Sensitive Post: I talk about my belief in God, the Bible, prayers during our struggle, and a story from Luke about Zacharias and Elizabeth. While my relationship with the Lord brings me comfort, I know that “religious” things are triggers for some.
Grief snuck up on me recently. I recognized that all-to-familiar ache in my heart. Before long, tears welled in my eyes and quietly rolled down my cheeks. And that painful, unanswered question sprang to mind, “Why?”
Why did my beautiful friend have to get an aggressive type of breast cancer and pass away at age 40? Why didn’t God heal her? I prayed. I prayed specifically. I asked Him to heal her on this Earth and to give us at least 40 more years together.
But you know what God said to me? He said, “No.” He didn’t even give me 40 more months with my friend. And I miss her. And I want to talk to her. And I don’t understand.
During Our Infertility Battle…
When we were going through our infertility battle, I did not realize that the crushing ache deep in my chest was grief. I felt the pain. I cried the tears. I questioned, “Why?” I prayed, and I waited.
At first, I prayed for God to “please, bless our family with a baby.” And my sister-in-law got pregnant. (You can read more about that here.)
Hahaha. Very funny, God. You knew what I meant!
So, I changed my prayer. I specifically asked God to please allow me to get pregnant. Honestly, I begged Him to let Dane and me have a biological child of our own.
And you know what He said? He said, “No.”
A lack of faith? A lack of God?
Some believe that infertility and childlessness are due to some great sin, some lack of faith, some lack of prayer. Others decide that no loving God would ever allow such awful things to happen. So, they figure that life must be random.
Sometimes, God says, “No.”
Personally, I disagree with both. A Not So Mommy… community member said it best– “Sometimes, God says, ‘No.’”
Remember in Bruce Almighty when Jim Carrey got to play God for a little while? He said, “Yes,” to every prayer, thinking that would make everybody happy. Quite the opposite happened, however.
So, I figure that sometimes God has to say, “No.” For the life of me, I can’t figure out why He had to say no to healing my friend… But I have to accept that I will never understand everything this side of Heaven.
And why didn’t He allow me to get pregnant? Well, I’ve rationalized that in my own mind. I like to believe that I was supposed to have an extra special relationship with my nieces and nephews, be an over-zealous dog mom to Maddie, be a host mom to Bruna, and an advocate for the childless community. Perhaps it’s just a coping mechanism, but it works for me.
We are not being punished…
Whether my “reasons” for being childless are true or not, I do know one thing for sure. I am not being punished for some great sin or lack of faith. Let me say that again. We childless are NOT being punished by God.
When my hubby and I were in the midst of our battle, we had an incredible pastor. One Sunday, he preached about Luke 1: 1-7. He explained that the cultural tradition of the day believed that a couple with no child equaled sinful. Our pastor said this simply could not be true because Zacharias and Elizabeth, who were “righteous” and “blameless” before God, had no child.
As I listened to him preach, I wrote this in my Bible…
“God is in control. Just because I can’t have a baby does not mean God doesn’t think I can handle it.”
I believed this truth then, and I believe this truth now. With all my heart.
Now, those of you who know your Bible may be thinking, “Yes, but Elizabeth went on to give birth to a child.”
That is true. And that is why I agree with, “Sometimes, God says, ‘No.’” Other times, He says, “Yes.” (Thank goodness!)
My point, however, is this. If someone tells you that you haven’t gotten pregnant, haven’t been “blessed” with a child, because you need to pray more or have more faith, I want you to say this:
Sometimes, God says, “No.”
Believe the truth.
Do not allow anyone (including yourself) to cause you to doubt the power of your prayers or the power of your God.
I wrote this in my Bible on 23 September 2012, nearly nine years into our infertility battle.
“I may not feel like I have enough faith, but I pray to a living, listening God. And I know in whom I believe.”
Just because He says, “No,” doesn’t mean He isn’t listening…
Yes, we pray. But sometimes, God says, “No.”
Fabulous one, if anything I wrote resonates with you, please tell us about it in the comments…
If you would like to connect with other Childless Christians, please click here…
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