I recently met someone who is struggling hard with her infertility. She told me that she just can’t understand why God put this desire for children in her heart if He isn’t going to bless her with any. Sadly, she thought it might be because He knows she would be a terrible mom. Wearily, she asked me, “Did you ever feel this way?”
Tears rolled down my cheeks and my heart ached as I thought back to my dark days. During that time, I was in the pit of despair and just couldn’t seem to make sense about what was happening to me.
Why won’t you let me be a mom?
I remember sitting on the bathroom floor, legs tucked up against my chest, arms wrapped around them, rocking back and forth, sobbing, and groaning, “Why? Why, God? I just don’t understand! WHYYYYYY?”
And I heard nothing. I felt no comfort or peace. He was silent.
So, I thought it must be me. I didn’t have enough faith. I didn’t believe enough that He could allow me to get pregnant. I just needed to trust more.
Will I be a terrible mom?
So, I tried. But the thoughts that I might never get pregnant and never have a baby kept entering my mind. And then, I thought, “What if He knows I’d be a terrible mother?” What if God was saving me? What if He didn’t want me to discover how awful and selfish and inept I would be at mothering? What if He closed my womb on purpose because I’m just not cut out to be a mom?
With the help of my hubby, I pushed those thoughts from my mind. I was a loving mom to our fur babies and a wonderful aunt to beautiful nieces and nephews. I was a high school teacher and an excellent one at that. There was no way that I would be an awful mom. There had to be another explanation for God not allowing me to get pregnant.
But I didn’t know what that reason could possibly be. And so, the question, “Why?” kept torturing me…
For ten years, we tried to have a baby. We did infertility treatments and checked into adoption and prayed and wished and hoped for a baby. I was still ready to fight, but my hubby said he didn’t want to try anymore. And I was crushed.
But I couldn’t imagine my life without my husband, so I resolved to accept my life as it was. I was a mom to our fur baby and a Tia to our nieces and nephews. My husband and I had (still have) an amazing life together. All of that should be enough.
But the desire to have a child did not go away. What did change was the thought of not having one no longer crippled me. I had grieved, my heart was beginning to heal, and I could look to a future without our own kids without panicking. But still, it seemed that something was missing…
Finding answers at a cooking class…
And then, we went to a cooking class where we met the lady who would help us host a foreign exchange student. And it finally all made sense.
For me, I truly believe that God closed my womb because I was supposed to be Bruna’s host mom. She was the missing piece. Since finding her, my heart no longer has a void waiting to be filled. I don’t ask “Why?” anymore. I know why. I had to wait for Bruna.
I never expected my prayer for a child to be answered in the form of an exchange student from Brazil. But that was His answer. And His answer is absolutely perfect for us.
Not all understand the unexpected answer…
Unfortunately, not everyone believes this. In fact, I have received harsh criticism from two family members, telling me that claiming Bruna as family is crazy. One went so far as to say that I need “psychological help to accept my infertility like an adult.” After these critical words were spoken, I faltered, wondering if I was creating an illusion in my mind.
But I realized (with some help from my amazingly supportive hubby) that no one can judge my feelings, my love for Bruna. I know that she is my kid, her Brazilian parents have accepted us as Bruna’s American parents, her extended family welcomed us with open arms when we visited, and 99% of our family has accepted Bruna completely. I will not allow a few rude comments to spoil the gift that God has given me.
Open your heart, mind, ears, eyes, and soul…
Now, I’m not saying an exchange student is the answer to every childless woman’s dream of being a mom. Each of us has to find our own way. But I am saying that God does answer prayer. He doesn’t always answer as quickly as we want Him to, and His answer may look differently than we expected. But if we will open our hearts, minds, ears, eyes, and souls to the unexpected, we may just find the perfect answer that we have been searching for…
“They mount up to the heavens, they go down again to the depths; Their soul melts because of trouble. They reel to and fro, and are at their wits’ end. Then they cry out to the Lord in their trouble, And He brings them out of their distresses. He calms the storm, so that the waves are still. Then they are glad because they are quiet; so He guides them to their desired haven.”
Psalm 107: 26-30
But why is pain a part of His plan? Click here for my thoughts…