015. It is one of my favorite things because I feel so completely myself when I’m in the silks. At the end of July, my coach performed in an annual movement arts show called Bloom. Women and men from various walks of life come together in Charlotte to showcase aerials, bellydance, burlesque, fire arts, and more. Dane and I have attended this event several times, and it never disappoints.

This year, during the break between the all-ages daytime and adults-only nighttime shows, we went to dinner. As we walked throughout this quaint downtown, I noticed a gorgeous, purple petunia in bloom–growing in the crack between the sidewalk and a brick wall. And I had to take a photo. Because that petunia… Well, she found a way!

And that got me to thinking about myself… About we fabulous childless women… And childless men…

We find a way!

I mean, we find a way! In the stark barrenness, surrounded by a harsh and unyielding environment, we find the tiniest sliver of sustenance and we find a way to bloom…

Because we are seriously badass.

Because we are finding a way to become beyond childless…

And that brings me to my final thought…

Beach…

At the beginning of August, as much of the world was preparing for back-to-school, I was preparing for a beach vacay for Dane and me. A vacay to an adults-only resort. A vacay to rest and relax and rejuvenate.

And I realized. I do not feel one twinge of pain or sadness or disappointment that I’m not preparing for back-to-school. I don’t feel one twinge of grief that I don’t have a little (or not so little) heading off to class.

Instead of packing bags with school supplies, I’m packing suitcases with bikinis. No shopping for pencils and notebooks and binders. Nope! I’m in search of books to read while lounging in a palapa. Worrying about getting everyone back into a “normal” routine? Uh… NO! I’m preparing for five days of completely relaxing bliss!

The beach and the adults-only vacations that Dane and I take have truly become a hallmark of our “beyond childless” life. Travel—especially travel to adults-only resorts in tropical places—is a true bright side after the horrific infertility battle we fought.