God, Why won’t you let me be a mom?

by Brandi Lytle
Photo of an empty swingset on God, Why won't you let me be a mom? Childless Blog on Not So Mommy...

I recently met someone who is struggling hard with her infertility.  She told me that she just can’t understand why God put this desire for children in her heart if He isn’t going to bless her with any.  Sadly, she thought it might be because He knows she would be a terrible mom.  Wearily, she asked me, “Did you ever feel this way?”

Tears rolled down my cheeks and my heart ached as I thought back to my dark days.  During that time, I was in the pit of despair and just couldn’t seem to make sense about what was happening to me.

Why won’t you let me be a mom?

I remember sitting on the bathroom floor, legs tucked up against my chest, arms wrapped around them, rocking back and forth, sobbing, and groaning, “Why? Why, God?  I just don’t understand!  WHYYYYYY?”

And I heard nothing.  I felt no comfort or peace.  He was silent.

So, I thought it must be me.  I didn’t have enough faith.  I didn’t believe enough that He could allow me to get pregnant.  I just needed to trust more.

Will I be a terrible mom?

So, I tried.  But the thoughts that I might never get pregnant and never have a baby kept entering my mind.  And then, I thought, “What if He knows I’d be a terrible mother?”  What if God was saving me?  What if He didn’t want me to discover how awful and selfish and inept I would be at mothering?  What if He closed my womb on purpose because I’m just not cut out to be a mom?

With the help of my hubby, I pushed those thoughts from my mind.  I was a loving mom to our fur babies and a wonderful aunt to beautiful nieces and nephews.  I was a high school teacher and an excellent one at that.  There was no way that I would be an awful mom.  There had to be another explanation for God not allowing me to get pregnant.

Then, why?

But I didn’t know what that reason could possibly be.  And so, the question, “Why?” kept torturing me…

For ten years, we tried to have a baby.  We did infertility treatments and checked into adoption and prayed and wished and hoped for a baby.  I was still ready to fight, but my hubby said he didn’t want to try anymore.  And I was crushed.

But I couldn’t imagine my life without my husband, so I resolved to accept my life as it was.  I was a mom to our fur baby and a Tia to our nieces and nephews.  My husband and I had (still have) an amazing life together.  All of that should be enough.

But the desire to have a child did not go away.  What did change was the thought of not having one no longer crippled me.  I had grieved, my heart was beginning to heal, and I could look to a future without our own kids without panicking.  But still, it seemed that something was missing…

Finding answers at a cooking class…

And then, we went to a cooking class where we met the lady who would help us host a foreign exchange student.  And it finally all made sense.

For me, I truly believe that God closed my womb because I was supposed to be Bruna’s host mom.  She was the missing piece.  Since finding her, my heart no longer has a void waiting to be filled.  I don’t ask “Why?” anymore.  I know why.  I had to wait for Bruna.

I never expected my prayer for a child to be answered in the form of an exchange student from Brazil.  But that was His answer.  And His answer is absolutely perfect for us.

Not all understand the unexpected answer…

Unfortunately, not everyone believes this.  In fact, I have received harsh criticism from two family members, telling me that claiming Bruna as family is crazy.  One went so far as to say that I need “psychological help to accept my infertility like an adult.”  After these critical words were spoken, I faltered, wondering if I was creating an illusion in my mind.

But I realized (with some help from my amazingly supportive hubby) that no one can judge my feelings, my love for Bruna.  I know that she is my kid, her Brazilian parents have accepted us as Bruna’s American parents, her extended family welcomed us with open arms when we visited, and 99% of our family has accepted Bruna completely.  I will not allow a few rude comments to spoil the gift that God has given me.

Open your heart, mind, ears, eyes, and soul…

Now, I’m not saying an exchange student is the answer to every childless woman’s dream of being a mom.  Each of us has to find our own way.  But I am saying that God does answer prayer.  He doesn’t always answer as quickly as we want Him to, and His answer may look differently than we expected.  But if we will open our hearts, minds, ears, eyes, and souls to the unexpected, we may just find the perfect answer that we have been searching for…

 

“They mount up to the heavens, they go down again to the depths; Their soul melts because of trouble. They reel to and fro, and are at their wits’ end. Then they cry out to the Lord in their trouble, And He brings them out of their distresses. He calms the storm, so that the waves are still. Then they are glad because they are quiet; so He guides them to their desired haven.”
Psalm 107: 26-30

 

But why is pain a part of His plan?  Click here for my thoughts…

 

Featured Photo:  James Frid of StockSnap.io

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11 comments

Judy Nandhay April 4, 2020 - 10:34 pm

It’s hard every month , timing everything perfectly only to be let down, I’m finding it difficult to cope , I’m getting older and time has become my enemy, my heart is breaking but there is nothing I can do, I wish I didn’t have this never-ending ache, I feel helpless.

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Brandi Lytle April 6, 2020 - 12:23 pm

Judy, I am so sorry that you are struggling, battling immense grief and heartbreak. I remember the helplessness all too well. In light of the global pandemic currently going on, I’ve been feeling helpless again. Unfortunately, I’ve found that my worries over coronavirus are being magnified by triggering emotions from my infertility battle.

