As told to Brandi Lytle
SENSITIVE POST…
As with so many in the Not So Mommy… community, I first connected with Barbara via technology. Though we have never met face-to-face, I consider her a friend, someone who understands the journey… Before I turn it over Barbara, however, I must forewarn you…
She’s the infertility sister who got what we all want… What makes us happy for her, but sad for us…
But please, don’t stop reading! Barbara’s heart for the infertile, for the childless not by choice… Well, she remembers the struggle. She is a lovely example of how the infertility, childless not by choice, and even parenthood communities can overlap, intertwine, support one another…
Yes, women supporting women. That’s what this space, “Finding Joy Despite…” is all about. So, please, if you are feeling strong enough today, read on… I think you will find Barbara a beautiful soul…
Trigger Warning: Barbara discusses her infertility journey, including mentions of TTC, infertility treatments, and “p,” including ectopic & loss. Also, remember the caution above. Barbara is an infertility warrior, but she is no longer childless.
How Barbara Found Joy Despite…
Why had you lost your joy? What struggle and/or difficulty were you struggling with?
I always believed I would have kids when I was ready. I got married at 36. Knowing that time was somewhat limited, we immediately began TTC. Being proactive, we saw a fertility specialist who removed a fibroid from my uterus, recommended IVF, and sent us on our way. I never felt comfortable with IVF, for various reasons. Plus, we wanted to try for a year on our own.
On my 37th birthday, I was elated to discover I was pregnant, but it ended up being an ectopic pregnancy. Nothing seemed crueler than having to consent to a surgery to remove that little beating heart that appeared perfectly normal–with the exception of its location–but it is impossible to make an ectopic pregnancy viable.
A year later, shortly before my 38th birthday, I had another positive test. It turned out to be a false positive.
On my 39th birthday, we decided to consult a (different) fertility specialist. He was willing to work with us, and we decided to try IUIs with injectable drugs–all out of pocket. The first one resulted in spontaneous ovulation, so it was a wash. The third resulted in a blighted ovum and a DNC the day before my husband’s birthday.
It was March 2019–five months before my 40th birthday–and I knew it was time to let go. After four long years on this unforgiving rollercoaster, we were done.
How did you find joy despite this struggle?
At this point, I was left sitting at the bottom of a mountain of grief that I had neither the mental nor emotional energy to tackle. I was angry, bitter, and exhausted. I didn’t know where to begin, but I knew I needed to make some big changes, so I quit my job and decided to spend a little time recharging and figuring out what was next. My husband and I tried to focus on the many blessings we had–financial security, the family we had made for ourselves, and our love of travel. I was dedicated to making the most of every moment and activities that we could do as a childless couple. Though I can’t say that I found joy, I was working on acceptance and feeling gratitude for what we had.
I had learned a lot about grief during this journey. I also learned a lot about who shows up when you are at your lowest, and, because of that, I have built a smaller, stronger circle of people. My husband and I did not grieve our losses in the same way, and I wasn’t sure after the ectopic if our marriage would make it. But we became stronger and developed a closer, deeper relationship than I think we would have had without any adversity.
Unfortunately, I also discovered that there are a lot of women working in women’s healthcare that are not sensitive to/supportive of other women. They are not trained to work with women who’ve had losses, despite the fact that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in loss. Because of this, I have learned to speak up and advocate for myself and others.
After joining an online support group for ectopic pregnancies, I was invited to become an admin, which gave me a small circle of amazing new friendships, and the opportunity to help others.
What would you like to say to others going through the same struggle?
For me, this experience has been so humbling. I no longer believe in karma or that things happen for a reason. I do believe that pregnancy loss, fertility, your vision of the future, your idea of what you contribute, your legacy to the world are all valid things to grieve—and each adds a layer to your grief, which should not be underestimated. Most importantly, you have the right to grieve all these losses–no matter what others think. Also, try not to be too hard on yourself wherever your journey takes you. Mine did not end as I expected.
Trigger Warning. However, you really see Barbara’s heart here…
This birthday, I announced that I was 12 weeks pregnant. But it came with terror rather than joy–and a strong feeling of survivor’s guilt. I knew I had gotten lucky and was no more deserving than anyone else in the CNBC community. I also knew that even if successful, I would go to the grocery store and wonder who had to turn the other way when they saw my belly, just as I had for years. Being pregnant has been isolating, too. I felt like an imposter in every group I was involved in–I had neither a child, nor was I completely childless either.
So, just know–there are those of us out there who somehow “won the lottery,” but we aren’t skipping away with glee. We still acknowledge that you may be angry and bitter, and that’s okay. And, if it helps to know, many of us realize your pain and choose to make announcements and move through the world as sensitively as possible.
My message to you, Barbara…
Oh, Barbara. These last words make my heart ache. And not because you got the little and I didn’t. But because I hope you are able to fully enjoy this amazing little you have been given. I am so grateful that you haven’t forgotten the struggle. I am so appreciative that you love we childless enough to worry about how we feel. But I also want you to embrace this unexpected ending, proudly and fiercely living your life as a mom—an infertility warrior who is no longer childless, a woman with a beautiful heart, an amazing soul, an empathetic spirit. Please, do not think yourself an imposter. You are bravely speaking your truth. And I am beyond honored that you chose to do so here. You will always be welcome at Not So Mommy…
If anything Barbara wrote resonates with you, please tell her about it in the comments.
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Fabulous one, won’t you inspire others & share how you found joy despite struggle? Click here to find out how…
Featured Photo: Created by me, using Canva
