My new path of embracing infertility wasn’t an easy one to trek, however. Just when I had a firm footing, something (or someone) would come along and knock me off balance.
“You post too many pictures of Maddie. It’s unhealthy.”
That was a wonderful comment made by someone who I thought loved me.
And when I wanted to have a birthday party for Maddie….. Well, I got made fun of and ultimately, Dane & I celebrated by ourselves with our fur baby because my hubby doesn’t make fun of me for dressing her up and buying her gifts and taking a million photos.
But the comments made by others are nothing in comparison to the internal battle that goes on within one’s own mind. The devil has a way of attacking us at our weak points. And he grabbed hold of me one day and convinced me that I did want to have a baby and that pain in my heart was there. Again.
And it just so happened that I was at work when this struggle occurred. And my principal walked into my classroom as I was trying to focus and grade papers. She asked if I was okay. Mind you, this was my first year at this job and I didn’t know this woman very well. I did know she was strong and no nonsense and I didn’t want to appear weak in front of her, though. But she seemed genuine in her concern and I needed to talk to someone. And so I told her. As I cried, I told her that I wanted to adopt a baby, but that my husband didn’t want to have kids.
She listened. And then she asked me this, “Well, would you rather have a husband and no baby? Or a baby and no husband?”
I had already thought about this before, which I told her. My answer was quick and I was sure. I would rather have a husband and no baby.
“Well,” she said, “then you have to let it go. You can’t keep thinking about having a baby. You have to let that go.”
Those words resonated and they changed my perspective. Whenever the devil starts whispering lies to me, I shake my head and remind myself that I do not have to have a baby for my life to be complete. I remind myself that I am a dog mom to Maddie and a Tia to three beautiful nieces and a handsome nephew. I have taught thousands of students and I have a loving husband who accepts me for who I am.
And who am I? Well now, that’s complicated… I used to believe that no one else was like me. But I’ve come to learn that simply isn’t true. There are plenty of us who are “not so mommy…” And that’s okay.