I say these things not to make you feel worse, but to remind you that your feelings are valid and no doubt overwhelming right now. There are those, like me, who get it. You are not alone. Feel the feels and reach out, as you have done. If you need a listening ear, please comment, email, find me on social media… Though I can’t fix anything, I can send you hugs. I can let you know that there are those, like me, who made it through the heart-break to the other side. I know you can, too…

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Ali G November 7, 2019 - 4:57 pm

Just found this article and it really resonated with me. I’m 40, married with no kids. My husband and I have made several half hearted attempts for children to no avail. We are both on the fence about even wanting them but there are moments when I feel that desire. We also have fur babies, four of them. We also have many nieces and nephews near us that we are building relationships with. I too work with children and spend a lot of time with these kids. Perhaps I have already found my calling, my “kids”? I ask these questions almost daily: will I be a mom? Should I start obsessing about it and maybe I’ll get pregnant? Am I disappointing my parents by not making them grandparents (that is a big one)? Will I be alone when I’m old?? This huge “IF” is a bit of a torment. I can’t commit fully to a childless life but afraid to reach for a different life. I feel I would be happy either way. I also feel that “someone” is coming, much like your student. I have this sense that God has plans for me and I just have to be patient. I had a dream this year that someone placed a disabled baby in my arms and I wept and hugged it because I knew I was waiting for this baby. It was a very real feeling. What does it mean? Thanks for your article.

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Brandi Lytle November 8, 2019 - 11:12 am

Ali, thank you for trusting me and the Not So Mommy… community enough to share your heart, your truth… The questions can definitely torment. So, we have to do what we feel is best with the information we have. That being said, like you, I always felt that our family was a bit incomplete–just me, my husband, our fur baby, nieces, nephews… Our exchange daughter was the missing puzzle piece. She completed our family in an unexpected way. I actually had a dream about a little girl with curly brown hair and brown eyes when we were in the midst of our infertility battle. I truly believe this was a dream about Bruna. So, perhaps your dream is letting you know that there is a little who has been chosen for you… I suppose all we can do is be open to allowing God to work in our lives, be open to His plan. Sending you so many hugs…

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Linda June 26, 2019 - 3:32 pm

So why does He make it easier for unmarried women to get pregnant?
That’s what I want to know !

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Brandi Lytle June 26, 2019 - 3:51 pm

I can feel your anger and your hurt, Linda. I’m so sorry that you are struggling. Though I do not have an answer to your question, I believe that God truly does have only good things in store for us. Unfortunately, we cannot see the full picture… A preacher of mine once said, “We are looking at the wrong side of the rug.” (I explain what that means more in this blog – http://notsomommy.com/teaching-blogging-listening-to-god/ ) I also know that we live in a fallen world that is full of sin. There is pain and sadness. There are things that are unfair. And yet, the only way I have found it through, the only way I have been able to discover the bright sides and find joy again is by leaning on God. I do hope you find peace. So many hugs…

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Linda June 26, 2019 - 11:29 pm

We won’t find peace in this world as long as there’s WAY too much out of wedlock sex and births are running out of control ! And He allows WAY too many births while others HAVE TO GO TO FERTILITY TREATMENTS !

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Brandi Lytle June 27, 2019 - 11:54 am

Again, I can feel your anger, Linda. And I am so sorry that you are struggling. And again, I say that we live in a fallen world full of sin. Free will has caused a multitude of problems. For me, personally, I have found that leaning on God and trusting His plan brings me peace. I also realize that I will never fully understand everything this side of Heaven. Thus, I do not have all the answers–simply faith.

Please, remember that I am childless not by choice, too. And my husband and I reached this stage after 7 rounds of infertility treatments, watching numerous family members have littles (some out of wedlock). This is a safe place to share… We must try to be kind with each other’s feelings, however.

As I said in my last response, I do pray that you find peace and joy. God can handle your anger and questions, so talk to Him… Sending you hugs…

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Sherry April 25, 2018 - 2:22 pm

Bruna is God’s gift to you and our entire extended family. Pure and simple. Anyone who can’t see that is indeed blind of both eye and heart.

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Lucy April 25, 2018 - 12:36 pm

I find this a brave post, and I honour your making sense of your experience. I think that sometimes the answer to “why?” is also “because” or “why not?”. For me, there’s something about accepting the arbitrariness of life and the hands we are dealt that enables me to grow my heart and my capacity for compassion. Because horrible stuff happens everywhere, all the time (as of course does beautiful stuff), and no-one “deserves” the bad or the good. It’s what we do with it. Ad this post offers us an insight into the good you have grown from your situation. Thank you for sharing it.

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Brandi Lytle April 25, 2018 - 1:27 pm

Thank you, Lucy.

You are right that we each have to find a way to accept, grow, and move forward. Although what works for me won’t work for everyone, my hope is that by sharing, I can help others begin to process, to accept…

I appreciate your support. It’s always a bit nerve-wracking to really put your heart out there. But this community is so lovely, and ladies like you really do help me to feel validated. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Hugs…

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