As told to Brandi Lytle
If you are a regular here at Not So Mommy…, you know that the last Monday of every month, I share a community member’s story. Normally, when someone shares her (or his) CNBC story, s/he answers the questions I’ve asked here. But Holly took a different approach…
Because CNBC Stories at Not So Mommy… are not only Childless Not By Choice Stories, but also how we are Creating a New plan Bravely & Courageously, I think it’s okay that Holly put her own spin on sharing. You might even say she took a different perspective and redefined the CNBC Story to fit her journey. (Very “Not So Mommy…,” if you ask me!) So, I decided not to try and fit Holly’s Story into the “normal” format that I typically use. Instead, I’m just going to let Holly share what’s on her heart, in her own way…
The Perspective of Holly . . .
After infertility struggles and multiple miscarriages, my husband and I are better people for it.
Wow. I cannot believe I thought those words, let alone typed them; however, I do believe them to be true. Don’t get me wrong–we were good people five years ago! Since then, we have not only become stronger in our relationship, but have become more thoughtful and make less assumptions about others. Why, you might ask? We don’t know their story.
You don’t know our story. Some people know parts. Others know more. But mostly, you don’t know our story. I’m using this blog to share some of our story, but mostly to educate others.
We have tried to encourage & educate people to have a different perspective of infertility than they did before. That’s all we ask–Be considerate and thoughtful and try to gain an understanding of this difficult situation. This approach could truly apply to any topic in life!
There are multiple ways that I’ve tried to educate people.
Trigger Warning: Holly discusses insensitive comments and questions, giving her responses and insight…
Said directly to me:
Insensitive Question #1
“You two don’t want kids anyway, do you?”
Hmmm. We do… We did… And we always will. Not quite sure how to answer that one. You don’t know our story. I shared a bit of our story with the person who asked/assumed.
Insensitive Question #2
“Have you considered adoption?”
I’m still not exactly sure how I feel about this question. Part of our story is yes, we did. We attended classes and gathered (a lot of) appropriate information. In the end, it was a heart-wrenching decision that this was not the right path for our family.
Insensitive Question #3
“Why did you buy a bigger house for just the two of you?”
You don’t know our story. We are approaching moving as a new chapter in our lives together. Our childless not by choice lives. We would trade our new house for living in our less expensive, smaller house with a child in a split second, but that is not our reality.
I’ve heard the following:
Insensitive Question #4
“I can’t believe a family would only have one child. How could they not give that child a sibling?”
You don’t know their story. Perhaps that one child is their miracle who almost wasn’t conceived.
Some Final Thoughts from Holly . . .
I have worked very hard in my therapy considering the difference between accepting something and being okay with something. I’ll NEVER be okay with our situation and not having children. I am working towards acceptance of this new reality.
Be thoughtful. Be kind. Ask questions. Don’t assume. Gain a better understanding of where a person is coming from. You don’t know someone’s story. Perhaps if you show interest, ask thoughtful questions or are just kind in general, they may share part of their story with you.
Holly, THANK YOU for being a strong voice for our amazing tribe! I am so grateful that you trusted me and this community enough to share your truth. Your thoughtful perspective is the perfect way to wrap-up May 2020. Sending you so many hugs…
If anything Holly wrote resonates with you, fabulous one, please tell her about it in the comments.
Want to inspire others? Please, consider sharing your CNBC story! Click here for more information.
The following series may also resonate with you… “Not So Helpful: Things You Shouldn’t Say to the Childless”
Subscribe to my email and never miss a story!
Do you appreciate the work I’m doing here at Not So Mommy…
Featured Photo: Created by me, using Canva