26 December 2013
I’ll never forget this day. Like the day at the doctor’s office, this day changed my path. It changed my journey.
We were back home celebrating Christmas with family. We had watched our nieces come down the stairs and open their stockings and got to see the joy on their faces as they found out what Santa had delivered the night before. And while I cherished these moments, in my mind I always thought about what it would be like when Dane & I could celebrate with our own child. I so desperately wanted my own.
And then, ten years into our infertility journey, my husband said these words that cut so deeply and broke my heart. “I don’t want to have a baby.”
“What?! We’ve been trying for 10 years! We can’t give up now! We are supposed to adopt. I can’t imagine my life without kids. Why don’t you want to have a baby with me?!” I was crushed.
He explained that he didn’t want to spend the next 10 years of our life trying to have a baby. “I like our life the way it is. I’m tired and I don’t want to waste any more time. Why can’t we just enjoy our life the way it is?”
He made valid points, but I wasn’t ready or willing to hear them right then. I couldn’t process what he was saying. All I heard was that he didn’t want to have a baby with me. And that hurt.
But I love my husband and I believe in our marriage vows. So, I made a resolution to embrace my life as it was. We had our puppy, so I was a mom. And I decided to stop trying to prove to everyone else that I was a mom and to accept my dog mom role and enjoy my life with Dane and Maddie.
And so 2014 began with me on this new path…